Category: Bipolar Disorder

I want to cry

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I want to cry

I haven’t been in pain for most of the day and soon after I took my pain meds and some Benadryl, it starts up. I took the Benadryl because my allergies were really bad. I have been sneezing all day for some reason. It was so annoying. Anyways, after the pain started, my foot and ankle started doing a cramping motion that was more painful than the pain itself. I wanted to cry. I took another Ativan and now I am ready to sleep but I can’t because I am kind of wired.

My diet didn’t go well today. I only had three shakes and then a black bean burger because I was hungry. I also had a protein bar and some fruit. I didn’t drink any water because I just didn’t feel like it. After the phone call with the insurance company for my phone, I kind of lost all appetite. I am surprised I even made it through the day. I am hungry now and should eat something but I really don’t want to go back downstairs because I am in pain. I really want cookies because it’s my comfort food but I want to stick with my diet.

I emailed my psychiatrist about how I was feeling and then I realized, what if she calls me? I had to send her another email saying don’t call me because my phone is disconnected. I didn’t give her an explanation. I will tell her when I see her on Friday. Hopefully my phone is fucking turned on by then.

I kind of feel proud because without dieting, I lost six pounds. I weighed myself today and I was the same as I was before I started dieting but I was heavier when I first got my fitness pal app. I don’t know what I did. I swear it’s the meds that fluctuate my weight. I just hope that once I get back in a routine of some sort, I lose the weight more frequently than what I am right now. I haven’t left the house since Friday. I hope to go to Starbucks tomorrow but there is no guarantee I will. It all depends on my pain levels.

I can’t wait to text my friend that I met in the hospital four years ago. I am sure she is worried about me. Or she thinks I am mad at her for not answering her text messages. I hope my explanation will be satisfactory to her. I didn’t know my phone was going to be turned off. If I did, I would have had one of my other phones turned on so I would still have a phone. I am such an idiot.

I just want to cry because I am in pain again. I am so tired of being in pain. It’s so exhausting. I am afraid to lie down because I fear that my pain will increase. I am so tired though, physically, even though I haven’t done anything all day. I know it’s the Benadryl and pain meds that are making me tired. I just need to try and sleep and it might happen. Just wish the PTSD would calm down enough so I could try and sleep.

Still Phoneless

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Still Phoneless

I again didn’t have service on my phone so I called ranting and raving. I demanded my phone be turned on as they had the replacement phone in their possession. A lot of good it did me. I got to wait an additional 24 hours. I told them if by 1030 tomorrow morning it’s not on, I want a credit on my account for loss service. This is ridiculous!

My books came today, a week early. Now I can sell them to friends and family members that are interested in it. I am excited. I hope they do sell.

My diet is going well for day 2. I had a horrible experience last night where I ended up puking due to the smells of the bathroom. I don’t know why it got me so sick but I was. I hope the same thing doesn’t happen again tonight. I did feel better after I threw up so maybe something wasn’t agreeing with me anyways.

I wanted to go out today for my espresso but I missed the bus and didn’t feel like waiting an hour for the next one. I made coffee at home. I was so pissed from the phone incident this morning that I am not really hungry so haven’t been on schedule with my shakes. I just had a protein bar because I wanted chocolate. I will have a shake in about an hour. It’s really raining pretty good so I am glad I didn’t go out.

Pain has been minimal today despite the rain. I am feeling really tired though for some reason. I took pain meds this morning but never really slept them off. It was really just a quick nap. Coffee didn’t help. I started another reading challenge. I already finished one book. I got 29 books to go. We’ll see how far I get this month. I still want to read the “Cursed Child”. It’s a Harry Potter book. It’s more dialogue than a book because it’s based on a play. It should make for easy reading, I hope anyway.

Despite the temperature being up, the house is cold. My mother hasn’t turned up the heat, which is good because I was tired of wearing shorts around the house. I know the heat is on because my radiator spits every now and then. I really wanted to text my therapist today to tell her about my book but now it will have to wait till tomorrow. I am so pissed. She probably thinks I am really mad at her for not texting her at all the past week and a half. I swear I am never calling in a claim unless I know for sure my phone is gone. I still need to back up the photos on my phone so they are not lost. Maybe I will do that tonight.

day 1 of dieting

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Day 1 of dieting

The day is going fairly well. I had my first two shakes for breakfast and lunch. I am keeping track of my calories with my fitness pal app. I did cheat a little by having a few strips of bacon that my mother made this morning. I didn’t want them to go to waste.

I took a shower and immediately felt exhausted. I don’t know why it can either make me tired or woken up. Today it was the latter. I am really trying to stick with the diet today. I have three more shakes to drink. I had to take my pain meds because prior to taking my shower, my foot started hurting like a bitch. I waited for it to work a little before I took my shower.

I’m still without a phone. I should have it turned on tomorrow. If not, I am going to go ballistic. I want my damn phone dammit! I swear I am never doing this again. It’s just torture to have a phone and no one can turn it off but the jerks at the insurance company until they confirm the replacement phone has been received. So ridiculous.

Shake three has been drunk. I think I like the Orgain drinks better than the Pure Protein. I also find them more filling. I have 530 calories left for the day so I am doing good. I had to have something solid so I had a yogurt and some fresh pineapple. I have no idea where the pineapple came from but it was good. I love pineapple but I can’t eat too much because the roof of my mouth will become raw. I found that out the hard way. The nice thing about this diet is that I don’t feel bloated like I thought I would. I am keeping up with hydration with a bottle of water after each shake. My kidneys are going to be in shock because I hardly drink any water except for when I am really thirsty. I mostly drink Powerade. But I am only drinking that when I take my meds. I can’t take my meds and drink water because it’s just gross.

I was talking with a friend of mine last night as I couldn’t sleep because of pain. I was afraid of lying down and having the pain increase. It sometimes happens. I knew it was my PTSD flaring up so I took an Ativan to calm down. As we were talking, I was telling her my plan. She said she did what I wanted to do and obviously survived. That just threw a wrench in my works. Now I got to come up with some other plan. Fuck. I am not happy.

No one has bought my new book yet. I haven’t been promoting like I did my first book. That is the hard part of self-publishing, you have to do the promoting. It’s hard because I am in pain all the time or just depressed. Plus you can only say the same things over and over until you get tired of them. And all you’re really saying is “buy my damn book”. I thought my second book would sell better because it isn’t so dark, but then it hasn’t been out a week yet. I am going to place some tweets out today if I can figure out what to say.

My therapist is back in the office tomorrow. I hope my phone is turned back on so I can text her. I really missed texting her. I know it’s going to be hard when we no longer see one another. I got a Zipcar so I can see her next week for our session. I hope it’s not too emotional because I really don’t want to cry and drive. That would not be good because I have a long way to drive.

The pain demon has struck again. My damn foot exploded a little while ago. All I did today was empty the recycles. I have been in my room the majority of the time, only leaving to get a protein drink or go to the bathroom. Maybe the shower was too much. But that was hours ago. I don’t know what flares up my pain anymore. I have given up trying to figure it out because what causes me pain today won’t tomorrow. I just don’t fucking get it. It is so annoying. Now my pain meds are making me sleepy again. Doesn’t help that I turned off the ceiling fan so my room is a sauna again. My indoor thermometer needs new batteries. I was going to get them but why bother. I am only going to be around for a month or so. I can’t imagine going on longer than that. I can’t stand being in pain anymore. I have had enough. I quit. Strike three has been called and I’m out.

New Year’s Day 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

New Year’s Day 2017

I woke up in pain and it immediately put me in a bad mood. I took some meds and checked my messages on my phone. Mostly they were emails and some FB messages as my phone is still off. It’s so frustrating. I have to wait two more days for my phone to be turned on. After I checked my messages I went back to sleep. It was difficult because my loud mouth sister came up to wish my mother a Happy New Year. Then she kept calling me through the What’s up app, which I couldn’t figure out how to answer the call. It kept giving me some kind of stupid message and I don’t understand it. She’ll have to give me a tutorial before she leaves for her trip.

I went back to sleep and thought it was only a few hours I slept. It was more than that. I woke up around 1400. So much for want to do something today. I reheated some Chinese food as I need to eat as much as I can. Tomorrow I am going on a diet and I can’t eat the stuff. I was hungry so I finished the orange chicken and a bowl of rice. Then an hour later I had some more rice. I am full now.

I found out that my friend’s step dad was taken off life support. I wish him a peaceful passing. He was a great guy. I am going to miss him.

Last night as I was in mad crazy pain and couldn’t sleep, I wrote my psychiatrist an email but I wrote it in word doc first. I didn’t send it because if she tried calling me, she wouldn’t be able to get a hold of me. That wouldn’t be good. I basically was honest with her about how I planned on ending my life some time soon. I don’t know how she is going to take this news but we’ll see. Probably not good. I read the last bit of it as I sent it to a friend to read over and I didn’t like the ending so I need to change it. It’s a work in progress and I have time to change it. I see her this Friday so I can bring the letter with me as there is no guarantee that she will read the email before I see her.

I’m not going to let my therapist know of my plans. We are ending and there is no point. I will see her next week and will hash things out. My feelings on the matter haven’t changed. I am going to miss her. I still can’t believe we are over. She will be my last therapist. I have made the decision not to continue with anyone else. It’s just too painful to be talking with someone and then it not work out. She was a great supporter in the things that I did. I just wish she was more of a therapist than a friend.