Once again having to figure things out on my own

Once again having to figure things out on my own

Last night I wrote a blog about my frustrations in therapy. I basically have until Sunday around noon time to either cancel my appointment with my therapist or not. It still is in the air. I know that I should talk to him but I feel like I have been down this road so many times that it just doesn’t go anywhere. Yea, I could be wrong. He could be kind and open about what I am saying and see where it goes from there but past experience tells me that will be for that session and the next session will be as if we didn’t talk at all about how I feel. I am tired of always going into that situation. So today, even though I didn’t want to, I made a few calls to some therapists asking them if they were taking new clients. So far, I haven’t had a callback.

I went to PT and she didn’t like the pocket of swelling that was around my foot. I need to be putting ice on it and doing the stretches/exercises she has given me. I also sort of need to pump my ankle before standing up or stretch it but that is going to be kind of difficult with getting off my bed because it is so high. I will figure it out. We didn’t work on my left thigh. She had given me some exercises for that but my damn CRPS ankle/foot has been so bad because of the damn weather changes, it has been hard to do. It was easier with my right because I didn’t have the pain. I did one exercise last night and felt better but I think the other ones need to be done. I am going to try doing them tomorrow before I get out of bed as you need to be kind of laying down anyway for it. My pain is not bad (usually) in the morning. I need to get my thigh pain sorted because next week I need to potentially give my T shot in it. If it is not up to par I will use my right again but I want to try my left and see how it goes.

Pain has been okay, so far, except for my right foot but hopefully that will get better as time goes on, if I do what I am supposed to do. But I just feel like everything is a hassle lately. I haven to figure out which thigh would be suitable because there isn’t a nurse I can go to that can inject it for me. I have to somehow keep myself from a downward spiral because baseball season is ending. I always get into a deep depression this time a year and it takes months to recover from it. And finding a new therapist that isn’t going to be an asshole when I bring up suicidal stuff is going to be tough. My PT said she was going to get in touch with her therapist for recommendations. I have no idea if they will pan out. It is like I have to do the work, again, for my care after just working out the pain meds. Makes me want to give up and just say fuck it but I don’t want to spend five years with this guy if he isn’t going to help me. Tomorrow I see my PCP so that is going to be fun. Another early morning appointment so I will be lucky if I have enough brain cells to talk to him. If I have to give yet another damn urine for a tox screen there is going to be a problem because I’ve given three of them this year when I thought it was supposed to be a yearly thing. And if that has changed, um, why didn’t they let me know?? Not saying I take other shit that I am not supposed to but come on. I just feel like they are a waste of my insurance’s money, especially when those with substance abuse disorders don’t get tested at ALL! But that is another write up for another day.