telling it like it is

Telling it like it is

I had therapy today and she told me how it is and I couldn’t argue with her. She said that I have severe depression with hallucinations that are sometimes commanding. I needed to be on medication, which I am not fully invested in right now because side effects have made me apprehensive. I told her she was right, that I do have severe depression that I don’t want to take care of. I am still thinking I have the mild version of depression in my head. The facts don’t support that. Throw in being suicidal and you are at a severe case as you can be. I guess because I don’t feel the heaviness of the depression all the time I feel like it has lessened.

All day my back has been spazzing. I don’t know why but it hurts and makes moving hurt even more. I somehow managed to change my sheets. I wanted to do it before my surgery. I am glad I did that. Tomorrow I will pack my bag for surgery. I am just taking a little bag with me with the essentials. I am taking some catheters with me because I don’t know how my bladder is going to be after surgery and I would rather cath myself than have a nurse do it. I am so nervous about this surgery. I need to have it done or there isn’t going to be a day where I am not needing to lie down after an activity. I already am exhausted just changing my sheets. Tomorrow I will be exhausted because I go get my Covid testing and getting my haircut. I think I am going to Uber going to and from. Depending what time I get off from testing, I will head to the Square or home. All depends on the time.

I ordered my groceries and because they merged with Stop and Shop, I wasn’t able to get all that I ordered. I am disappointed in this. I hate that I can’t get stuff that I normally used to get. Now I will have to make another trip to the store though it will have to be after my surgery. I hope that I have energy after my surgery. I know the first few days will be rough but after that I hope that I will be ok.

I am listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter’s new album. I really love it. I learn new things while listening to it. I love her voice so much. I would die if I ever met her. I have seen her in concert more than once. She puts on a good show.