I did some productive things today, including writing this blog. I made breakfast and coffee. I wanted another cup but I might have one in the afternoon. I then got dressed and mailed out the voter registration cards that I needed to mail. It was a nice walk as it was cooler today than it has been past four days. I still got out of breath by the time I came back to my house. I had to take the mask off to breathe properly. I hate that I am still getting winded while walking.
Only think left for me to do is empty the recycling in my room. I might do that this afternoon. I just hope there is still room in the bin. I might shower later. I stink. I haven’t showered since Sunday. But I am tired so I don’t think I am going to.
I have been in a funk the past few days. My mood has been really low. It has been like this for the past week or so. I stopped taking the duloxetine because it was upsetting my stomach and now that I am off the Invega, I feel “off”. I still get the shakes but I think it is because I am cold as I get a chill from the AC. I love being cold but not too cold. My therapist doesn’t know I have stopped my meds. She is not going to be happy when I tell her tomorrow. I just hope my shopping comes in before the appointment. I really am not looking forward to the conversation as she gets concerned. I don’t meet with my psychopharm until next week. I am not sure what I will be on. I am not having symptoms right now so I don’t want to be on anything. The depression will always be there. I wish I didn’t get sick from the duloxetine. It was finally working for me. I don’t have any other antidepressant to go to now. All the others make me sick.
Today was my shot day. I hit another vein when I injected. Blood was everywhere but luckily I didn’t get any on the bedding. I feel so wiped out right now. I guess all the energy I had wore off. I want to nap and I might. I really don’t want to because I did that all day yesterday. Yesterday I couldn’t stay awake even if you paid me. I was so damn tired. It was so damn hot out. I haven’t been sleeping good. I just been sleeping in increments. I don’t know why I can’t sleep more than 4 or 5 hours straight. I keep waking up with weird dreams. My REM is short, 45 mins rather than 90 mins. I have sort of timed it once. I don’t know why it is so short but it sucks as I don’t get the sleep I need.
Last night I was feeling suicidal again. I was just in a rotten mood. Today is better but I feel restless. I don’t know why I feel like I am so shaky. Could be withdrawal from the medication from last week. I hope it passes because I hate feeling cooped up inside myself. That is the best way to describe how I feel. I wish the walk I took today helped calm me down some but it didn’t. I think I am just going to empty my recycle to get some exercise and get my mind off things. I might watch some of the TV show that I am into. I haven’t watched it in months. Sucks because I am paying for it yet I am not watching the shows. I just am not too interested in TV. I rather read a book or listen to music. I am still listening to Hamilton’s soundtrack. I got my four favorite songs that I listen to all the time. I sometimes pick a song and then listen to the rest of the musical until I hear It’s Quiet Uptown. I think the musical should have ended there rather than with Hamilton’s death but I don’t make the rules.
I need to get my haircut. I think I will get it done on Friday. I don’t think I have energy for it today and tomorrow my groceries are going to be delivered so I won’t have time then. I also have therapy. I just hope the groceries come before my appointment.