Category: Bipolar Disorder

just done

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I didn’t sleep well last night so I have been tired most of the day. I didn’t want to have coffee because I thought I would go out. But I didn’t. I had therapy and was exhausted so I just took a nap.

My therapist was in a talkative mood today. It annoyed me. Not even half way through session, I spoke up because she was just started talking about how I should be an editor. WTF does that have to do with my depression or that today is my CES anniversary day? I got so pissed off. Then when she finally shut up, I didn’t talk the rest of the session and I didn’t care. I was done. I told her I didn’t want to talk to her the rest of next week and she pulled the brakes on that idea. Maybe meeting twice a week is too much. Maybe I just need once a week. I just know this isn’t working out. Then she says we need to meet in person. Yea, lovely idea. How when I don’t have a stupid car? Like meeting in person is going to solve the problem. I am just done with her and therapy. I almost cried while we were talking. I don’t know why I wanted to cry. But she didn’t have a clue or a sense that I was ready to cry. She never has a clue.

I wanted to kill myself in the worst way today but I just decided to sleep. My day will be coming soon enough. I am just so damn done. I am done being in pain and dealing with an airhead therapist. Sadly, I don’t think I can find another therapist in my area. Most that I have tried to see end the conversation soon as they find out I have a suicidal past. So screw that. No one new wants to help me so be it. I think after 11 times is enough searching anyway. Course, having to go through 13 therapists are enough. I should have stopped at ten and ended my life. Thing is, I am not really that depressed, yet I want to kill myself. I really don’t think you need to be depressed in order to try and kill yourself. People think this but it’s not clear. I mean there are a lot of people who suffer from depression. Not all want to end their life. Some do. Some don’t. And what separates those that do from those that don’t? No one really knows.

I’m just done. I don’t have anymore fighting left in me. I don’t have any hope that things are going to get better. Both my ankles are starting to hurt and I am scared something is wrong with my Achilles in my right foot. I can’t deal with anymore pain.

Angry Rant and Rave

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Today was not a good fucking day. I have been getting spoilers about Bones, an episode I haven’t watched and so I decided to watch today. Except I couldn’t because my damn mother didn’t allow it to be recorded! She wasn’t home where I could yell at her. I seriously contemplated cancelling cable because I was so angry. What the hell am I paying for if I don’t watch my damn shows? They are in the evening most of the time and don’t interfere with my mother’s shows. But lately she has been watching TV later. Instead of changing TVs she just decided to change my channel and be done with it. I am so pissed and there is nothing I can do about it because the episode won’t air again till like December! By then I will know what had happened. Maybe I can watch the episode on Hulu or something. But I am damned pissed that my mother would do this.

Then I had therapy and I didn’t want to talk, at all. She didn’t understand why I was so upset. She didn’t understand the technology behind the recordings and such and I was too mad to explain it to her. During the session, I got two fucking phone calls. I was wicked annoyed because my phone NEVER rings unless I am on the phone with someone or I am literally away from my phone. Then we got on the subject of my father and that made me even more upset because the ding dong doesn’t understand that he has to take fucking three pills tonight and he only has two in his box. I tried explaining that he has to take another pill and got fucking no where. I was damned if I was going to make a trip over there to settle his pills. My therapist asked when do I get a vacation from my family. I don’t. Since being disabled, I am home the majority of the time so it’s easy to pawn things off on me. I don’t mind watching my niece every now and then because I know she isn’t going to be small that much longer. Pretty soon she will be going to school and to home on her own. These days of watching her will be over and I will be sad. But the other stuff, getting groceries when I don’t feel good and dealing with an immature father, I can do without.

One of my favorite DJs is now in the middle of my state. I tried getting him on an app today that he recommended but the stupid thing kept crashing. I gave up after the third try. I might uninstall and re-install but I am too annoyed right now to try it. It took nearly 10 minutes for it to install, over wifi. I don’t know why my internet is slow. Sometimes it’s fast and other times it’s slow as molasses. Probably would have been faster on my phone data.

I went to Starbucks today and had a new drink, a caramel mocha. It’s usually salted but I can do without the salt. It was pretty sweet so next time I might cut the pumps. I was still in a cranky mood when I got there so I just wrote in my journal. I wanted to catch the 1542 bus but I was writing so much I lost track of time. The 1607 bus never showed up so I had to wait for the 1630. I thought of complaining but I really wasn’t up for it. I had tweeted to the MBTA so much over the last few months they probably have me blocked by now. There is always a problem in the Square with the bus going home. It’s usually late most of the time. I don’t know if it is because it gets stuck on the turn around or what. Or the bus driver just screws off, not doing the route entirely. Either way, it’s annoying as hell because I never know when I am going to get home.

As I was aggravated in therapy, my therapist asked what my psychache was. I told her I didn’t know. She then asked if I filled out the questionnaire. Apparently she never got the memo that I stopped doing the questionnaires when I became disabled. Might have stopped before then but I don’t remember. I know my journals for the past three years have not included the scale. It’s hard to differentiate psychological pain when you are in physical pain every day. You just hurt.

writing continues

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Writing Continues

I woke up around 0630 and got to work right away. I worked on my story that I wrote up the other night. I finally typed it up and added to it as I did so. It felt good to be productive before having breakfast and coffee. I had my breakfast but I didn’t have cream so I walked up the street to get it. I was completely exhausted by the time I came back home. Mind you, I wasn’t gone for more than twenty minutes. I am glad I opted for going to going out rather than showering. My ankle is having a fit and a half for walking and going up and down stairs. I almost took a tumble yesterday and in balancing myself, I had to put my weight on my bad ankle. It hasn’t been the same since. But it’s not terribly swollen. It just hurts more.

I worked on my paper. It’s a little more than 500 words but there is plenty of room to work on it. I sent it to my psychiatrist but haven’t heard feedback on it. I am glad to work on something. After I typed it up, I just let it sit for a bit. Because it isn’t finished, I didn’t blog it. I am going to print it out and see how it looks and maybe go over it tomorrow after therapy. Course, it all depends on how my ankle is doing.

I have to go to the mall sometime this week to get some clothes for a wedding I will be attending in two weeks. None of my dress clothes fit me anymore because of the damn weight I have gained. I am going to try looking online first before actually going to the mall. I might have better luck finding my waist and a 29 length. Course if my ankle doesn’t calm the fuck down, there won’t be a wedding to go to.

I am so pissed right now. My fucking cousin called me because my mother had grocery bags. I told him I was busy and he just played it off. That is what pissed me off more than anything, like my writing is just playing. Sorry buddy, but it is my vocation, you jerk. I go down the second flight of stairs and my ankle acts up. I can’t put any weight on it. Fuck. I shouldn’t have answered the damn phone. Then my mother gets out of the car and is in fucking pain. She won’t get out of the way so my cousin can get the stupid bags he refuses to bring up the one flight of stairs. He doesn’t have any physical problems. He just is a lazy fucking bastard. My mother tells me she bought me yogurt. It’s the light and fit kind, which I do not like. So she just wasted her money. Three fucking bags the asshole couldn’t bring up the stairs. I am livid. He does this all the time. He knows I am on disability because of my ankle. Does he fucking care? No. He only cares if I have a few extra bucks in my pocket. Asshole. He really is. Next time I am not answering the damn phone. Fuck them. Now I have to take extra pain meds because I really am hurting. No way I will be able to take a shower tonight. Thank you fucking cousin for the extra pain you brought me.

My therapist hasn’t answered my text and it’s getting late so I doubt there will be a session today. I don’t fucking care anymore. I am too pissed to talk anyway. I might have to take an Ativan to calm down. My neck is killing me from the stress of being so angry and not having anyone to yell at. I think I need a nap. My mother is probably going to call soon as I get to the point of sleeping to see what I want for dinner. So screw that. Hope she doesn’t want me to make dinner because that is so not happening. I can barely fucking stand. I hope I don’t have to go to the bathroom because that will suck having to go back downstairs. I am not hungry anyways. If I get hungry later, I will try and make the French bread pizza. I haven’t had lunch but I am still full from my late breakfast and the coffee killed my appetite.

I hope my ankle is better by tomorrow. I need to get out of the fucking house and seriously focus on my writing. It fucking sucks that I get no support from my family, just my psychiatrist and therapist. How sad is that? Sure, my sisters are supportive. They never interrupt me while I am writing but then, they usually don’t call while I am as they work during the week.

Push 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Push

I have been in a Matchbox 20 mood for the past hour and this song keeps hitting every time it comes on. The lyrics just speak to me. I can’t describe it.

I was skimming the SPSM chat tonight. One of the tweeters tweeted an article that was for ESPN about a 19 year old that died by suicide and actually wrote how she died. I found the image disturbing and the article was a little glorifying the person’s death, which is why she had a problem with it. I couldn’t finish reading the article. After they said how she died and was struggling with college, I lost interest in what the rest of the article was about. All I could think about was my niece who is 19 and I am wondering if she is struggling with depression, too. She is at an expensive college and I wonder if that pressure is getting to her because she wants to live on her own. We have never talked about my illness but she knows that I struggle with depression and suicide as she has read my NY Times article. Least I think she knows. She is my protective factor. I am still around because I know my loss would devastate her.

Been looking at the new story that I wrote the other night. I don’t know if I should write more or type it up so I can see what it looks like. I know there is some repetition in it, so that has to come out. My fear is that I will type it up, it will be short, and I can’t continue to write. It will stop where ever it ended and that is it. The longer it sits on my bed, the longer it is hanging over my head. I was in a writing mood earlier but decided to check Twitter and got lost there. Damn you, Twitter!

When I placed my last grocery order, I ordered Red Baron’s deep dish pizza. I got Stouffer’s French bread instead. It’s comparable, but not the same. But I got a nice credit on my order so I was happy with that. If I had known I got Stouffer’s I would have given it back to the delivery guy, but he had already left. Pizza is my favorite food so I am not too disappointed. French bread is pretty good. I really would love to have Pizzeria Uno’s deep dish pizza. That I haven’t had in ages. I don’t even know where one is anymore. I know they sell it in the frozen food isle but mostly it’s pepperoni and I just want cheese. I am not one for toppings on my pizza. Plain old cheese is perfect. I will occasionally get pepperoni but it’s rare. If I order from Domino’s, it will be Hawaiian pizza on a cracker. That is my favorite. I haven’t had that pizza in a long time. I will get a Molten cake when I order it. It’s super yummy.

I texted my therapist to see if there was a way to see her tomorrow. Mondays are not her good days. But I am always hopeful she will have a cancellation. I wrote her a letter last night before I went to bed. I have no idea what I wrote. It was two pages long. I am debating making it a blog so she can read it or sending it to her via snail mail. I will have to get stamps as all I have are Harvey Milk ones and I am down to my last few. If I don’t talk with her tomorrow, I will have to wait till Tuesday. That will suck because I feel like talking with her about this weekend.