tough past few days

Tough past few days

I’ve been hit with severe depression and hopelessness the past few days. I had my appointment with the new pain doc and it was discouraging. I felt like they felt I was too at risk for management because of my psych condition and past suicidal history. They were to discuss options with my primary care doc and then make some decision. I honestly don’t care to go back to see them. I am seeing their pain psychologist for some coping stuff specific to pain. I think that will be good. I don’t see him until the end of Oct.

I had the meeting with my PCP today. He didn’t say anything of what the pain docs said. I told him I was discouraged because of the way they are treating my mental illness. He didn’t say too much other than he was sorry that I am still recovering from surgery. It has been such a long process. I am not sure when I will see him again.

I also had a meeting with my therapist today. It was a tough session, she really pushed me and I was not really in the mood for pushing. I wanted to leave at least three times but I stuck it out. I asked her what to do when I get into these horrible moods so she gave me a DBT handout on some skill. I have to print it out so I have it in front of me. She wants me to work on this skill every day. We’ll see if that happens. I am not so great in doing homework, especially when there is no follow up with it. We talked about how hopeless I have been feeling. I told her I felt like crawling under a rock and staying there. She just agreed with me with an ok.

Because I was two hours early for my pain doc appointment, I started listening to Hamilton. I finished listening to it tonight and the ending always makes me sad. Watching the movie, which I haven’t in months, I would cry. Just seeing the emotions on the stage were enough to get me to feel.

I shaved and showered tonight before the Sox game. It was a disaster by the 3rd inning so I turned off the radio app. It was interfering with my writing. I kept blanking out as I was listening to the game. So hard to write when you are listening to something. I can listen to music just fine but a ball game or a musical and it’s tough writing.

Back is thanking me for showering and shaving right now. It is cramping up big time and hurts. All I can do is take Tylenol and Advil. My pain meds don’t really work for the cramping. I do take the Zanaflex but I think it is losing its effectiveness or I might be becoming tolerant to it. It still makes me sleepy though.

any thoughts?

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