Category: Bipolar Disorder

depression symptoms switching

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Depression symptoms switching

Last night for the first time in like two months, I got the hungry horrors. I had left over Chinese food and that was what I wanted. I also wanted a Red Velvet pop tart. I ate one and left the rest for lunch today. I don’t know what changed, my mood certainly hasn’t, but my eating has. Now I just have to worry about putting the weight I lost back on. I am being careful by having small meals and watching portions and stuff. Even though I am hungry, I only have a few bites of something before I am done eating it. For my “breakfast” and lunch, I had some lo Mein, which wasn’t very good. It was chicken and I hate reheated chicken. I had to throw most of it away after I ate all the noodles. I feel better now that I ate as I woke up in a grumpy mood.

After lunch, I made a cup of tea. I thought of making coffee but it was too much trouble. Tea was easier. And besides, my throat is hurting so tea will be perfect. I don’t know why my throat hurts. It’s more of a muscle ache than anything else. I think I gagged too hard yesterday and might have pulled something. I hate when that happens because this soreness can last a few days. I’m hoping the tea will help heal it.

I thought about going out today but I think I will watch movies or read instead. Nothing seems to be going on on Twitter. My clinician friend is still ranting about racism and how we need to own it. What we do once we own it, I have no idea what we are to do. His conversation bores me sometimes because what he says, I have no clue. This has been going on for a couple of weeks now.

I don’t know what I did with the Lincoln DVD. I put it in some case but now I forgot which one. I love watching the movie. I might end up watching “Pretty Woman” again, too. That’s another one of my favorites. Baseball is playing right now but I don’t feel like watching or listening. I’ll just catch the info on Twitter. The games don’t really count during spring training so I am not apt to listen/watch them. It’s just another sign that I am depressed, not having interest in my favorite sport of all time.

I really don’t want to do anything today. I want to just go back under the covers and go to sleep. I am not in pain, yet. But I just feel awful. Last night the darkness entered my chest and it was not a good feeling. I knew it was coming but I thought I had another day or two before it entered. I was wrong. Now I feel like black clouds are hovering over me, just waiting to pour down on me, to drown me in sorrow. Then the heaviness will set in and I will be paralyzed, unable to move. If I ever get the appointment with my psychiatrist, I want to ask her to go back on sertraline. It will eventually make me sick, but it might just give me some relief before it does so. I could go back to the Remeron but that has the potential for weight gain and I don’t want that. I still would like to lose another ten pounds, if I can. It will be hard work, but I think I can do it. I just have to watch what I eat.

I love the song, “Sound of a Million Dreams” by David Nail. It is such a sweet song. I remember when the song came on, I was working on my How to Save a Life paper. I really wanted to get this paper published somewhere and that is when a friend told me about blogging it. Hence my blog was born. It started off as a platform to publish my papers but then it just became my personal journaling media. My numbers were pitiful in the beginning. But now they are averaging 50-70 views a day. As time goes on, the numbers increase. I am happy about it but I do have days where I barely make 30 views. I don’t know what I would do without this blog.

Soap Opera Season has Begun

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Soap Opera Season Has Begun

It’s only day three of Spring training for the Red Sox and already it’s turning into a circus. Hanley can’t handle a throw from shortstop so gave Boegarts an error. I am lucky I didn’t see it because I would have been pissed. I am pissed just hearing about it. Then later this evening, a female Sox reporter resigns because her love life can’t include a member of the Sox. Supposedly she had relations with the skipper, Farrell. Whether these relations are continuing or have ended, hasn’t been publicly announced. I don’t understand what business it is for the press to be involved in such matters but they are just looking for a story. And it has begun. I am sure the drama at first base will continue as well as this developing story of the skipper’s love life. I wonder if baseball is going to get covered at all…

I texted my therapist several time today. I was giving her updates on the status of my appointment with my psychiatrist, which I still don’t have. My psych has not responded to the multiple emails I have sent her. I waited a good amount of time for a response. We’ll see if I get one on Monday. I am not going to bother emailing on the weekend, unless something comes up.

I also told my therapist that a slime ball inspirational speaker wants to meet my ex-therapist. I don’t know why I should care but I do. I wanted to respond with “yea, he is a great guy (therapist), but you are an asshole” but I didn’t. This guy, the speaker, pisses me off and I don’t know why. I am sure jealousy is an element on some level. He wrote a book about his experience with jumping off a bridge and surviving. When he was a teen. He is now an adult. I just find his story suspicious and every one is oooing and ahhhing over him. I understand how it is to go through a suicidal episode but you cannot tell me that he hasn’t once thought of ending his life since that day he was rescued. That he is “cured” of being suicidal. And I think that is what pisses me off about him, that he is selling something that isn’t true. I have never heard his story or read his book, so I really don’t know if there have been other suicidal episodes that he discloses. And yes I will admit to being jealous because I too wrote a book about my experience and got fucking no where with it. The only time I get an acknowledgement from the same people this clown hangs around with is when I write academic papers. Other than that, people don’t want to hear my daily struggle with suicide.

I am glad I have this blog because, honestly, I have met some pretty great people that are better than these professionals that I have met on Twitter. There is one clinician that will acknowledge me every now and then, but it’s mostly my physical pain that he responds to. I don’t know when I became a bitter person. Probably when the lab shafted me after 14 years of giving them 110% every time I worked no matter my mental or physical illness was doing to me. I was a body to them and a brain they needed to sort through the shit and foul ups of others. I’ll never forget when a resident came by the lab with four tubes of CSF and had no fucking clue what she wanted tested but expected us to know. Then when one of the tests were short, she didn’t know the difference between mad cow disease and Alzheimer’s. Really??? You are post medical school and studying neurology and you don’t know the fucking difference between these two diseases other than they affect the brain?? I memorized her name because I didn’t want to go near her. Course it has been some time now and I have forgotten it. My memory is not the same as it once was. I do know she became a pedi-neuro. Pretty scary that some parent is going to be trusting her with the life of the child.

Oh and before I forget, again, my oldest niece just published her first paper on E. Coli. I am so proud of her. It was a very HUGE accomplishment and there was a huge collaboration as the author lists just go on and on. She is listed as an acknowledgement but that is still pretty good.

I read the “do I need therapy” blog tonight because my therapist wanted me at my last session. I think it was a stupid blog because I repeated myself several times. I still don’t know what point I was trying to make. Maybe that I felt obligated to be in therapy because I feel like I owe my therapist that much. And I don’t mean monetarily wise. Like I told her in that session, I could owe her nothing yet I still would feel like I did.

My back is really hurting me. I need to lie down but if I go to sleep now, I know that I will wake up at three in the morning. I also want to keep checking my blog stats because I am 4 views away from 60,000. I haven’t taken any pain meds yet. I will once I feel a little more settled down. I got a lot on my brain.

I wonder if I should be in the hospital. I have been against it because there is no treatment there. You just get watched and drugged up and then sent home. Plus with my pain meds, they always fuck it up and I need to request it the way I take it at home rather than how it is written. I have been telling my PCP to change it even before he left but he still just left it at 1 pill every 6 hours. I usually take 2 pills twice a day, some times more, sometimes less. It all depends on what my level of pain is. He knows this and never changed it so I am screwed. Now he is gone and no one asks me if my meds are adequate. But the hospital won’t see it that way. I always get stigmatized about it. And don’t get me started on the pain scale I have to fill out at every single dose. That pisses me off more than the fuck up. Then I got to pack appropriately, write out my medication list, and be sure I can carry all the stuff on the public transportation. Last time I brought a backpack and a carry on. I was in an AFO at the time, so it took some maneuvering to carry everything. My bags were full because I had to carry at least a book or two in addition to my journal. I also carried a notepad with me just in case writing hit me. It’s been almost a year and a half since my last hospitalization but I remember it as if it were yesterday. I don’t really care what becomes of my father’s medication if I do go in. It’s not that hard, really. My sisters could do it if they chose to.

Holy Fucking Cold

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Holy Fucking Cold

It’s freezing out today. I should have stayed home but I had to fix my father’s pills. Only reason I am doing it today rather than tomorrow is in case I needed to call a refill to his doc’s office. He was not in the mood to see me. He is still mad at me. I could care less. I did what I had to do, emptied his trash for him, and then left. I missed the bus because the elevator took forever to get to his floor. He doesn’t have the world’s fastest elevator but still. Four minutes wait plus the walk to the station and the bus was gone.

I felt unmotivated to do all that I did today but I got out of the house. I made coffee this morning but made the mistake of eating a banana. Coffee and bananas don’t mix, just to let you know. It left me with a sour stomach and I couldn’t finish my coffee.

I emailed my psychiatrist, again, to get a time for us to meet. She is finally back in the office. This is the last time I am emailing her for an appointment. She doesn’t respond, oh well. I really don’t care. I guess you can say I have the case of the fuck its. I weighed myself this morning and am down another two pounds. Don’t really know how that happened as I have been eating. Maybe I just haven’t been eating enough. Not that it matters. I still can lose like 70 lbs so what is two more? I guess the stress of not having to worry about losing is actually working now that I don’t have a PCP isn’t pressuring me every month. I have an appointment with my new PCP in a week and a half. I thought about canceling it because the dizziness is gone but I really want to meet her and at least know her face and she can know me. Despite losing this weight, I was still a little dizzy walking my usual route and got out of breath. I know I haven’t been out in a couple of days but being out of breath is not a good sign. I also felt a little racy heart wise. All I need is a cardiac condition. I am due for it. All the studies show that depression leads to cardiac problems. I will die if this happens or maybe I will wait for the big MI to kill me. Will save me some trouble.

My mood is still kind of suicidal. I just wish I was dead. I have no plans that I can act on. I have no impulse to do it, though this morning I thought of putting a plastic bag over my head than go to my father’s. I just feel really rotten and am terrified that the psychache is going to come back. I don’t know if I can handle that pain.

As much I really didn’t want to do it, I ordered Chinese food for dinner tonight. I think I deserve some decent food as my appetite is back, even though my mood sucks. I know I probably won’t eat half of it but that is the beauty of leftovers. I am trying a new place as my favorite place closed more than a year ago. I ordered from Grubhub because it’s easier than ordering on the phone. It’s so easy to just click and click, especially when you are hungry. I didn’t have lunch, but then I usually have a late lunch and dinner anyways.

3 March 2016

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

3 March 2016

Dear Bozo,

I have seriously thought about therapy the last few days. I feel like I am a burden to you and that you will be better off without me in your life. It’s my fault I have not gotten better. I should be able to fix myself but for whatever reason, I am unable to. You have been a good listener, but I can tell you are tired of hearing me talk these days. I probably talk about the same things and it annoys you.

I know I am a boring person. I live in a bubble that is surrounded by trauma every where I turn, whether it be due to external circumstances (e.g., my father) or internal ones (e.g., my pain). I joined a PTSD chat the other night. I didn’t talk much, just observed what the conversation was about. One day I hope to tell my story, in pieces, but I am scared it will be too triggering. I went off the other day on Twitter with CES stuff because of pain. I didn’t talk about my bowels or bladder, just that pain had controlled me and always gives me anxiety when it reaches a certain notch. It’s not all the time I have anxiety due to pain. But I am always on edge because I don’t know if pain is going to cause it or not, so I am anxious about being anxious.

I have been struggling with the need for therapy the past week. Our relationship has been different than the other relationships that I have had, in regards to therapy. One, it has lasted longer than the others and two, I never really thought about leaving even though I have said I wanted to. When we had this discussion a few months ago, it really terrified me to think I was really going to lose you. Since then, our relationship has changed. And I quite don’t know if it is for better or for worse.

You talk about your anxiety of dealing with me sometimes gets in the way of our talk. Maybe it is for the better that I leave you. I hate causing you pain.

My psych hasn’t returned the email about setting up an appointment. I am in an “I don’t care mood” so will not pursue her. I really don’t care. I am just a burden to her as well. I am just too “weak” right now to deal. I feel I am a failure and she is tired of my bullshit, too. I have read the emails that I wrote. And who cares that I have lost my appetite and a few pounds. No one cares. It isn’t like I am skinny and need the pounds. It’s not like me to have physical symptoms of depression. I am waiting for the heartache to set in and finish me off. I thought about hanging myself tonight. I was feeling that bad. But I don’t have a beam to do it, least not in my room. I just want to be dead. It’s good I don’t own a pistol. I would be dead three times over already. I just have my pills. Maybe a 60 day dose of my blood pressure pill will do the job.

I know talking about killing myself sets you into anxious mode. I am sorry. It’s just the way that I feel.