Author: Midnight Demon

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

Saturday blog 11092021

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Saturday Blog 11092021

Today is a solemn day as people remember the events of 11-09-2001. Today is the 20th anniversary of those events. Hard to believe it has been 20 years. Just a sad day that will go on in infinity.

I hung up the picture of Eduardo Rodriguez today in my room. I love that I am starting to get a Sox wall. Seeing them makes me happy. The game is at 7 tonight. I am glad because the 8pm start last night made me so tired. I think I fell asleep in the 3rd inning when there was still no score. A rookie is starting tonight so I guess it is going to be a bullpen game depending on how he does.

I have been in a lot of abdominal pain today because I haven’t been emptying my bladder on a schedule. Some days I just go when I need to and other days I need a schedule. Figuring things out as I go. I try to tell myself this isn’t forever like the surgeon said. I still have five weeks recovery. I am still having a yellow discharge and I am not sure that is normal or not. I have finished the antibiotics last week. I need to ask if this is normal or if I still have an infection going on. I have switched back to female underwear and a pad for now. I was going to shower today but I just don’t have the energy for it. I don’t even have the energy to shave. I was up most of the night again. I was up pretty early this morning, before my mother got up. I was about finished with my coffee when she got up.

I made rice and peas for supper. I didn’t know what else to make. I didn’t want to make scrambled eggs again because we are low on American cheese. My mother wants me to buy some more so I will head to the Square sometime on Tues before my appointment with the TG doc. I would go on Monday but I am having my MRI and then I see my therapist so I don’t want to go out again. Times are going to be close. I just hope there isn’t a delay with the MRI. It is usually a half hour scan, sometimes forty-five mins if they need to take additional pictures or have trouble with the dye. I plan on drinking a lot tomorrow so that my veins are easier to find. I hope I don’t get stuck more than once.

During the time I was up during the night, I decided to color a page. I found another page that I want to color but it is kind of tricky because it is a small floral arrangement. I will have to use the sharpest pencils so I can color. I love the new pencil set that I bought. It is like a crayon set but with pencils. It is kind of hard to put them back in the box once you take them out. If you don’t get it in right it is a pain to put back. I have had to shuffle the box to make room for the pencil. That is my only complaint. The other pencil set of 136 colors is the same way. You miss the groove and it is hard to put back in its place.

I have four appointments next week. Two on Monday and then one on Tues. Last one is on Friday. I cannot wait to talk to the uro NP. I just hope she doesn’t want me to measure my urine again. I don’t mind doing it but it is a pain.

Hope I will be able to listen to the ballgame. I am in a lot of pain right now and need to lie down so I will stop here for now. Enjoy your evening folks!

derm and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, CRPS, depression

Derm and other things

I got up with a very full bladder at like 10. I didn’t want to get up but I had to as I was hurting so bad. I took my meds before going to the bathroom. I didn’t cath but I peed a lot for a long time. The flow was really slow. I made coffee afterwards and had something to eat. I then went back to my room to charge my phone. While the phone was charging, I shaved my head and brushed my teeth.

The bus was coming soon so I got dressed quickly once my phone was fully charged. I went to the orange line and when I got off at my stop, I got kind of lost as they changed the layout of the station. Took me a while to figure out how to get to the street where the shuttle was. I was hoping I was at the right spot as there could be many places for the shuttle to stop at the street. Luckily, I chose the right spot when the shuttle came. I was early for my appointment but was seen soon enough. The doctor was really fast but answered my questions of concern. He said that I have a mole on the bottom of my right foot. He looked at it for some time. The mole that I had concerns about was not a concern to him because it was growing hair. Good to know. The visit was over in like fifteen minutes after the medical assistant took a pic of the mole then I left.

I waited at the shuttle stop but I was really thirsty so I walked to the CVS that was nearby. Starbucks was across the street so after I bought a water, I got a mocha. I drank it on the way to the station. I figured I would walk. I did really good without any back spasms and such. It was my longest walk that I took since my back surgery from last year. I was really proud of myself for walking that distance. I caught the red line home and the bus was waiting when I got there so score. I came home and there was a package for me. It is my frame for my Eddie pic that I had printed. I love him so much. He didn’t do good on his last outing, which is sad because he was good at his previous start. He is still my favorite pitcher.

I called to schedule my MRI and I made the appointment for Monday. I also called for my eye exam and that will be next month. I am kind of nervous about the MRI as I have been having pain. My neuro was able to order it based on my symptoms of pain in the L2-L3 area. I just hope the disc that has herniated isn’t more herniated. I really don’t want to see my neurosurgeon so soon after he discharged me in Dec. I sent a message to my neuro to tell her the scan is scheduled for Mon.

I am really tired. I think I am going to make scrambled eggs with cheese for supper. I don’t really want anything else. Sox are in Chicago playing the White Sox tonight. Game is at 8. Hope I can stay up and listen to the game for a few innings. I am not sure how Chicago is doing this year. Sale got put on the Covid IL today as he tested positive for the virus. He is out for the next two weeks or until he is negative. I don’t know if he is having symptoms or not or if he is vaccinated. I don’t know why they are keeping this a secret when it is a public health issue. Just ridiculous.

Three weeks post op hysterectomy

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, gender dysphoria

Three weeks post op hysterectomy

I had an appointment to see my surgeon this morning and got up late. I just finished my coffee when I had to rush to get dressed and out the door to catch the bus. I was right on time for the appointment as the bus was late. The surgeon and I talked about my bladder and how things were going. I said I feel like I am being controlled by my bladder because I am so aware of it all the time and on a schedule to go. She said this wouldn’t be forever and to resume taking the tolterodine for bladder control. She said that while operating she could see that my bladder was inflamed from the nerve damage. We also talked about increasing the Neurontin. She agreed that taking it would help with the pain so I will be taking a dose in the afternoon and at bedtime. She also said that if I have a big day to take an ibuprofen before leaving for it. She wants to see me in four weeks unless something comes up beforehand.

I came home from the appointment and ordered Chipotle for lunch. I emptied my bladder but there wasn’t a lot of urine. I tried again after I ate and still nothing significant. I took some pain meds as I am in pain and the bladder is empty. I took a short nap kind of sitting up on the bed and my back didn’t like it. So now my back hurts.

Over the weekend I sent a message to my neuro telling her about the increase in nerve pain in my thigh. She just got back to me and looks like I will be getting an MRI to see if the L2-L3 herniation is worse. Tomorrow I can call scheduling to schedule the test. I was able to find a lidocaine patch to put on it. I am so happy because I threw out the box that I had because they were expired. I don’t know how well this patch will work but will find out soon enough.

Yesterday I ordered a half black olive pizza and I have one slice left. That will be my dinner tonight. Or was. My sister threw it away. I am so angry at her for doing it. I went downstairs to my other sister’s apt and had some pita bread with fig and some chicken that my niece didn’t want. Greek food is good.

I am so tired I just want to take my night meds and go to sleep even though it isn’t close to 7p yet. I usually take my night meds between 7 and 8p. I did a lot of walking today at my appointment. I then went to Starbucks for a mocha and a pumpkin scone, my first of the season. There is no Sox game tonight so I am glad I don’t have to be up till late. Their games have been averaging at least four hours these days. Long time for a ball game but they also have gone into extra innings some nights.

On a fun note, I colored a page from a coloring book called It’s about to get real unprofessional last night when I couldn’t sleep right away. It is themed as interns should get paid at their sites rather than not, which happens most of the time. It really sucks for a financially strapped grad student working on their final degree. The page has been retweeted a few times and I think that it’s great to give them the exposure so that more books can possibly get sold. Coloring has been a good distraction for me. It also helps me to relax from anxiety and overwhelm. My therapist replied to my message about being overwhelmed with gender dysphoria. She said to journal and write to organize my thoughts. Sometimes I am not able to do that but coloring helps to calm me down enough so I can write. I don’t know why I have been having trouble writing when I am upset. During certain times I am able to but others it is like I write a sentence and then I go blank. My thoughts become frozen and I am unable to carry on with journaling. It is very frustrating as a writer for this to happen. I am glad that this blog has helped me overcome some of the frozen thoughts as I have been able to write at least 500 words most days. If I do less, I do less. Some days I can’t so I just post a picture of an animal.

Tomorrow I see dermatology to get my skin moles looked at. I am kind of nervous about getting there because I have to take the Orange line and then a shuttle bus to get there. It is going to be a long day.