this is me trying

This is me trying

I have been having a hard day. I hardly slept. I was able to get to sleep okay last night but I woke up around midnight and found it very difficult to get back to sleep. I got a headache around 4 and I finally took something for it around 5. I then slept until my surgeon’s office called and I was cursing the phone. I didn’t answer it. I let it go to voicemail but man I was not happy. I stayed in bed until my bladder said I had to leave. I used the bathroom and then went back to sleep till around 1pm or so. I have been in a grumpy mood and memories of last year at this time have crept back. I had my last psych hospitalization last year, on International Suicide Prevention day. I made an appointment with my therapist on that day. I find it amazing that I am still alive. I was so sure I was going to die last year. I had such a horrible depression that wasn’t helped by anything.

Today’s pain is mostly in my back and ankle. My ankle got so fricken cold that if felt like it was being cut with sheets of ice. I have thermal socks on now and my ankle still hurts. The ankle bone is throbbing up a storm and the area where it is being sliced is still being sliced. It is so painful. I would take a breakthrough med but I need to hold off on it. I wish I could freely take my meds but I can’t or I will be short by the end of the month and that will be a disaster.

I feel really depressed. I hope next week when I see my psychopharm she prescribes me the citalopram. I don’t want to wait another week because my mood is just awful right now. I didn’t nap this afternoon like I wanted to. I probably would have felt better if I did. I have my T shot tomorrow so I might feel a little bit better. My blood numbers were terrible after surgery. I hope the T can stabilize some of the levels. The novelty of taking shots has worn off. I think it is because of the depression I don’t like doing it anymore. But I am going to be on T the rest of my life. I have not had the mental benefits of T. In a way being on it is its own mental relief because I am taking what I should always have. I want to be on a higher dose so that my beard can come in greater but my doc doesn’t want to increase it due to side effects. I think the benefits outweighs the risks. I don’t see her again till April of next year. I can wait till then to talk to her about it. Hopefully I will meet in person with her by then.

Since coming home from the hospital, my right arm has been bothering me. The vein is inflamed from the IV and it hurts. I asked a doctor what to do about it and she said to put heat compresses on it. I will do that later tonight because it is really bothering me today for some reason. I had a hard time getting comfortable last night. I just couldn’t position my arm so it wouldn’t hurt as much. Hope tonight is better after a heat compress.

any thoughts?

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