Daylight saving time sucks!
Last night I was just reading. I finished Langford’s Leap by Ted Boone. It was such a good female hero book. I cannot wait for the second book to come out. After I finished that, I read this memoir that I started in December. I might have mentioned it before as a “sugar-coated” book. It is terribly written and I just couldn’t finish it. It was getting me so damn frustrated because of the drops and not explaining then going on to something else. It also used mental health and mental illness like it was interchangeable (sorry, it most definitely is not). The author never went into her symptoms so I find it hard to relate to something when this was similar to what I have been writing for a while now. It was like she was putting it out there and then just left it there. Like she would say she was suicidal or had a suicide attempt where she didn’t care if she did or didn’t die but no background to what lead up to that point, no talk of depression or despair or frustration, nothing. I especially didn’t like where she was talking about mass shootings and there was a KEY word missing in the sentence. I had read it three times and it was just bad. Terrible editing on whoever did it. I just decided to write a review and called it a day.
I then went to Harry Potter and got sucked into the wizard world. Around 0030, I finally put the book down and tried to sleep. It took a few tries to get comfortable and then out of nowhere, my damn right instep was killing me. I took some ibuprofen and Tylenol. I couldn’t figure out why it was hurting so bad. I had only got up once to stretch the whole time I read, and there were at least 3 or 4 hours where I was just on my bed. I finally decided to put some diclofenac gel on and then I realized why I was hurting. The golf ball size swelling had moved up my foot and was very inflamed. I don’t know if while lying down the weight of my other foot set it off or what. I had got up around 0130 and realized that in a half hour, it was going to be 3 am instead of 2 due to the time change. I wasn’t looking forward to that because it was going to throw me off. Next thing I know it is 4 am because I decided to read Harry again to wait for the meds to work their magic. I fell asleep somewhere around 0430.
I woke up a few hours later because my mother got up. She is not quiet and her breathing is very labored. As much as I hate the woman, I care for her wellbeing, though I try not to as she doesn’t listen to me anyway. Her breathing is like she is puffing the air out of her lungs. Her COPD is worse (though she will say her knees are causing it). She doesn’t use her inhalers at all. She had paid for a nebulizer and used it maybe a week or two. Now not using it all. Her breathing was slightly better than it was but now without the medication, she is back to her huffing and puffing. I have to listen to her as she climbs the stairs every night just to make sure she doesn’t collapse. I am hoping that when my sister lives with us, I don’t have to worry so much. I wish she would just move her bedroom into the dining room but nope, she doesn’t want to give it up despite her not using it for anything other than her gatsies (little trinkets and things just used for display). I understand her mother gave her those things, or rather were my grandmother’s things before she died but all it is doing is collecting dust. Today she refused to yield me any fucking space to put my mugs yet wanted them in my room. Fuck, seriously? Seriously. She wouldn’t allow me to keep things even though I would like space to. She is just so fucking selfish when it comes to the house, this is mine and that is mine so you can’t use it. Meanwhile she nearly burnt the crap out of my new kettle because she didn’t put enough water in it for making her coffee. She leaves water in it so the bottom of the thing is starting to rust. That is okay though…because she didn’t buy it. I am ready to buy an electric water kettle just so she doesn’t use mine and can do what ever she wants, which she does anyway. I just get so fucking frustrated because she tells me how to live my life, doesn’t use my changed name, doesn’t respect me in any way, shape, or form. Today she had the gall to say G or my birthname or what ever you are. I got mad and said what am I to you, two different people? Then she spewed that she has been calling me my birthname for 40 years so isn’t going to change. Fuck you too. I don’t know why the fuck I bother. I get so hurt and she doesn’t care. She is so transphobic.
I wanted to change my sheets today but my CRPS foot is giving me grief. It has been snowing and raining most of the day so that is probably why. I ordered take out for the first time in a few months. I wanted a burrito but the place didn’t have drivers so canceled my order. I was disappointed. I ordered a burger from another place. Now both feet are killing me just from going up and downstairs. I fucking hate being in pain all the fucking time. It is the biggest trigger of my suicidal thoughts. I am still thinking of my plan. I don’t know if I will go through with it but it is on the backburner. Tomorrow I am seeing my PCP’s social worker to work on some financial planning and things. I hope that she can maybe speed up the process for therapy as I am really needing to talk to someone about things. I know I have this blog but sometimes actually talking to someone helps unload things. I don’t want to call my friends because I don’t want them to worry or be mad at me. Just sucks that even though the majority of my friends accepts that I have depression, some are not so accepting that I have suicidal thoughts and plans, even if it is just to hear me out. I no longer bring it up with them. I guess it is a “don’t ask, don’t tell” situation, which really bugs me. As many times as I have had trouble with therapists, it is the same. No one wants to truly hear how dark my thoughts are. Makes me feel more alone with each passing day. I know there are people out there that say “you aren’t alone” but when you are chronically suicidal, you really are. I just wish I would go through with it so it will end.