Agitated, hot, and irritable
It’s 11 degrees out but it’s like 90 in my room. I have turned down the heat some but the radiator still kicks on because it is so cold out. I tried opening my window but it wouldn’t budge. I will have to see if my brother in law can open it as he shut it last when he took my AC out of it. I just need some cold air because I am frying like an egg. I hate being hot. It makes me irritable!
I was talking with a friend tonight because I was having some mental difficulties. She couldn’t help because she didn’t know how. I rather her say that than say stupid things. It just annoys me. I got really agitated because the voices were loud and I couldn’t quiet them down. My pain is through the roof, which isn’t helping matters. Trying to get the window open did it no favors either.
Am I really that difficult for people to get what I am saying and try to help me? Even my therapist doesn’t know how to help me anymore, and she has had professional training. I just don’t get it. It makes me annoyed and also makes me feel hopeless. I think the only person that really gets me is my psychiatrist. She gets the pain that I am in and the depression and psychosis. She understands me. So why can’t other people??
I think I am going to send the letter I wrote to my psychiatrist to her. See what she thinks. I know I will be walking a fine line because the letter is very suicidal. She doesn’t know that I have made out my will. Actually, no one knows except the blog world now. I think I wrote it before I wrote my psychiatrist that letter. I see her on Friday so I think she knows that I won’t be doing anything between now and then without talking to her about it first. She has a lot of trust in me and I would be an idiot to try something and lose that trust.
Thing is, if I send the letter, she will know my suicide date and that might be a problem for me. I still am thinking about going through with my plans. I know that I might lose her trust but if I am dead, that won’t matter much to me. If I don’t succeed, then there is a huge problem. I will be screwed if I live. That’s why I got to make sure that what I take, will indeed kill me.
Wow, for the first time all day, my ankle and foot are not hurting. I guess all the meds I took have finally worked. Maybe now I can finally catch some zzz’s. I just hope I sleep through the night and not wake up every few hours. That will just suck a lot. I got things to do tomorrow so I can’t be sleeping all day. I sent my friend a pic of my foot while it was flaring. She said it was huge. I said yea and when it really hits the highs, all my veins pop out, which it did a few minutes after I sent the pic. I knew it was going to be aggravating night for sleep once that happened.
Well, if I am going to send that letter, I might as well do it now because I am falling asleep. Later guys and gals.