really crappy Monday

Really crappy Monday

I didn’t think I was going to write today. Pain has been up and down all day. I went out but didn’t stay out too long. I just went to the post office to mail my postcards. I took my meds early and then tried to settle down but my mood changed real quick to suicidality. I put some more thought into my plan. And my blog. I think I am going to have a day off and it will be Monday, unless I feel like writing that day.

I had another rough night of pain. It was in three places. By 1 am, I was just taking pills left and right. I didn’t care. I didn’t do anything to cause myself harm. But I was just counting down the minutes to my next dose. How is this living?? I swore I was going to call my pain doc but I was so set on just going to the post office today, that I just forgot. I basically just woke up, used the bathroom, got dressed and caught the bus. I had to come back to the house though because I forgot my wallet. I nearly knocked over the fake plants in the stairway as I had my backpack on. I didn’t think to take it off. I was just so focused to get this one thing done and then come back home. It totally exhausted me. I was supposed to watch the basketball game tonight with my nephew but I told him I couldn’t. I hurt too much, physically and mentally.

My mother made stir fry but over cooked everything. I didn’t like it. I ate some of it because I wanted the rice to help my bowels. They have been loose today for some reason. I didn’t hold the senna so I can only imagine what tomorrow is going to be like. I ordered my groceries in my midnight wonderings. They will be delivered sometime on Wednesday. I will have the pulled pork again with Portuguese rolls. Least I hope I will. I hope the driver isn’t late like he was last month.

I hate being so damn tired and can’t sleep. Trump royally pissed me off. I’m getting the slight feeling he had something to do with 9/11. There is absolutely no way to prove it though. Could just be my crazy pain driven mind. There was just something I read today that had me thinking about it. I won’t say what as the stuff it out there. He is more concerned about his fucking hotels than the US government. Typical tyrant. Can’t wait till they take him away, in cuffs. Mueller has to work quickly but I understand that he wants (like the rest of us that aren’t drinking his Fox kool aid) a solid case that won’t be shattered. I doubt I will be alive for it to happen. I feel so suicidal today and can’t really talk about it because people can’t hear me out without freaking out. I am sure just saying the “S” word has already panicked some readers.

If some whacko didn’t call the cops on me a few years ago, I could freely talk about how I feel. Now I feel scared to do so. Now I just write offline or in password protected posts, which I do so rarely. Psychache is hurting so bad today, worst than my worst CRPS pain. I have no idea why today is so bad. It just hit me all at once while I was trying to nap. I think I am just so tired of feeling miserable and not being able to do a damn thing about it. I canceled therapy and my therapist doesn’t care. He doesn’t question why I cancel like my past therapists have. My psychiatrist never responded to my email about meeting after she canceled on me last week. I am tired of putting in the effort and not seeing results. I am better off doing things on my own anyways. There are a lot of self help things online. It can be overwhelming when you feel like crap. Today I did my one thing (going to the post office and having something to eat with my espresso). That was enough for me today. Now I can crash. I wish I could do more but that was enough. My sister bought tickets for a movie that I really want to see, a comedy called The Book Club. We are going to see it tomorrow night. I think that will be good. I haven’t laughed in a really long time, other than the funny dog or cat videos I see. I can’t remember the last movie I saw, probably the Rim. I really want to see Jurassic World. I think it is out sometime next month. I have seen two of the three Jurassic movies. I like them. I wanted to buy the trilogy but it sold out before I could buy it. I am sure Amazon will have it again.

any thoughts?

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