Category: Bipolar Disorder

having a rough day so listening to Taylor

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Having a rough day so listening to Taylor

I only got about 4 hours sleep. I was up all night and didn’t go to sleep until 0600. I didn’t think I was going to get to sleep but I took an Ativan and slept a little bit. I made coffee and finished Huck Finn. My sister made a burger on the grill and I am having a beer. I love Sam Adams Summer Ale. I still need to go to the liquor store to see if they have Zima. That is my all time favorite drink. But it’s only limited edition so once it is gone, it is gone.

After I had the burger, the pain in my ankle came back. I took some pain meds. I don’t care that I am drinking a beer with it. One beer isn’t going to hurt me. I’m hoping it will make me sleep for a bit. I am really tired. It has been a long while since I was up all night. I had emailed my psych but haven’t had a response. I really don’t know what I wrote other than I was fed up with my condition and I didn’t want to go in the hospital unless they would amputate my ankle.

It’s another hot day but I don’t care. My sister wanted me to help her with the lawn stuff. HA, No fucking way. I am just glad she got the grill up and running. I miss having BBQ food. There is a chicken kabob recipe I got on Facebook that I want to try. She needs to show me how to work the grill though as I really have no clue.

I was going to change my sheets today but that isn’t going to happen. I am much too tired to attempt such an ordeal. I’ll attempt the task tomorrow. I still need to bring down my recycles. I have two bins now full. I’ll take them down tomorrow as Thursday is trash day, least I think it will be. I’m not sure because today is a holiday.

Can’t believe I am still hurting and I haven’t done a thing for the past half hour. I am starting to feel a little drunk. Doesn’t take much to get a buzz off alcohol these days. I am almost done with my beer. I was hoping it would tone down the pain but I guess not. I am so depressed about it. Seems like nothing helps this pain and I am just forced to live with it. What kind of life is that? Not one that I want to live through. I much rather be dead. But I am a coward. I have a plan and yet I am scared to execute it. I don’t know if I will succeed this time or if I will be saved because I will be in a public space. But it is where I want to die. I hope one of these days I get the guts and go through with it. My only other fear is that it will be too far to walk to. I don’t know. I just know I don’t want to exist anymore.

bitch rant

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Bitch rant

I’m not in a good mood right now. I made my dessert and then cleaned up afterwards. I washed all the dishes that were in the sink while my dessert was setting in the fridge. I am in a lot of pain now. I took some pain meds but my feet got cold and when I put on my thermal socks, the elastic aggravated my ankle. I am hurting all over the damn place. Now my toes are fucking hurting. I can’t stand it anymore!! I don’t know why I am so strung out.

After I cleaned up, I took a shower and had to cut my toe nails. My foot did not like that. I didn’t do a good job on my big toe. It’s rough and uneven. I can’t seem to fix it without pain so when it settles down, I will try and file it. I can’t even touch my own foot. It just hurts too much.

I took my night meds after I filled my box for the week. I feel very depressed that I am in pain. I also feel suicidal. I won’t do anything tonight. Hell, I don’t think I’ll ever do anything. I seem to make all these fucking plans but never go through with them. Pisses me off so much. I just want to fucking die right now and I can’t go through with it all because I can’t fucking walk. I am so pathetic.

I got shit from my mother tonight because I didn’t want to call my brother in law to throw the trash over the porch. I didn’t have shoes on and the porch floor has pebbles on it. I didn’t want to get them on my bare feet because they stick. So my mother had a fit. Tough shit. She can take care of it tomorrow. I don’t fucking care.

I don’t know why I am so fucking low tonight. I know it’s partly because I am so much pain. I never get a break from it. If I do, it’s only for a few hours. Most of the time it is while I sleep. If I could sleep all day, that would be great but I can’t. I am so tired of being in pain. I really wish I was dead.

Random 180

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 180

Once I fell asleep around 0500, I didn’t get up till around 1400. It was a good sleep. I made coffee. My mother had left some bacon out and I had that. Then I made a couple of hot dogs after the coffee. I wanted more coffee but didn’t feel like making another cup. My ankle was smarting as I was making stuff in the kitchen. I decided to make my dessert so I took out the needed ingredients. Hopefully the cream cheese and butter will be softened by 1800 or so. It’s really warm in the kitchen so I think it will be. I will make the lemon pudding soon. I should take out the ground beef so I can make my dirty gravy tomorrow. Maybe I will when I go in the kitchen next.

Other than making the dessert, I have no other plans today. My sisters have gone to the beach. Apparently the one that lives around the corner from me came over this morning. I was sound asleep so didn’t see her. She left me a pen from Sicily. I can’t wait to see her. I missed her a lot.

The All Star Game is next week. I have been voting for my favorite shortstop, again because he didn’t make the rounds. I voted for him last year and he didn’t make it. I hope this year he will. My Sox will be off, again, for four days. I am going to go nuts, lol. I love baseball so much. I wish I could watch it more but I can’t sit for that length of time. I love listening to the game more or following it on Twitter or both. I had sent my BFF in Canada Red Sox hats for her son and grandsons. They loved them. They didn’t want to take the hats off. So cute. I feel really happy that they love them. Makes me feel good.

A dear friend sent me an audible book. I never heard a book before so I am not sure what to expect. I plan on listening to it some time tonight. He said it might help me sleep, lol. Maybe it will relax me after the ball game. The game is in Texas and will start at 2000. I have been spoiled with day games the last few days.

I think I am going to fill my pill box for the week. I don’t think I will be going to the hospital as I am feeling better and the voices have quieted down. I’m not feeling like I should be babysat or in a safe environment. I know that if I go in with psychosis, chances are they will put me on a different medication than the trilafon. I really don’t want to change meds. The 2nd generation of antipsychotics have a lot of side effects that I don’t like and may put me at greater risk of diabetes because I have a history of diabetes in my family. I have enough medical issues and don’t need any more. Long as my suicidality stays in check, I should be okay.

I have no therapy this week because my therapist is on vacation. I do see my psychiatrist this week. I am kind of weary about it because the day before her appointment, I will be going out with friends. I hope there isn’t much pain that night or I will be screwed. Having a chronic pain condition just sucks because you never know when you are going to flare. It is so frustrating.

slept awkward

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Slept awkward

I had woken up to take some more pain meds and moved my pillow but instead of taking my meds, I fell back to sleep. My neck was in an awkward position and it was hurting. Now I am up because I can’t go back to sleep and my ankle/foot is being an asshole.

It’s 0300. I took some Ativan to try and get the kink out of my neck and to go back to sleep. It’s still hot and humid in the house, but freezing in my room because of the AC. I love it. Because I am up now, I don’t think I will be leaving the house to go to the ER for an admission in three hours. I’d have to go early in the morning so I can be seen and the process begins. Last time I went though, I was still there for about 14 hours in the ER. I am feeling slightly better than I was on Friday night, but the pain is driving me nuts and I seriously thought about killing myself again. I just waited it out because there was nothing I could do. I was maxed out on my pain meds so I couldn’t take more, except the strong pain pill. I didn’t want to unless the pain didn’t go away. It did settle down after a few minutes. Sometimes it is in these bursts for some reason. It’s awful because you’re screaming in pain. And you just want to seriously die on the spot because it is so awful.

I’m going to try and change my sheets today. I wanted to do that yesterday but I got lazy. I did a lot of stairs on Saturday while going to the wake and my calf was tight. I didn’t want to aggravate it with wrestling with the sheets. I just hope I don’t sleep all day.

My sisters and nieces came home safely. I saw one sister, the one that lives on the first floor. It was so good to see my nieces. I didn’t want to let them go while hugging them. I missed them so much. The pictures were beautiful. My sis brought back some cheeses and olives. She also had a ton of little gifts. I got a dish with a wine stopper, a key chain, and a piece of lava rock from Mt. Etna. That was really cool. I am glad they had fun and saw all my cousins over there, or most of them anyway. My parents home town was very barren as there are no jobs there so my cousins are in the cities outside of there. It still is a very beautiful place. My sisters and nieces saw my father’s last surviving brother. He probably won’t survive the year because he is not eating. He lost a lot of weight since I last saw him. He has dementia. One minute he knew who my sister was and the next he didn’t. It is hard. He is close to 90. There are strong genes on both sides of the family.

Going to try and go back to sleep. Hope I am successful.