Category: Bipolar Disorder

Saturday Blog 85

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 85

I had a fairly good sleep, though I did wake up around 0500 in pain. I was able to get back to sleep until 1300. I made coffee. My mother came home and said she needed somethings at Walgreens. I told her I would go. I drank my coffee enough so I could put the lid on and got dressed. It was really muggy and I was sweating by the time I got to the store. I got everything she needed and bought myself some turkey bacon. I haven’t had it in a while.

I came home and my shirt was soaked with sweat. I cooled off a bit and then decided to change my sheets. I didn’t have any problems, though my hip was aching me. I then decided to shower. My mother said I had to clean the shower floor because it was dirty from my feet. I don’t understand her logic. After I finished shaving my head, I showered and then cleaned the shower floor. We really need a mat as the floor can be slippery at times. I didn’t get dressed because it was too hot. I told my mother if she showered to be careful as it might be slippery. I then went upstairs to my cold room to get dressed.

I decided I was going to order Pad Thai for a reward for changing my sheets. I checked off medium as a spice level. It was hotter than I thought it would be! Next time, I am ordering mild. My mouth is still burning me. I didn’t finish it but I knew I wasn’t going to reheat it so I tossed what was left.

I was watching the game while waiting for the food and eating it. They currently are losing 1-0. But it’s still early in the game. My head is filled with music and it’s driving me nuts. So I put on my MP3 player. I need music to counteract the music in my head. I think I am getting a migraine. My head hurts. I am really tired from everything that I have done today.

It’s too early to take my night meds, though I would if I could. I am in pain but it’s tolerable. I am not going to do anything the rest of the night. I might read a few chapters of “the Adventures of Maya the Bee”. I would like to finish this book. It’s a cute little story about this bee that goes out of the hive and decides she is not going to return. Every adventure is meeting up with a new insect. She really wants to see what humans are like as she has heard conflicting stories about them.

For some reason, I have been having breast pain and I don’t know why. It is really annoying. I really would love to cut the suckers off. I fucking hate them. I was looking at top surgeons and there are none in the Boston area. There was one in Brookline but he won’t see overweight people. I think I am a little ways from having surgery anyway. I want to be on testosterone for a while before I think of surgery. I have no idea if my insurance will cover it or not. I still would love to lose some weight. I really have to control my eating habits and stop eating desserts. It’s hard though because I love desserts and ice cream. I am still eating my lemon lasagna that I made the other day. No one else is eating it so it’s all mine. I usually have a slice for breakfast. Not the best, I know but it’s so good. It’s almost gone and I won’t make another dessert for now.

chugging along

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Chugging along

I had about 3 hours of sleep in the last 24 hours. I probably would have slept for four hours but my PCP’s office called me around 0930 and woke me up. My scripts would be ready later this afternoon. I brushed my teeth and washed up. My ankle was screaming so I took some pills. It’s been the same pain going on 12 hours now. I got to Starbucks. I ordered a turkey bacon sandwich and 6 shots espresso over ice. I needed it. After I finished the sandwich, I was still hungry, so I bought another one. I didn’t care. I was hungry.

I wrote in my journal until I finished my espresso. Then I left to go to my appointment and my PCP’s office. On envelope was my name and UTox. I thought there would be a requisition inside but there wasn’t and I wasn’t handed a cup so I just left and didn’t say anything. I didn’t have to pee anyway. I was early for my psych appt. I waited in the hallway to write a little bit before going to her office to check in.

She was only a few minutes late, much to my surprise. My ankle was still smarting and the espresso was starting to wear off. She said that the possible cause of the music in my head is a rare form of migraine activity. I forget the exact words she used and I couldn’t spell it even if she said it 10 times. Just another fucking thing to live with.

I didn’t discuss my suicidal thoughts with her. I just kept things low key. Somehow we got on the subject of country music. I told her I was a big fan. She told me that she heard Garth Brooks on the radio talking about his new album that is due out soon. He just finished producing it. I told her I have almost all of his CDs, except his new one Man against Machine. I am looking forward to his new album as his new single I like.

She gave me my script for Ativan and we made an appt for two weeks. She still wants me to be in touch with her in the mean time. I always am. The rain was coming down harder than it was. I was glad I brought my umbrella. I usually don’t carry one but I did today because the forecast said no wind. If there is wind, I don’t use an umbrella because you are just going to get wet anyways. I made the bus home. My mother called me asking where I was. I told her I was on my way home.

I had some crackers and cheese for dinner. I don’t feel like eating anything else right now, though I am wanting some Chinese food. I am having a craving for crab Rangoon. I don’t think I can go up and down the stairs so it might be for lunch tomorrow. Unless I get really hungry later on. I plan on taking out the ground beef to thaw out tomorrow so I can make the gravy Sunday. That will be a good meal. It will all depend on if my pain levels go down. They are murderous right now. I can barely move my ankle/foot without severe pain. Having CRPS sucks so bad. My psych did agree that I have it, though she doesn’t really know what the treatment is for it. I have tried a lot of treatment for it but the pain meds seem to work the best, usually. I wish I could have long acting meds because then I wouldn’t have to take my meds around the clock or every few hours. Just sucks.

night out with friends

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Night out with friends

My friends and I went out to dinner tonight. We had fun. After dinner, they drove us to the train station so we didn’t have to rely on the commuter rail. I got to the Square just in time to catch the 2130 bus. The train was going super fast, faster than it normally does. I didn’t care because it allowed me to catch the bus home. I had to hoof it up the escalator, which my foot did not like, but I made it.

My PCP’s office called me around noon. I was still snoozing so I just let it go to voicemail as I didn’t feel like talking to anyone. I went downstairs and brushed my teeth. When I came back to my room, I called them back. I spoke to the nurse and she was asking me how I take my strong pain pill. Doc finally realized I was coming in nearly every two weeks for refills, which is what I told him my last appointment with him. Knucklehead finally realized I wasn’t lying. He wanted to increase my count so that I could fill both the strong pain pill and my regular one at the same time and just come in once a month. I was hoping to get a call later this afternoon but I didn’t. I will be near my PCP’s office tomorrow as I am meeting with my psych. I hope they can have the scripts ready for me. I will call when I get up in the morning.

I came home and my room was hot because the AC had been off for hours. I took my meds but I know I am not going to sleep anytime soon. One, I am in pain, and two it’s going to take me some time to wind down. Every time I take my night meds late I am always up. But I can’t risk taking them while out because they can cause me to be drowsy. Plus I had a glass of wine with dinner, which wouldn’t be good. I was feeling good with the alcohol but now I am just wiped out.

Trash barrels were out which reminded me that I didn’t empty my recycles like I wanted to. I’ll have to do it tomorrow night or Saturday. I just looked at my knee and there is a white patch on it. Wonderful. Now I have eczema on my knee. Good thing I have a huge bottle of eczema lotion that I bought for under my eyes. Seems I am getting it in more and more places as I get older. Sucks.

being in pain and voting

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Being in pain and voting

I woke up in the middle of the night again in pain so that disrupted my sleep. I slept most of the morning, only getting up once to pee and then have some of my dessert for breakfast. I didn’t make coffee and I didn’t go out. I was supposed to as my mother needed some things at Walgreens but she had my sister go instead. She called me around 1400 asking why I was still in bed and when I told her I was in pain, she asked if I took anything. No, I am just withering in pain, thanks. Course I took something. She doesn’t think sometimes, I swear.

She made dinner and afterwards, I was putting the mashed potatoes away. I wasn’t on my feet for more than 10 minutes. Now my ankle is hurting like I have been on it all damn day. I can’t win.

In between sleeping stints, I have been voting for my shortstop on my Sox team, Xander Bogaerts. I really would love for him to play in the All Star Game next week. Last year, I did the same but he didn’t make it. It would make watching the game worthwhile.

Despite sleeping most of the day, I am still tired. Chronic pain just sucks. It takes so much energy fighting and dealing with it. I’m at the end of my rope with it most days. This is the 3rd day in a row that I have had severe pain. Tomorrow I am supposed to meet up with some friends for dinner. I hope I am able to go. If I do go, I will be sure to take some pain meds with me so I don’t suffer.

I bought a new Bluetooth headset. Thing isn’t connecting to my phone. I emailed the support and told them. They said does the light stay on while searching. It doesn’t. I tried several different ways but my phone won’t recognize the device. I am bummed. Least I will have it when I upgrade to a new model. I have been thinking of doing so but my phone still works good and has no problems. It does what I want it to do. The only thing I hate is the constant app updates. I had to stop the automatic downloads because it happened every single day. I’d be using the app and it would stop because it was updating. So annoying.

I guess I need to take a shower tonight. My ankle isn’t going to like that at all. But it’s been a few days since I last took one. I like to keep it to a two day minimum, especially during the hot summer days. I have kept the AC off for most of the day because today has been cool and less muggy. I hope tomorrow is the same. Friday I see my psych. It will be good to see her.