Month: December 2017

Sunday Blog 3 Dec 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 3 Dec 2017

My Buckeyes won the Big 10 Championship last night. It was a nail biter in the 4th quarter. But an interception won the game! I was very happy. Unfortunately, my pain over rid my joy and I was up all night again. I didn’t go to sleep till around 5ish. I was kind of waiting to see if there would be news of the Football playoffs but it was too late. It would be announced today. I was not happy when I woke up because Alabama got OSU’s spot, all because the Bucks lost to an unranked team earlier in the season. The Bucks will play in the Cotton Bowl Dec 29th against USC Trojans. One of my CES friends is a Trojan fan so it will be interesting. I have been fuming most of the day over the committee’s choice of excluding the Bucks for a championship game. They deserved to be in the playoffs and I hate that one loss determined their fate. It was like the rest of their wins, including the Big 10 Championship, didn’t count. I am so mad.

My brother in law did not put in my ceiling fan like he said he would do. He decided to get a Christmas tree and go food shopping instead. So I guess me roasting and possibly getting a heat stroke are my choices. I am not going to risk an electrical fire by turning it on until it dies. I can’t stand the noise it makes either. And even though I found the right temp for the thermostat, my mother has turned up the fucking heat. I am now roasting. I wish I had heard the heat turn on before I went downstairs. My ankle flared up when I took off my slippers as I undressed to take a shower. The pain settled down but now is back up. I am so fucking mad. Now I am boiling mad because even though I found the right setting on the thermostat, my mother jacked up the heat. My room is so fucking hot right now and it’s not that cold out. Fucking bitch already pissed me off once today. She called me “miss” and then my birth name. I walked away like I didn’t hear her. My cousin has also been calling me my birth name even though I told him my name is G. Dumbbell also calls me GiGi, like WTF? What am I, a toy?? Pisses me off.

I know I am angry because of being in pain and I want to end my life. I am tired of this shit. I am tired of the sleepless nights. And now I am in pain, again. I joined the BPD chat. That was good. Now a damn social worker in one of the Carolinas thinks she can tell me what kind of therapist I need. PPPFFFTTT. Talking to the wrong person, lady. Then she tells me she wishes me well in healing. WTF is healing when you want to end your life every single fucking day?? Fucking please. Go find someone else to spew your good tidings and insight. I don’t need it.

I managed to go downstairs to adjust the heat, even though my ankle didn’t like it. My mother wanted me to do something but called me my birth name, again. I went back upstairs. Fuck her. Then she screams that she has been calling me my birth name for 40 years blah blah blah. I have kept quiet about it but today it is like pouring salt into a wound for some reason. I am just so mad. I think me not sleeping the past two nights have got me on edge.

I have therapy tomorrow and because it is past the 24 hour rule, I need to go. I am going to ask him about his mommy and daddy issues that he brought up the last time we met. Like to see what his answer will be. I don’t know if I will get anywhere with this guy. I’ve seen him since April and I don’t think he has been too helpful to me. I’ve had 2 hospitalizations and working on a third, possibly. I still don’t think we connect in any way but just tolerate each other. Just basically called him because he was the last name on my list and I said okay let me try him. I am glad he didn’t turn me away because of my suicidality and he doesn’t flip out when I talk about suicide, but on the other fronts, can you give me some guidance??? Like seriously, aren’t you supposed to help me?? Or did I get therapy all wrong all these years? My psychiatrist who I see every two weeks for about 20-30 mins gives me more validation than he has all fricken year. Though if I text him, he is more supportive than in session!! I don’t get it. I really don’t. I just go with it then write a bitch blog about him.

I had left my MP3 app on on my phone. I wasn’t using it but the thing doesn’t shut off when not in use. It was taking up memory and clogging up my phone. I turned it off and then for kicks, checked the phone’s RAM. It has more than my new laptop! No wonder it runs so damn slow!!! I definitely need to get more. I was planning to anyways as it was cheaper to buy it as is and then upgrade here and there. I just got to look at the manual and see how to do it.

I took my meds about 45 mins ago and now I am feeling sleepy. I will stop here. Later my readers!

Another night of being up all night in pain and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I drank some wine before bed last night to try and relax a bit. All it did was give me heartburn. The meds were making me sleepy with the addition of alcohol, but the pain didn’t care. I wasn’t going to sleep. My damn foot and ankle kept me up till around 5 am, might have been after as I wrote an email around 5. Then about 3 hours later, my phone kept going off but I was too groggy to figure out why. It went off again around 10 and it was the med app alarm. I had to take my pain meds. I shut it off and promptly went back to sleep. I didn’t get up again until around 1400 to use the bathroom. I went back to bed for another hour or so. Then hunger took over. I got up, took my pain meds, and then made a graham cracker cereal. I knew my mother would be asking me what I wanted for dinner but as I made my way back up to my room, she was lying down, sleeping. Oh well.

I played on my phone and checked my messages. Zipcar responded to my request for name change by telling me what to do to do so. I just did it before writing this blog. I sent them a copy of my legal document and my license. That should be good enough. Monday I will go to the Sprint store to change my name. I think I will do it either before I head into Boston or after my therapist’s appt. I still need to go to the bank near me to change my name for my lousy retirement plan. There is less than $200 in it because I no longer work and have been bad about saving money to put into it. Then, I think I will be done with name changing things.

I’m going to try and watch the OSU game. I can’t believe it’s the last game of the season. There might be a game come New Year’s, based on this game but that is it. They had a good season, my Bucks. Beating Xichigan last week was awesome! I don’t know if I will be able to watch the whole game like I did last week. I am not hurting big time but I am tired. I also had to wash dishes after supper because my mother was hurting. She had made fried mushrooms and Rapi, it’s really bitter. It’s from the spinach family, I think. I don’t like either. I made an egg McMuffin. That seems to be my kick the last few days. Then I will move on to something else. I wanted to make bacon today but didn’t get up early enough to do so. Be nice to have bacon and egg Mcmuffin.

My psych just emailed me. I forgot I had emailed her some time during my sleepless night. She needed to change the appt time, which I had a feeling she would do. I don’t mind as I was dreading the back to back appts between seeing her and my therapist. Now I have a few hours to rest in between. Does suck though because that means I need to be up earlier. Hope the buses are on time.

bone pain and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Bone pain and other things

Around 11, I was feeling tired so decided to nap. I wasn’t in that much pain but my mother woke me up to help her put on an ace bandage on her leg to help with swelling. I laid down and was okay for about 10-15 minutes. Then pain in my malleolus erupted severely. It hurt so bad I was crying. I couldn’t move to sit up to take pain meds, it was that bad. I waited for it to settle down, and it never did so I carefully moved to take my meds. I then emailed my neurologist to find out of this was CRPS related or if something else was going on. I then posted on my Facebook CRPS support group to see if anyone else had this kind of pain. I just wanted to die.

I got a few responses from the group saying they had experienced similar pains. After a while I started to get hungry but I still hurt and had no idea how I was going to make myself some lunch. I waited for my pain meds to kick in. After a while the pain subsided but didn’t go away completely. The bone was still very tender. I decided to wear the boot so I could keep pressure off it. But I had to stand in order to do so. I carefully stood and I was in pain but it was bearable. I got the backpack that had the boot and took it out. I put my foot in the boot but then another pain emerged. I made it down the stairs carefully and tried to let the boot do its job by not bearing weight.

I went to the kitchen and made an egg McMuffin. I had a soda with it because I didn’t feel like having juice. After I ate, I decided to see if there was mail. So I went down the stairs again. The mail hadn’t come yet. I went to my sisters to have some junk food. She had some chocolate covered nuts so I had some of those as well as some chips. Then I made it back up to my room. I still wanted a nap. I had an hour to kill before the state called me for an interview for food stamps. I was getting really sleepy. I set my timer for 45 mins and laid down, hoping my foot didn’t flare up again. About ten minutes in, my loud mouth aunt comes over. JFC, really?? I was so fucking pissed off. If she didn’t shut her mouth, I was going to shut it for her. Luckily she quieted down after a few minutes and I tried to nap. Before I knew it, the timer ran down and went off. UGH I didn’t want to get up. My loud mouth aunt was still visiting my mother and I had to go to the bathroom. Good thing I went because the hardware in the tank was running water. Guess that was why the water bill was high. I did my business after bringing this to my mother’s attention. My brother in law would have to fix it as I had no clue how the thing worked.

The place called at the appointed time and promptly, placed me on hold. Nice. I waited a few minutes and got connected to someone. I swear I was on the phone for 10 minutes after giving them a little information and then she said they would mail me out a letter of the documents they needed and I had to send them within 30 days. Complete waste of fucking time!! Why couldn’t they send me that in the two letters they sent me this week!!??? I was aggravated.

I wasn’t hungry as I felt pretty full off the junk food I ate. But I wanted something. My mother was cooking something so I went downstairs to see what it was. She made asparagus and eggs. I had a sandwich and was overfull. I shouldn’t have eaten it but oh well. Least I won’t be hungry later on. I wanted to make a cup of tea but didn’t feel like making it. I started my blog and my mother screamed my name. I hurried to see what she wanted. Someone was on the phone and she couldn’t hear what they were saying. I picked up the phone in her room and it was a telemarketer for windows. I told them I wasn’t interested and to take me off their list. The jerk hung up on me!! Bitch.

Going to have a glass of wine before I change my mind. My sister bought my mother my favorite kind of red wine and I have been craving a glass. I don’t have wine that often, if at all. I’ll probably have half a glass as that is usually plenty. Cheers!