Category: Bipolar Disorder

Pain Filled Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pain filled Monday

I woke up in some serious pain this morning. I took my regular pain meds and waited to nod off back to sleep. As I was lying down, my pain intensified. It was the barbed wire type pain only responds to the strong pain pill. It was around 0800 in the morning and already my day was turning to hell. I reluctantly took the pill because what choice did I have. It was either be in pain all day or not. I chose not. Needless to say, I didn’t leave the house. It was freezing out anyways.

I woke up and was hungry. I had a protein bar because I didn’t feel like making something to eat. Least not yet anyways. A few hours later I was really hungry and seeing as I was in pain and didn’t give a fuck (my normal pain had returned, lucky me), I made a deep dish pizza. I also had some Oreos but I limited myself to four.

Last night I decided to email my psychiatrist the letter I wrote her last week. She responded and thanked me for sharing it. I don’t know what is going to happen on my appointment come this Friday. I am really nervous about it. I don’t know what she is going to say when I meet her in person.

I had to cancel my car reservation to see my therapist on Wed because my mother’s phone is down and the technician can only come out during the time I would have to leave Boston. Seeing as I only have a working phone right now, if they call and need access to our line, I will have to let them in because my mother can’t hear the doorbell nor could I call her to let her know the tech is there. Oh well, I will just have to have a phone session. I will reschedule once I have a better idea on where our relationship is going anyways.

I can’t believe my ankle has been bothering me for almost a full 24 hours. Soon as my pain meds wear off, it starts up again. It’s driving me nuts. I just took more pills. I take my night meds in about an hour, might be sooner than that because I want to go to bed soon. I swear if I wake up in pain tomorrow morning, I am going to call my doc and be placed on a different medication. I just can’t live like this anymore, I really can’t. I’m doing my best not to attempt suicide but this pain is really testing my limits and patience.

I got the first sale of my book today. My little cousin bought a signed copy and I received the money today. She sent me a sweet little note with it. I need to go to the post office tomorrow to mail out the books. I also need to get more mailers. I like the ones the post office have because they’re more sturdy than the ones at Walgreens.

agitated, hot, and irritable

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Agitated, hot, and irritable

It’s 11 degrees out but it’s like 90 in my room. I have turned down the heat some but the radiator still kicks on because it is so cold out. I tried opening my window but it wouldn’t budge. I will have to see if my brother in law can open it as he shut it last when he took my AC out of it. I just need some cold air because I am frying like an egg. I hate being hot. It makes me irritable!

I was talking with a friend tonight because I was having some mental difficulties. She couldn’t help because she didn’t know how. I rather her say that than say stupid things. It just annoys me. I got really agitated because the voices were loud and I couldn’t quiet them down. My pain is through the roof, which isn’t helping matters. Trying to get the window open did it no favors either.

Am I really that difficult for people to get what I am saying and try to help me? Even my therapist doesn’t know how to help me anymore, and she has had professional training. I just don’t get it. It makes me annoyed and also makes me feel hopeless. I think the only person that really gets me is my psychiatrist. She gets the pain that I am in and the depression and psychosis. She understands me. So why can’t other people??

I think I am going to send the letter I wrote to my psychiatrist to her. See what she thinks. I know I will be walking a fine line because the letter is very suicidal. She doesn’t know that I have made out my will. Actually, no one knows except the blog world now. I think I wrote it before I wrote my psychiatrist that letter. I see her on Friday so I think she knows that I won’t be doing anything between now and then without talking to her about it first. She has a lot of trust in me and I would be an idiot to try something and lose that trust.

Thing is, if I send the letter, she will know my suicide date and that might be a problem for me. I still am thinking about going through with my plans. I know that I might lose her trust but if I am dead, that won’t matter much to me. If I don’t succeed, then there is a huge problem. I will be screwed if I live. That’s why I got to make sure that what I take, will indeed kill me.

Wow, for the first time all day, my ankle and foot are not hurting. I guess all the meds I took have finally worked. Maybe now I can finally catch some zzz’s. I just hope I sleep through the night and not wake up every few hours. That will just suck a lot. I got things to do tomorrow so I can’t be sleeping all day. I sent my friend a pic of my foot while it was flaring. She said it was huge. I said yea and when it really hits the highs, all my veins pop out, which it did a few minutes after I sent the pic. I knew it was going to be aggravating night for sleep once that happened.

Well, if I am going to send that letter, I might as well do it now because I am falling asleep. Later guys and gals.

do nothing on a snowy Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Do nothing on a snowy Sunday

It was freezing out so I didn’t go anywhere and just stayed in bed. My ankle wasn’t appreciative of the efforts. The times I did have to get up and go downstairs, it rebelled more. But I had to eat and use the bathroom so there was nothing I could do. I tried to stay on my diet today but it didn’t work out that way. But I stayed away from cookies so that was a plus.

Today was snow clearing day. I hope tomorrow I will be able to go out. I need to get my prescription and some items at Walgreens. I don’t think I will be going to the Square but who knows, my mood might change. I got to go to the post office, too. Lots of errands tomorrow.

I did some writing in my journal. I have been trying to write in it every day but the past few days, I got side tracked. I basically wrote an update with my psychiatrist and where we are now with my suicidality. I also wrote about meeting my therapist this week. It might end up being a phone session because there is rain in the forecast. I hate driving in the rain so it might be better to wait a week. I don’t know. I’ll check the forecast Tuesday and see what the weather is going to be like before cancelling my reservation for the car. The weather might change by then.

Pain has been a constant for me today. Either my foot or my ankle keeps flaring up. Sometimes, both. It’s so annoying because I don’t know what pain pill to take and what time to take it because it is so sporadic. Just becomes so frustrating. And the type of pain varies as well. Just drives me nuts.

I finally sold a Kindle book. I am excited about that. A friend of mine in Ireland bought it. She wants me to help her publish her poems. She writes really good poems. She sent me the document today to look over, which I will do some time this week. It will give me something to do.

I sent last night’s blog to my psychiatrist but I haven’t received a response. Maybe she hasn’t read it yet. I haven’t sent my therapist any blogs other than the one I wrote before our break. It was about our relationship. I miss sending her stuff but with my suicidality being so bad, I really don’t want her to know if we are ending. I still don’t know if this is going to happen or not. I will find out Wednesday what her decision will be. It still kills me that after sixteen years, she finally figures out she can’t help me anymore. I feel so let down and heartbroken.

Pain is at it again

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Pain is at it again

I was talking with a friend of mine late after my babysitting duties were over. I started to fall asleep on her so I told her goodnight. I started to drift off a bit soon as my head hit the pillow. My arm started feeling like spaghetti. My foot was throbbing like someone was beating it with a hammer. I wasn’t sleepy anymore. I took an Ativan for the spaghetti feeling. I had already taken my night time dose of pain meds so I can’t take another dose for at least two hours. Sitting up has already relieved some of the pain.

I feel restless and hopeless. One of my Twitter friends, and I use that term lightly, was in trouble tonight. I tried talking to her but she really just wanted to think about suicide as a way to end her pain. There was nothing I could say to convince her otherwise. It got me thinking about my own suicidal feelings. I am about four weeks away from my proposed plan. I don’t know if I am going to go through with it or not. And I don’t know if someone would be able to talk me out of it either. I am feeling really hopeless about things right now. Pain is not helping me think clearly, that I know.

I need to call my friend tomorrow. He has invited me to go south of Boston to meet up with some friends of ours for a school play. I don’t want to go because it just exhausts me and I am in pain the next day or that night into the next day. I just can’t tolerate pain anymore. I really want to see my friends but I don’t want to be in pain. It’s a huge juggling act and I lose out and so do my friends because they want to see me. I feel bad because I am missing out but I got to take care of myself. The more I am in pain, the more my suicidality rises. I just can’t stand it anymore.

After my babysitting duties, I decided to shower. It felt good to be clean again. But I was very cold as there was no heat in the bathroom. Our heater broke before the summer and the replacement doesn’t do a very good job. It’s on for about fifteen minutes and then shuts off. It sucks. My brother in law is stubborn about fixing it. He thinks that is the way it’s supposed to work. You can’t tell him anything.

Okay, I am going to try this thing called sleep again. I hope I succeed. If not, I will be back!