Category: Bipolar Disorder

Saturday Blog 72

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 72

I was up till 0130 talking to a friend while my ankle was throbbing up a storm. I woke up around 7ish with my foot hurting so took some more pain meds. I was asleep most of the day. Then my mother called me around 1330 saying to call my sister. Why my sister didn’t call me, I have no clue. She had already texted me. Then when I did call her she went off on me. I felt like hanging up on her. She wanted me to babysit. I reluctantly agreed, though I really didn’t want to. I still am not feeling great and my ankle/foot is still hurting me because of the lovely snow storm we are having. Once I was able to turn on my damn desk lamp, I took some more pain meds. My niece doesn’t really need to be “watched” just needs company.

I was hungry as I had not eaten anything all day and the thought of going back to my diet wasn’t appealing. Not when my pain was a 12. I needed real food so I ordered a sub and fries. I didn’t feel like making anything. I had a yogurt while I waited for my food to be delivered.

I still have a couple hours before I have to go downstairs to watch my niece. I took a nap and then it was time to go downstairs. My foot is still hurting me but I didn’t take any medication, least for now. The snow has accumulated quite a bit and it’s still snowing. I don’t think it’s going to stop until tomorrow evening or at least sometime tomorrow. I should have woken up sooner so I could have gone to the post office this morning but that wasn’t happening. I’ll just go Monday.

My sister just called and said some roads are really bad because they aren’t plowed but the city roads are okay. Figures. I just hope she stays safe in this weather. If it was me, I wouldn’t have ventured out. I hate driving in the snow.

Random 901

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 901

I went to the Square and had my Starbucks. I also had a protein bar with my espresso. I didn’t have any protein drinks but I am trying to be good today. I wrote in my journal for about an hour before I had to leave to go to my psychiatrist’s appointment. I had to go to the bathroom by the time I got there. Unfortunately, the disabled stall was taken so I had to use a regular one. I almost fell off the toilet as I sat down because I forgot how low they are. I hate using a regular stall but my bladder couldn’t wait.

I had about fifteen minutes before my appointment and my psychiatrist wasn’t on time, as usual. I didn’t mind waiting. It gave me some time to prepare what I had to say. She got me from the waiting room and told me she was shocked I was still in one piece. I told her my ankle is still sleeping, though I had a few slips today as the sidewalks were a little icy. Luckily, I didn’t fall. We talked about the week and the letter I wrote her. I wasn’t in a good mood all week and said I was suicidal again. She wanted me to consider the hospital but I can’t go in because I have babysitting duties next week. She wanted to know what to do to help me and I guess I just said, increased contact so we are meeting next Friday.

After the appointment, I caught the bus home and went to the grocery store to buy a cake for the party tonight. The selections weren’t that great so I chose a small cake. My sister didn’t like it but oh well. No one really eats cake anyways and she had an ice cream cake so the two should be plenty. I then went to Walgreens to do an errand for my mother. On the way home, the handles on the bags broke. Wonderful. I had to carry the bags carefully before they really ripped. By the time I made it up to my room my ankle had enough of me walking all over the place. It flared up so now I am stuck in my room.

My mother made mac and cheese for dinner and I had some. My ankle didn’t like me going downstairs but I was hungry as all I had to eat was that protein bar earlier in the day. Then it was giving me fits as I tried to hobble around the kitchen. I just came back to my room and will be staying here until the pain lessens. I already took my pain meds so I will be taking a nap soon. I need one.

I decided not to go to the post office today because I had to do all these errands and go to my appointment. I will go tomorrow if I am feeling okay. If not, there is always next week. I also need to buy more mailers. I meant to do that today and forgot. I like the ones from the Post office because they are sturdy and weigh less than the ones at the store. Plus it’s the perfect size for my book.

Off Track

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Off Track

It’s only been day 4 of my diet and I am not doing well. I was craving pastrami and fries after my nap today. I gave in. I couldn’t bear to drink another shake. I should have bought different flavors rather than the same one. It’s getting old very quickly. Tomorrow I see my psych so I am not sure how the diet will go then. It’s going to be challenging because in the evening, my sisters are having a birthday party for my mother and niece and that means cake. I am a cake addict so it’s going to be difficult to resist the temptation.

Because I had to take another strong pain pill last night to get relief, I was waking up every few hours. I am exhausted today. I wanted to go to the post office to mail my books out but after I took a shower, my energy went down and I needed to nap. Then I didn’t want to do anything after the nap. I still feel like I can go to sleep.

I emailed my psych twice last night. One was to send her the blog I wrote and the second one was to basically bitch about the pain I was in. If I said more than that, I don’t remember. She didn’t respond to the email and she didn’t call me so I guess it wasn’t that dire. I gave in and texted my therapist to see if she had any times available today. I just feel like I need to talk to someone, someone that understands chronic pain that I go through. I had sent a message to my support group that I was just looking for someone to listen and not really give advice. What I got was advice. Did you take this or that? I got very annoyed. Not even my support group understands my pain syndrome.

There was a bank robbery in the town over from mine. They think the guy fled to my town. I am hearing helicopters so they must be searching for him. He escaped from prison. We are told he isn’t dangerous but you never know. People will do things in desperate situations. I hope they catch him. HOLY SHIT! They caught the guy near my street! Glad he is in custody. They caught him as he was trying to rob another bank a block from my house. Mass State Police has him now.

My migraine is back and the noise from the helicopter is not helping. I am getting agitated and more annoyed. It’s not helping my headache. And I can’t sleep. It’s probably some damn news helicopter. Assholes.

I’m in a bad mood again. I was feeling okay this morning but during the afternoon my mood went from good to bad. Pain isn’t helping. It’s just making me feel hopeless. I try not to let it get to me but every day I have the same pain or a different kind of pain and I can’t do anything about it. I have to take several meds to control it, which mess up my bowels. I haven’t gone in the last three days because I had to take my strong pain pill each day. Even going pee is trouble some because I just retain the urine. It takes a few minutes for the flow to start because of my nerve injury. It’s troubling me because I know if I bring up these side effects, I might not be prescribed the meds anymore, which would be terrible. The benefits out weigh the side effects.

I just took some ibuprofen for my damn headache. I think the helicopters are going to be in the area a while. What they can see in the air is anybody’s guess. They probably won’t have a news conference for another half hour or so. I am glad I don’t have to be near the area where the barracks are. That place must be swamped with news vehicles, making the evening commute a joke. Having your ankle and head hurt at the same time really sucks.

I have three cases of the protein drinks that I like. I have half of the ones I don’t. I usually just have one of them a day. I foolishly bought three boxes of protein bars. I like them and they come in handy when you are hungry but don’t want to make something to eat. Each box has six bars in it. Before the diet, I bought a box to try them out and kind of almost ate a bar each day so I had to buy more. They are really good. Maybe I will take some protein bars with me tomorrow to stave off hunger so I don’t cheat.

A day gone to hell

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

A day gone to hell

I woke up not feeling good. I was a little nauseous after dealing with the stupid phone company to turn my phone back on. I then had a shake, thinking it was because I was hungry but the shake just made the nausea worse. I figure I would skip the diet today and have real food. I went to Starbucks and had a breakfast sandwich and my espresso. I started to feel dizzy and then sick so I waited for the next bus to come before heading home. The dizziness got worse on the ride home. I knew I was in trouble.

I got home and there were packages on my door. They were heavy and I knew I couldn’t carry them up the stairs without passing out so I took them in the house and then went upstairs. My mother was in the middle of a coughing fit and needed water. I quickly got her some. The dizziness was coming and going. I needed to go to my room and relax. I made it up the stairs without incident and then took some meds and laid down. All this did was set off my ankle pain. So in addition to my head ready to explode, my ankle bone was being pounded by an imaginary hammer. I took some pain meds and prayed for death at this point.

The migraine went away but then I was left with a residual headache. Took some Excedrin for that and I still don’t have relief but at least I can tolerate light. I also took some more Zofran as my stomach was still queasy. It’s quieting down but I still feel sick. I don’t want my ankle to act up again so I am just lying still and praying the pain goes away and that the pain meds don’t make me sicker than what I am.

All of this is not helping my suicidality. I wish there was a way for me to get arsenic pills or hemlock. That would be easier than the unknown of taking a bunch of pills and praying for death that may not come. I never should have gotten rid of the lethal meds I had in my possession at one point. I thought my suicidality would be over with once my pain meds were increased and I had adequate coverage every month. Stupid me for thinking that. Bargaining is my worse enemy. I don’t know why I bother hoping for things anymore when I know things are going to be the same or worse than what they are.

I can’t stand being in chronic pain anymore. And if my doc decides to prescribe me the extended release medication I would like, I have to finagle the bagel to afford it for a few months. That is if I want to live that long. I wanted to send a letter to my psychiatrist about my plans. But I am scared she might flip out on me. I see her Friday. I can try and talk about it then. I won’t bother telling my therapist because she won’t be my therapist that much longer.

I took an Ativan so my PTSD doesn’t flare up on me with all this pain. I’m already starting to feel anxious, which isn’t doing me any favors. I am glad I didn’t finish my coffee. I keep burping it up. I hope I don’t puke. But I need to lie down before my head explodes or I just pass out from my pain meds. I need sleep. But I am scared my ankle pain will increase once I lie down. Such a dilemma. I really don’t want the imaginary hammer to come back, pounding on my ankle bone. That wasn’t pleasant. It literally took the breath out of me it hurt so bad. Such is this stupid pain syndrome without a name.