having a meltdown in the middle of a heatwave

Having a meltdown in the middle of a heat wave

Today I snapped with the heat. I just cannot take it anymore so I am staying in my room to freeze to death. I cannot stand the hotness and humidity that has been going on all week. I haven’t been able to get my prescription. My brother in law will get it later today. I have been without my meds the past three days. And my ankle is killing me. It hurts so much that I can’t do a damn fucking thing. I wish I could wake up from this night mare but it has been so fricken hot I don’t think I will see a cold day until winter, whenever that is. I don’t ever remember temps being this high before. It doesn’t help that the house doesn’t have AC. I think if it did I wouldn’t be so ornery. I am passed my breaking point and the only place I can be is in my room because that is where the AC is. I wanted to get my hair cut today but I have no energy and besides, I can’t walk right now with my ankle being sore.

I feel this horrendous pressure to do something but I don’t know what to do. I feel so overwhelmed. I brushed my teeth for the first time in days. I just haven’t been with the whole self care/self hygiene stuff this week. It has been too hot. I really want to shave but I have no energy to sit in the hot bathroom. The whole house is sweltering hot and my mother doesn’t care. I just want to sleep. I haven’t been sleeping and or been having bad dreams. Right before I woke up I dreamt about chicken wings and how there were pans and pans of them in some religious order. We cooked them but we couldn’t eat them because they were plastic. My brain on a heatwave.

Last night was BASEBALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sox won 13-2 against the Orioles. Nasty Nate was nasty. I bought batteries for my radio because I don’t know where the plug is for the radio. I thought I put it in the battery compartment but it’s not there. Another annoyance in this heat. I should get the batteries today I hope. Then I can listen to the game all season, all 60 games.

I want a coffee but I don’t want to leave my room. I just want to freeze and think about shaving. Maybe I will shave in my room. I will dry shave though I don’t know how I will rinse the razor. Ok poor planning on my part. Maybe that isn’t a good idea. I just want this stubble off. It is annoying me. I have one big zit on my jawline that hurts and little ones all throughout my beard. I think the heat just created this I need to wash my face but I don’t want to leave my room unless it is going to a cooler part of the house which there is no cooler part of the house. I wish my mother had AC in the house. This is ridiculous that every summer we got to sweat our heads off. I am so fucking mad at her. She got her prescription at the pharmacy but didn’t get mine. Now I am without meds.

I talked with my psych the other day. We had a mutal meeting and she is now an associate of mine. She isn’t my doctor anymore but we know each other and care for one another. She wants me to write a book and I laughed. She asked why I was laughing and I said it was because it was funny. I can’t write a book. I have no idea what the hell to write. I can barely write a blog daily. Book writing is different though. I just don’t know what I want to write. I still have hopes of writing a baseball history book. I want to do that but I don’t know how. I have never written a history book and it has been quite some time since I wrote a history paper. I need to look it up and see what is out there. And if the market will support the book.

I am so bloody tired. I just want to fucking sleep. Or lay down. That is all I have been doing the past three days. I haven’t left my room except to use the bathroom and eat. I need a haircut. I wanted to get it done today but that is not happening unless it is 2 degrees outside. I am falling asleep. I am just so damn tired from this godforsaken heat. My brother in law is cutting the grass so I am getting fresh cut grass smell through my AC. I love the smell of fresh cut grass. I hate feeling so lifeless. Everything is a fucking effort right now and I can’t stand it. I really want to shower but it is too fucking hot. I don’t care if I drink all my lemon lime Gatorade today. I only got 10 of the 20 I ordered. I am not happy about this but maybe during the week I can go to stop and shop and get some more. I will see if my cousin can take me if this heatwave cools off. I am not going out in this fucking mother fucking heat. I just am not doing it. It better be 20 degrees next week or I am going apeshit.

I want to shave my fucking face so I can get rid of the zits that are there. My beard is so uncomfortable. I hate it. I want to be clean shaven again. Least the bathroom has a cool vent so I can be some what comfortable. I just need the fucking energy to do it. I want to fucking nap so hard right now. I am listening to Linkin Park because I need some music that isn’t Hamilton right now. I took an Ativan because I need to fucking chill right now. I am just so upset over the heat and there is nothing I can do about it. I want the batteries to the radio so I can listen to the fucking game again. I miss hearing it. Last night I wanted nothing more than to listen to it and I was denied. The batteries are on their way so I can listen to the radio this afternoon. I will listen to some part of the game today even if it is the last part of it. I miss baseball so much.

I had a bran muffin for breakfast and as far as I am concerned that is the only thing I will eat today. I don’t fucking care. I had my coffee with it and I might make another coffee. I want coffee today and I don’t care if it gives me the jitters.

They just published a study where those with psychotic depression did better with ECT than those with non psychotic depression. I still am not going to lose my memory because I value my memory more than anything. And it was a 10 year old study so I don’t see how the results are new. I put my AC on high so I can freeze and be under a blanket with the AC on. I want to freeze so bad I feel like taking my shirt off. My ankle is feeling the cold more than any other part of my body right now. I hate that it is so sensitive to temperatures. I don’t want to put on a thermal sock on. I don’t want to wear thermal socks in a heat wave. I will flip out.

any thoughts?

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