I had an early morning appointment with my PCP. I will never make an early appointment again. I just can’t seem to get moving and then I am rushing to get out the door to catch the bus. It was raining this morning but not hard. Just kind of misty. I didn’t care. I hate the sunlight. I think in my previous life I was a vampire, lol.
The appointment was as appointments go. He told me about weight, not “wanting me to feel bad”. If that was the case, why bring it up?? I wish I told him that unless you are going to put me on a diet pill, nothing is going to work. I am on meds that make me hungry and keep weight on. I can’t exercise because of the ankle situation so what the fuck am I supposed to do? Starve myself to a fake weight that you think I should be? I mean, seriously. We go through this every fricken appointment. I am tired of it. I don’t like the rolls of fat I have and here is a tip genius, with T I am going to gain weight because it will be muscle mass, what then?? I didn’t say any of this. I just let him go on and on about diet and changing things and what I eat and blah blah blah. Then he asked if I would see a nutritionist and I said yes just to get him off my back. I don’t know if my insurance covers it. I am not going to go to someone that is going to tell me what groups to eat and what to avoid. I eat what I like. I am not going to deprive myself of that pizza or fries because it might put weight on me. I just have no will power. I like carbs. I know I should watch out for it but lately I have been feeling like crap and not been able to choose what I want to eat. It is just what is the easiest to make. Fried egg and toast, fine that is what I will have. If I want a sandwich for lunch, fine. Whatever my mother makes is dinner, which is usually some meat and potatoes or pasta/rice dish. She doesn’t like steak and I can’t afford to have more than one steak every couple of months. I am going to try a keto pizza recipe I got from facebook.
Before I left, I had to sign a new pain contract and give a nice urine sample. Pisses me off (no pun intended). I could go on a soapbox here but I am not feeling well. I made an appointment to see the chickenshit in three months. He agreed, thank god, to take over the scripts for my pain meds. I am happy about that. No more asshole pain doc to see.
I missed both buses home so I had to wait about 45 minutes for the next one. I was tired and a little hungry as all I had was espresso. I had no idea what to have. I was having severe allodynia with my foot. It was burning and very sensitive to touch. The glob (are where all ligaments and cartilage are) was killing me. I thought it was unusual to have so much nerve pain that early in the morning. I took some Neurontin, my morning meds, and an Ativan when I came home. I just wanted to sleep. It took about three hours for meds to kick in. I went to lay down and my damn muscles in my foot and ankle go fucking berserk! It was trembling uncontrollably. It was freaking me out. I sat up and it was still firing away. I have no idea what the fuck was going on. I emailed my psychiatrist but haven’t heard back from her. I posted in my group and they didn’t know either. I googled and saw that it was dystonia. I don’t like that term at all. It is a side effect that can occur with psych meds such as the one I am taking for my voices. Anti-psychotic drugs can cause this side effect, not so much the newer ones but the older ones, yes. I don’t take the first generation anymore but this wasn’t bilateral at all and was confined to the area where my CRPS is. I found out that CRPS can have this term. FUCK. And it is a progression of the disease. That just made my fucking day! It has been going on for three hours now and I can’t seem to get it under control. I take my night meds in about twenty minutes but I think I am going to take it in ten. I need the Ativan. That might help. I tried magnesium and Powerade. Also got the heating pad out and put the fleece blanket back on the bed. I thought it was just weather changes and it might be but fucking A, this shit is scaring the crap out of me! I am so tired. I needed comfort food so I just made a plate of tater tots for my caloric intake for the day. I had three cookies.
Well that is all for now. I am feeling nauseous and must lay down and hope my foot doesn’t get worse. Until domani (tomorrow).