Category: blogging

daylight savings time mess

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Daylight savings time mess

I slept nearly every two hours the whole night. I gave up around 6 and had something to eat then tried again and was successful. I slept the whole day! I woke up slightly a few time, but I mostly stayed asleep until 1615. I took my pain meds and then went downstairs to make something to eat.

My brother in law got me rolls instead of hamburger buns. It was okay. I made the Manwich and it came out good. Now I have a quick meal the rest of the week. I decided to shower after I ate as my pain was still pretty low but creeping up. As I was in the shower for a few minutes, there was this awful noise and the pipes were vibrating. I moved this lever thing and that stopped the noise but by the end of the shower, I was losing water pressure. My mother and brother in law heard the noise. I told my mother what had happened and she said she would call the plumber tomorrow.

My foot was not a happy camper by the time I dried off and got dressed. I filled the pill box for the week and that made it more angry. I am going to put some diclofenac gel on it to see if that helps calm it down some. I really don’t want to take the strong pain pill unless I have to. I had to take 3 yesterday to control my pain. I don’t want to get constipated again. That was awful as with my nerve injury, it is very easy to get backed up. I also can’t take senna a few nights this week because I have appts.

I read Facebook and looks like another fricken storm is coming over the next few days. That would explain why I was hurting so bad yesterday. I am going to be hurting the next few days as the snow is going to start tomorrow and end fricken Wed! I hope I can see my psychiatrist Wed but it will depend on what the roads are like and how bad the snow is. If they call for a snow emergency, I might reschedule.

Sometime during my Painsomnia, I wrote about stuff I wanted to discuss with my PCP tomorrow. I see him in the morning so I hope the snow doesn’t start then. I canceled my appt with my therapist for the afternoon. It would be too much for me to have two appts in one day at different locations.

I read some of 1984 last night to try and distract from the pain. I really hope something like that doesn’t happen to the US due to Cheeto’s stupidity and paranoia. I heard he is still trying to campaign for 2020. Idiot doesn’t realize how stupid that is. He can barely manage this presidency! I might not be around then anyways. All decisions will be made by Friday. Just hope my pain is better by then.

Saturday of pain 10 Mar 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday of pain 10 Mar 18

Since I woke up this morning, my malleolus has been a 10/10 pain. I thought I was going to have a good day as for the first time in weeks, I slept through the night. I wanted to make a dirty gravy but that wasn’t happening as I could barely stand. I am going to try and just ground the beef and save it for tomorrow. I had asked my brother in law to get me some hamburger rolls but he didn’t go to the grocery store today as he was working. He said he would get them tomorrow. I wanted to make Manwich. Oh well.

I tried napping and not moving as much but that is impossible. Pain went down to about an 8, then moved to the front of my ankle. When it was time for my regular pain meds, I just took them and within minutes, that part of my ankle spiked. I cried. There was nothing else I could do. I can’t move. I tried listening to music but it just annoyed me. I wanted to watch the baseball game but it was delayed due to rain. I was going to turn it on when I got back to my room but I wanted to try and nap. I had taken an Ativan to try and calm down as I feel so much anxiety, like OMG what the hell can I do to get rid of this pain???!!! It is so overwhelming. I have had pain like this before but never this severe and for so long. It’s going on almost eight hours.

I had posted to my support group what my cooking plans were and that I wasn’t able to do it. They had no idea what a “dirty gravy” was so I had to explain. Then a few wanted the recipe so rather than make a long post, I just made a blog. It was all from memory though I think I said too much of the herbs. I usually just eyeball the stuff. I never measure as I have made it so many times. I think the more herbs are better anyway. I did give the option of using onion. Some people like it. I don’t, though now that I know I can buy diced onion, I might use it more.

I hope this pain is the after effects of the storm. Now my foot is acting up. I thought about using lidocaine or the diclofenac gel but I really don’t want to touch it. It is so fricken painful. I wish I could have my “normal” pain back but it’s been so long since I had it, I forgot what it felt like. I know my pain used to be a 3 and light throbbing. Now it’s a 6 with heavy throbbing. I can’t remember when it was below a 6. I can usually handle the pain at this level, but the bone pain has been something I have not been able to bear. Nothing seems to help it. I took some 800 mg of ibuprofen to see if that helps at all. It’s supposed to be good for bone pain, but I don’t know at the intensity that I am feeling it.

My mother is going to make hamburgers for dinner. I told her there was no way I could cook. I hurt too much to stand. Just standing for 6 mins for my frozen dinner was agony. She makes better burgers than I do anyway. Maybe I will make some tater tots. I can just throw them in the oven for twenty minutes. I don’t like when my mother makes them as she doesn’t cook them at the temperature on the directions nor for as long as they say. It’s like eating raw potatoes. My mother doesn’t like it when I make them crispy but I love crispy potatoes. It’s what makes them so good. I will sometimes have tater tots for dinner, just tots nothing else. Or hash browns. I love potatoes. I have been craving red potato salad, either with mayo or oil and vinegar, I don’t care. I just got to buy the potatoes. I’ll put that on my list of things to buy. Sucks when you can only get things once a month when that is when you get paid. With all this pain, I doubt I would be able to hold a job again, even if it was part time. I have no idea what I would do other than office work, as long as there wasn’t too much bending and lifting. I can’t really bend down to pick up stuff and I can’t lift anything greater than 10-15 lbs. because of my back issues. Sucks.

recipe: Dirty Gravy

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Recipe Dirty Gravy

There are variants of this and you can add stuff as always, like onions to the ground beef

For the sauce:

3-4 Cloves of garlic, chopped
2 tablespoons of oil or enough to coat the bottom of the pan
1 tsp black pepper (more if you like)
1-3 leaves of fresh basil (okay if not available)
2 tbsp dried basil
2 tbsp dried oregano
2 tbsp dried parsley
2 cans of 28 oz crushed tomatoes (I like Pastene brand)
1 tsp sugar (optional)

In large saucepan, coat the bottom of pan with oil as you chop the garlic. When oil is heated, throw in garlic and brown. Once brown, pour in the cans of tomatoes, one at a time. Then have 1 and ½ can of water (2 full if want less thick sauce). Bring to boil, add herbs, sugar, and seasoning. Let boil for a full 5 minutes then bring to a simmer. Cook on low heat for 2-3 hours, stirring occasionally so bottom doesn’t burn.

Ground beef (usually I cook a pound and a half) with just ground black pepper. You can add salt if you like. Once sauce is at the hour and half mark, throw in cooked ground beef that has been drained. Then serve with pasta of your choice once sauce is done.

Today’s blog is a pain rant that is nothing but crap

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I woke up in the middle of the night again, though I am not really sure why. I think my pain meds wore off and I woke up in pain but I don’t remember. I went back to sleep for a few hours until my med alarm went off. I took my BP med and then used the bathroom. I brushed my teeth and then went back to my room, where I almost fell asleep again. Luckily, I was able to shake off the sleepiness off enough to get dressed. My mother wanted me to throw the trash away and take the recycling down. I said I’d take one down and she said trash.

It was sunny out and the bus seemed to take forever. There was a kid that was very talkative to his or her mother. I don’t remember the sex of the child. I got to Starbucks and they didn’t have my favorite sandwich. I had to get one I didn’t like as much. I was feeling weird and didn’t know why. It was probably because I was late with my pain meds. I meant to take them but forgot.

I got to my appt. The new eye doc was okay. She wasn’t as friendly as my old one or as thorough. Even though there was a word I couldn’t make out with the different lenses, she didn’t take the time until I could read it. She said my vision changed a little and then gave me my new prescription. Whatever. I checked out some glasses. There wasn’t anything that really caught my eye. I found out my insurance will cover up to $150, so that was good. I will get my glasses there when my check comes in next.

Came home and my foot was smarting. I took my pain meds. I wasn’t wearing thick socks so my feet were freezing. It’s now several hours since I came home and my CRPS foot is still fricken cold despite wearing thermal socks. The pain has gotten steadily worse. By dinner I was limping again.

Hope tonight is not going to be another long night. I don’t think I can ever make up the sleep I have lost, even if I slept for weeks. I was talking to my friend in South Africa about the lack of pain care I have been receiving because of the stupid “epidemic”. He suggested that I emigrate somewhere that might be able to help me. I don’t know if I could leave the country. I have thought of going to Canada but that is only because of my fear of discrimination over being transgender. Canada is having their own problem with pain meds so I won’t be able to go there. A few of my Canadian friends are not being helped. I wish they would break down the damn overdoses to what they were exactly rather than lump them in a fucking opioid category. If heroin or fentanyl is what killed them, that is what the OD should say. Just pisses me off.