I had another night of bad sleep. This wasn’t because of pain meds, it was mostly due to pain. I caught the earlier bus as I woke up just in time for it. I figure it would give me time to relax and have some writing time. I then left for my appointment, which turned out to be a disappointment.
I met with an intake coordinator for this chronic pain group my psychiatrist thinks will be good for me. I think it will be good for me, too. Unfortunately, the intake coordinator doesn’t, only because of my suicidality. So once again my thoughts of suicide are hindering my mental health. She needs to talk to my psychiatrist and the group leaders. She said that it is a “slow” process and she will get back to me when all is said and done. Fucking great. I have a feeling this group is out because there is only “light” conversations. You can’t sit there and tell me that other people with chronic pain have never thought of ending their lives. Fuck. I am so aggravated. If I processed things quickly, I would have told her thanks but no thanks. Maybe I will call and leave her a message so she doesn’t have to call anyone or speak to anyone.
So this has put me into a funk. I am sure I will get over it. She is not the first mental health professional to tell me my suicidality is high risk and a “dangerous” topic. I have been turned down by multitudes of therapists because of my high risk. Why should a group be any different. She also said it would be good if I had a therapist. No fucking shit. I am working on that but it’s not so fucking easy.
After the appointment, I went to the square and got a burrito for dinner. I wanted to order Thai food but I didn’t feel like waiting. I wanted to get home because my ankle was starting to bother me. It’s worse now. Which is depressing the fuck out of me. I emailed my psychiatrist and gave her the run down of this blog. I told her I wasn’t hopeful of being admitted to the group. I jokingly said that I must be the only chronic pain person to think of killing themselves. I know this is not true because I have been on chronic pain groups on Facebook and they are really sad the amount of people that want to end their life because of their pain.
My psych was going to talk to my PCP today about my pain. She said she will get back to me if something fruitful arises from the conversation. I am not hopeful about that either. My PCP is stuck on it being a “mental” issue at this point, meaning that I just need to learn to live with the pain. I would be able to, if the pain wasn’t so excruciating at times! It’s not every day I face unbearable pain. I would have attempted suicide by now if that were the case. But when I tell him I am in a bad mood because the pain is out of fucking control, I think that needs to be taken seriously and adjustments need to be made. No amount of mindfulness is going to bring down excruciating physical pain.