Month: February 2018

Let the imagination run

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Let the imagination run

I had a great therapy session today. I told him about the appointment with the LGBT doc and how I liked him. I also told him about how I wasn’t sure if I have been putting too much pressure on myself by wanting to be the person I was before I was disabled. It just seems like I am unable to keep up with my appointments and just doing daily activities, such as making meals and stuff. My pain is so unpredictable but this weekend, my pain was manageable for some reason. I think the appointment stress of meeting with the LGBT doc and moving forward with my transition was weighing on me more than I realized.

We also talked about my writing difficulties. I told him about the story that has been in my head the last few months and the difficulty of writing it because of how I felt about it. I also voiced my trouble with setting time aside to write. Sure, I write my blog every day, but some days that is tough. I get distracted by my phone or the internet or social media. Some days I start a blog and lose my concentration because I don’t know what to write and nothing is coming to me. Then there are days where things flow and I can get it done within an hour or so. But I want to get this story out and it has been burning for far too long on the back burners. I want to write it out but I am scared that I am going to go nuts. We talked about it, having a back and forth conversation. It was such a relief to talk about my writing and how to go about it. I felt validated and supported in what I was doing.

So as I was leaving, I felt pretty good, like a weight has been lifted. I went to Walgreens to buy some new composition notebooks. I have two that I bought maybe a year ago but I wanted to get some more (I have a thing for these kinds of notebooks like I do pens). I was thinking about the session on the way home and how I was going to implement writing time. I honestly don’t have a clue. Getting the notebooks and putting them in my bag is a start. I felt like buying more pens but, I uh, have like 5 boxes of pens so fought off that impulse. I am kind of excited about this and hope that I can do it. I do better writing with pen and paper than I do trying to write on a laptop. Typing up what I write is challenging as sometimes I can’t read what I wrote or what I wrote didn’t make sense. He said to let my imagination run so I am going to give it a go and see where it gets me. No one has to see it. He’s not like my former therapist that wanted me to share everything with her. It is just for my benefit. And maybe the crazy flashbacks will stop once the stories are out. I sadly realized that it has been 30 years since all this was forming in my brain. I do have to watch one episode of Star Trek: the Next Generation, though I don’t know when I will do that. It’s kind of like the base of when the story started and it took off for ten years and then stopped abruptly because I got sick.

I came home. I must have taken about two or three steps after I stepped off the bus for my ankle to act up. I limped home and now my bones are aching. I am trying not to take the strong pain pill as I just took my regular pain med when I left my therapist’s office. I am so tired of being in pain just by walking. It is so frustrating.

A friend had emailed me about her frustration with the game last night. I shared in her grief. I wrote a response. I still am thinking about what to do with physical therapy. I see my PT Friday so I have a few days. My gut is telling me to stop and I think I am going to listen to it. I will tell my PT when I see her. I just don’t think continuing to go is going to benefit me and the stress of going is not helping me or my pain.

Football (American)

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Football (American)

My Pats lost the Super Bowl. Game just ended a few minutes ago. It was a good game overall but the Pats defense could not hold the Eagles back enough to let the offense on the field.

My head hurts. I am tired. I woke up and did a lot of things today, going to the store twice and making chocolate zucchini bread. I used a small loaf pan that I bought so it took two hours for it to cook, maybe more. I know I put it in for 60 minutes but it took maybe a little more than an hour to really be done. I had to increase the oven temp and then check it every 10 minutes or so. Next time I will use the regular loaf pan.

Surprisingly despite all that I did, including taking a shower, my pain levels didn’t spike to astronomical levels. It has been a medium type of pain most of the day. I hope that when I lay down, my foot or ankle doesn’t go berserk on me.

The play of the game was more than 4 hours. I made a comment about how there has been talk of shortening baseball games lengths. Usually a baseball game will be about three and a half hours, minimum, though it could be less. It all depends on the speed of the game but some pitchers and changing of pitchers makes the game longer to last four hours or more, especially when there is a tie and it goes to extra innings or there are long at bats. There are many reasons a game lasts long. I personally don’t care how long it is. I love the game and want it to be played the way it currently is. There has been talk of the pitcher’s clock where I think they have 30 seconds to pitch the ball or something like that. I have no idea if it will be enforced. Will know more in about 10 days when Spring Training starts. I cannot wait. My love is coming back soon. I am pretty excited about it.

One of the suicide prevention twitter people I follow post about suicide not being an option the other day. I responded that death is always an option. Some idiot responded saying that I should follow his/her account on Facebook and we could talk about it. I asked why I had to follow him/her on another social media site. I got a weird response back so I blocked the account. It really bothers me when people say suicide is not an option. It is always an option in the human race, it has to be. People dying from incurable diseases or suffering indignity due to some disease have to have the right to end their lives on their terms. No one is promised a tomorrow but for those suffering, shouldn’t they at least have the choice to end it before they can no longer make that decision for themselves? I know I have been suicidal many times in the past year. I have no attempted in a very long time. I will be damned if I am going to let some asshat tell me I can’t take my life because it goes against their creed. I have chronic pain and it is a fucking struggle to be here day in and day out when all I want to do is end my life. As the great father of suicidology has said “How many suicides do you want, and I say I don’t want any, but I want there to be the freedom to do it. I study suicide but I am not pro-suicide. I’m for suicide prevention.” –Edwin Shneidman

Saturday Blog 3-Feb-18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I had a decent sleep, the first in about three weeks. I had a little pain when my med reminder alarm went off this morning. I took some pain meds. I didn’t get out of bed and I don’t remember if I went back to sleep or not. I know I got up around 10 after deciding to order breakfast from McDonalds because I didn’t want to waste spoons. I really wanted to change my sheets today. I had breakfast, made coffee, and while drinking it, I finished my baseball history book. It was the first book of the year I read. I think I am going to read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows next soon as I find where I put it. I have both hardcover and paperback. I like reading the hardcover but if I can’t find it in my stacks of books, I will read the paperback. I know where that is.

The baseball book wasn’t really what I was looking for. It was nice to know the history of the origins of game I love and how it flitted between organizations until the 1900s. It didn’t say when baseball created MLB as an organization, though it did say that the National League and American League were formed. However, it didn’t give the names of the teams and cities. It was frustrating because it would say the city names but not the team names at the time. For example, the oldest baseball team is the Cincinnati Reds. They were created in 1869 as the Cincinnati Red Stockings. Boston was formed in 1871 and also called the Red Stockings. It was called the Americans and Bostonians before they officially became the Red Sox around 1901. New York Yankees (which I call the Snakes, Skanks, or Skankees) weren’t formed until 1901 as the Baltimore Orioles (no relation to today’s Baltimore O’s) then became the New York Highlanders. I think it was around 1913 they became the Yanks, but I could be wrong. The Giants were formed before the Skanks and was based in New York before moving to California where they are now the San Francisco Giants. I really would love a book that has the history of the teams but isn’t made of stats or players names. The evolution of the game was great with this book but left me wanting more. I do have a Red Sox history book that a friend gave me for Christmas one year. I need to find it so I can read it.

I was tired after I finished the last chapter. I didn’t want to change my sheets but I forced myself to. I cleared off my “office”. I just put the crap in places where they wouldn’t fall. It will somehow accumulate back on my bed. Right now I just have my laptop, tissues, Kindle, and reacher on my bed.

Losing my mobility has been the hardest to accept. I’ve been asking myself if I am trying too hard or not trying enough to be the person I was before I was disabled. It is a tough position. I’ve accepted my mental illness since I realized I would always need medication for it if I was to survive but being physically impaired is very tough. Don’t take what you can do for granted, ever. You never know when you will lose it. Enjoy those walks

LGBT appt and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

LGBT appt and other things

I woke up early this morning to see the LGBT doc. I was nervous about it. I got there and I had to have them change my name. I thought I had my insurance card on me and I didn’t. They had the right info though so didn’t need it, it was just my name that needed changing. I liked the doc. He answered my questions and said that because I had a history of bipolar, he needed to talk to my psychiatrist and therapist. He also said that it will be a few appointments before I get started on hormones. I already figured that. He said that testosterone might increase mania. He asked if he wanted to transfer my primary care there and I was hesitant. I told him I was on pain meds and he said he had no problem taking over. I am not happy with my current PCP so I took a chance and said okay. Now I got to let my PCP know he is fired.

I have an appt with the new doc in seven weeks, which is more than what my pain meds would be for another refill. I would have to keep my current PCP a little longer. I see him the week before the appt with the new doc so I will tell him I am planning on transferring then.

I have been in so much pain since I came home. Because I was up early, I have been trying to sleep but dammit, half my ankle and foot go berserk every time I lay down. The last time, the pain was so painful and indescribable, I just started crying. The pain then caused my shin muscles to cramp up. I needed to get the heat pack and of course my bladder forced me downstairs because it had to be emptied. My mother was in the bathroom so I had to go down another flight of stairs to use my sister’s bathroom. There was no way I could hold it long. When my bladder says it is time to go, it’s time to go.

I hope I am not up all night in pain. I am so tired of sleepless nights. I might try finishing the baseball book. I just don’t know if I have the brain power. I feel so foggy from being sleep deprived. I think tomorrow I am just going to rest. I am not going to do a damn thing. I’ll try and change my sheets Sunday. I might make the zucchini bread then too. I don’t know. I know that anything I do gives me pain. A member of my support group says I should walk when in severe pain. OK. That doesn’t help me.

When I came home, it was freezing in my room because it was windy out. I had tried to nap but the wind was so bad it was rattling the doors in my room, and they were closed! It was scaring me so I had to close the window. Now my room is hot again. My foot has now gone from indescribable pain to burning. I really don’t want to take the Neurontin because I think it causes dizziness the next day. I don’t know why it is causing this now as I have been taking it for years. I only took 600 mg last night. I usually take more.

One thing that stands out from the LGBT doc is that he asked me if I had any Narcan. It is a drug used to reverse the effects of opioid overdose. I told him I was never prescribed this med. He said he would as I could accidently overdose. Although I have often felt like taking a handful when my pain is bad, I don’t take more than I should. I take my two tabs every six hours or so follow by the strong pain pill if I need it a few hours later. I am very careful with my meds, all of them, not just the opioids I take. The only med I might take more of is the Neurontin. But I haven’t been doing that lately because my appetite is out of control the next day. I have also gained a lot of weight the past two months. I hate it. I feel so yucky. I hate myself for letting myself get so fat. I’ve been trying to cut back but there are days when I only eat one meal and then there are days where I am always hungry. I can’t win with these meds. The testosterone might cause weight gain too. I don’t know what I am going to do about that. It could just be more muscle than fat but in my mind, more weight just is an issue regardless. It’s not like I can go to a gym and workout. I would love to go back on a treadmill or even walk to the train station like I used to as either one is about 1 mile from my house. I really miss walking. If you are abled bodied, please don’t ever take walking for granted. You never know when it will be taken away from you.