Category: Bipolar Disorder

I hate summer

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I hate summer

Today was a hot typical summer day. I hate it. I hate sweating. But I had to go out for therapy. I went to Starbucks first to get my espresso and some breakfast/lunch. I wrote in my journal to pass the time. It was freezing in Starbucks but I didn’t mind. It was better than outside. It was muggy, which was good when I left to go to my therapist’s office. I hate his waiting room because it’s stuffy. The AC was on but not high enough for me.

I talked to him about going in the hospital. He wanted me to think about if there was a way I could have the elements of the hospital without going in. I don’t think so. The hospital has always been my safety net when things are rough. He wasn’t for or against it. We moved on and he started picking at his nails. I am going to bring a nail clipper the next session. It was good to talk to him but I am feeling like going in the hospital would be a good idea. I will probably go in Wed. I had my mother take out the ground beef so I could make my gravy. I’ll do that tomorrow.

I came home and the house was just disgustingly hot and muggy. I think it was cooler outside. My shirt was stuck on me that I had a hard time taking it off for a dryer one. I thought about a shower but my ankle would have divorced me. It didn’t like me for some reason. I didn’t do anything more than I normally do on a Monday. But I think the heat makes my pain worse. It’s supposed to be really muggy tomorrow so making a sauce is going to be so much fun. I will put in fresh basil from the garden. I love making it. It’s one of the few things I am good at.

I just emailed my psych to let her know I will be going in on Wed. and to let her know about what my therapist thinks about it, which is nothing useful. I told her I think talking to a turnip would be better. Least she will laugh. I just need to come up with an excuse to tell my mother about going in. Thing I HATE getting asked when I go in is “why now?”, like you aren’t being admitted unless you answer this question because yesterday you were ok and now you aren’t. Fucking assholes. I need to go in because I feel it’s in my best interest, you dumbfuck, unless you want me to suicide. That can be arranged. Seriously don’t know who comes up with these stigmatizing questions.

I am hoping that I can get both of my pain meds during the admission, if I need it. I definitely need my regular pain med or I will go through withdrawal which won’t be nice. I experienced that once and that was enough for me.

I got my cell bill today and it’s $4 more this month than last. All because of stupid administration fee, whatever the fuck that is. Unreal. My cable bill unexpectedly went up $8 so I am dishing more for something I don’t even use. Only time I watch TV/cable is when I want to watch a baseball game. Other than that, I can care less. My mother watches her shows so I mostly just pay to keep her happy as she pays my internet. Guess it’s a trade off.

I’m glad I am in my AC’d room cooling off. I lowered the temp on the AC to freezing. It’s funny, I love being cold in the summer but don’t care for it during the winter. I think it’s a different kind of cold, though I prefer being cold than having my room be a sauna like it was last winter. I needed my window open to let the cold air in. And when I put on long sleeves, my mother wanted to turn up the heat. NO THANKS! I’m good.

brain fuzzy

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Brain fuzzy

I got up a little after 9. My mother was washing clothes so I knew she wasn’t going to go over my aunt’s. I decided to make coffee. I was still feeling paranoid and my brain was feeling fuzzy. It usually happens after a psychotic episode like I had last night. The paranoia sticks around for a while. I felt like it was too early to call my psych so I just had my coffee and then made a turkey bacon sandwich.

My mother left to go grocery shopping and told me to continue to wash clothes. Then when she got back with the groceries, I had to help her put them away. My ankle was throbbing and I needed a nap. After everything was away, I laid down for an hour but I didn’t sleep. It was really cold in my room from the AC. I just huddled under the blankets.

I paged my psych and talked with her for a bit. She wanted to know if I wanted to go in the hospital and I told her no. I knew they would just drug me up or try me on a second generation drug for psychosis and I didn’t want that. I told her I was just going to stay in my room and maybe read. She said to keep in touch and I told her I would.

My sister called me saying she made a quiche. I don’t feel like having it. I think I am going to make mac and cheese for dinner. It’s been a while since I had that. My ankle is still hurting me. I took some pain meds before I laid down but they don’t seem to be working. I might need my strong pain meds. I really don’t want to take it because it’s been a while since I last had a bowel movement. I have started taking fiber pills but nothing is moving. I don’t want to take too much stuff because then I will be on the toilet all day.

I finished off my dessert today. My mother had a bite and said it tasted like Meringue pie. I said yea, but without the eggs. I don’t know if I will make it again. It was fairly simple. I like simple recipes. Tomorrow I am going to take out the ground beef so Tuesday I can make my gravy I have been wanting to make. I just hope I remember. Maybe I will take it out later tonight so it will thaw all day tomorrow.

I am feeling really hungover for some reason. Just feel like someone is after me but I don’t know who. It’s so frustrating when feeling paranoid. Think I will take 8 mg of trilafon tonight. I still need to fill my med box for the week. I’ll probably do that after I have dinner.

nothing like waking up in pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Nothing like waking up in pain

I’ve been up for the past half hour or so and it’s my bladder’s fault. While I was downstairs, I had a piece of my pie that I made. I really wanted to have it before going to bed but I had brushed my teeth. It was worth the wait. I have one slice left and that will be my breakfast. My ankle started acting up soon as I started walking around. Same fucking pain I have been dealing with the past few days. It’s driving me nuts.

I checked my messages. There were some from my friends who clearly do not understand psychosis or being in a psychotic state. You cannot just “snap out of it”. I am not full of shit or “better than that”. I have been hearing voices since I was 5. Sometimes they get out of hand for some reason or another. I have no control over it. I have gotten better at the ignore part, which is what I am going to do with my friends’ responses. It’s just not worth my time to explain this and I feel like I shouldn’t have to explain it.

My brain still feels fuzzy. Before going to bed, I took 8 mg of trilafon. I wanted to take 12 but that would be pushing it as I already have taken 8. The music is still in my brain, twisting lyrics and stuff. I hate this. This is the worse part of the illness. I’m still feeling paranoid. I’m glad the sirens have stopped, least for now.

I’m going to try and go back to sleep. I hope my pain levels allow this to happen.

unraveled

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychosis

Unraveled

I don’t know what happened after I shaved and showered. The music that I normally hear in my head turned to voices and then I got agitated and paranoid. I really believe ISIS knows where I live and are sending Jihad after me because they know I know their secret. I emailed my psychiatrist, who I would have paged but I wasn’t feeling up to it. She called me anyway and we talked. I hated this. I didn’t want to talk to her. Now I got to call her tomorrow.

It’s been a long time since I felt like this. Three male voices are wanting me to take a bottle of pills so it will be over. I just took an Ativan because the agitation is getting worse. I feel like my psych is in on the killing part and can’t be trusted.

I’m feeling really out of touch though I am trying to stay in touch. It’s really hard when you have so many voices telling you things at once and there are sirens going off. I think they are coming to get me, even though they fade in the distance. It’s sad when you can’t trust your mind and you don’t know what is real and what isn’t.

My psych said that I haven’t been like this in a while. It’s true, I haven’t. Nothing set me off. I haven’t felt stressed about anything. I just made my bed when things began to become undone. There haven’t even been ISIS in the news or on my Twitter feed so not sure why this is happening. I feel alone and scared and paranoid that people are out to get me. I am afraid to leave my room.

I was tired but now I am overtired. I got too much on my mind. I don’t know how to get out from this mess I am in. I wish the voices would stop hounding me about taking pills. I don’t know why my meds aren’t working to stop the voices. Maybe I should take more. I don’t know. It’s very weird to feel this way. I can’t trust my thoughts. I don’t know if this is because of the migraine I have or what. Least my nausea has stopped. I hate feeling agitated. It fuels the voices even more.

I have been trying to distract but it’s not working and music is not a good thing right now because it makes everything louder. My head is feeling like it’s at Fenway park with a full stadium of people. But I am alone in my room with just the AC on. So many voices all talking at once. I need to do this and that now. Just take this and it will all be over. This person is coming to get you. I am so scared.

I haven’t been like this in a long time. I hope that by tomorrow what ever this is, is gone. I don’t want to go to the ER. They just make things worse with the bright lights and the noise. Plus, they don’t believe you when you tell them you are hearing voices anyway. It’s a conspiracy. They just want your insurance money and then transfer you to another unit that is worst.