Saturday Blog 12 Jan 19
I wasn’t going to write one so if this is long or short, I tried. I had a day of sleeping. Think the nights where I didn’t sleep caught up with me. My mother called me around 5 for dinner. Kind of late as she usually has dinner around 4. She watched a movie with my nephew.
I am still dealing with basically the loss of my mother even though she is still alive. I guess the loss of her ever accepting me as me. I try not to have conversations with her. I know she has an appointment with a pulmonologist Wed and I want to go with her but given what has transpired, I don’t care anymore. She isn’t going to listen to the doctor anyway or remember what he said. If he prescribes medicine, she isn’t going to take it. So I don’t see the point of the whole thing. I am going to get annoyed and well, I am tired of being annoyed that my mother doesn’t take care of herself or tried to. But what kills me is that she complains that she has this and that to do but has no energy to do it or she calls herself lazy. She has some serious medical issues and won’t accept them or do anything about them. So that is why she is probably tired all the time and feels like shit. She doesn’t understand that her chronic pain plays a part in this.
Monday I see my doctor at the new location, which means going another way to see him. I hope he give me my pain meds scripts early so I don’t have to come in next week as that office is hard to get to. Too much transportation involved and the building is under construction, which doesn’t help. The whole thing is fenced off, making it difficult for drop offs and pickups. So dumb. It is going to be cold as we are avoiding a snow storm. I rather it be cold than snow. My mother has touched the heat so I am roasting in my room.
I want coffee so bad but it is late and if I have it, I will be up all night. Not going to happen. I already took my night meds early with some gabapentin. I still have water in my left ear for some reason. Been going on for the last three days. The Flonase isn’t helping. And my left nostril is clogged despite using the stuff. Probably why it is. I wanted to shower today but I just don’t have the energy. I want to trim my hair around where I am shaving my head but until I have energy for a shower, it isn’t going to happen. I thought it might tonight, but I am too tired. I just shaved my head. If I fuck up, I am going to buzz it off. I don’t care.
I have been taking so many selfies lately. I feel like it is too much. I don’t know why I am doing it. I take a pic and I have to post it. I hate selfies but I kind of like when I don’t smile. When I smile, I think I look like a dork because it is a slanted kind of smile. I hate it. Meds are kicking in now so I think I am going to stop here. I am sorry I haven’t been as consistent in my blogging as I was. Depression has taken away most of the things that interest me or that I enjoy doing. I have noticed people like the pics of the cats or dogs I post so on days I don’t feel like writing, maybe I will do that. I have a lot of pics that I have from Twitter. Hope you all have a good night/day/whatever time it is that you are reading this.