Category: blogging

CRPS Madness, painsomnia seems to rule

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, painsomnia, physical pain

I didn’t go to bed till 5 or thereafter. I had some cocoa pebbles and tried to sleep. I slept most of the morning, though my other phone kept ringing, waking me up. I turned it off. I think it lost battery now so I don’t have to worry about it. Soon as I was awake for about 5 mins, the pain that kept me up, returned. I had to go downstairs to use the bathroom and brush my teeth. It was torture but I got it done. I am not going to shower or change my sheets. I am too tired and hurt too much.

I really don’t know what to do anymore. I’m tempted to call my psych for some valium or sleeping pill. I really don’t want one though. I already take enough meds. I wish I was seeing my pcp this week. I know part of my pain is bad because of the storm that is coming tomorrow evening. It supposed to last 24 hours. Only supposed to get 8 inches of snow so I guess that is good if it holds true. It is the same kind of storm we got over the weekend but less intense, though coastal flooding is still a risk.

I must have wrote a message to my pcp as I found out the idiot fellow messed up my allergies in a big way. I don’t remember doing it. He said he fixed it. I fucking wish before leaving the office, they had you read what they wrote so any errors could be fixed right there and then rather than after the fact. Would be beneficial for all I think.

I hope I don’t have another flare tonight. I am hurting at a 8 right now. Last night was at least a 14. My new Moleskin notebooks came. Now I can write down my crazy pain, rate it, describe it, and note the time. It changes so much every few hours.

I didn’t realize I had 3 gaba pills left in the bottle. I thought I finished it the other night. I could have used it to help settle things down. I just took the pills a little while ago. I’m not going to stay up another night, least not tonight.

My flashlight and B vitamins came today. It is a small bottle so the pills must be tiny. It has 5000 mcg of B12, 800 mcg of folate, and 2 mg of B6. I just opened the bottle. They are instant dissolving and are cherry flavored. They taste ok. It is more like a pellet than a pill. And it is tiny. I hope it helps with my pain. B6 is for nerve function. Also hope it gives me energy. I won’t be able to put these guys in my pill box for the week so I’ll have to remember to take them every day. I’ll probably use another med alarm.

I had a frozen dinner, spaghetti and meatballs. For some reason, it is not sitting well in my stomach. I don’t know why. I’ve had it before and it never caused any problem. It is the only thing I’ve had since waking up, besides a slice of coffee cake. My mother has been eating it on me. Silly woman. It is good though.

I wish I could take a shower. I feel so crappy. I just know I will risk a flare if I do. Not worth the risk. I’ll be taking my night meds soon. Just hope I sleep through the night.

Monday’s activities

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Monday’s activities

I stupidly left the med alarm at like 6 am which scared the shit out of me so bad that I didn’t even take my BP pill. I just shut it off and then went back to sleep until my alarm went off. I slept through the night, for the most part. I wasn’t in pain, least not in my ankle or foot. My back was bothering me though because it had snowed this morning. My alarm went off around 0920. For the first time, the Bixby news thing worked. It gave me the news which was all about Cheeto’s dealings. UGH, not what I wanted to hear first thing in the morning. I’ll be turning that feature off. I dreaded getting out of bed. I wanted to make breakfast though, so I needed to. I know I could get something at Starbucks when I left later, but I wanted to use up the bacon I opened the other day before it went bad. I originally wanted to wash and change my bedding but that wasn’t happening with my back being sore. I thought about using the tennis ball to massage it out but never did. I figure I would take off the blankets and wash them when I came home. I’ll change the sheets tomorrow.

I made my breakfast and there was time to catch the bus for espresso so I went upstairs to get dressed. My mother called as I was changing wanting me to look up some vinyl siding guys as one of the panels blew off in the storm. I told her I would do it when I came home as my sister still had my laptop. I just used my phone to write up yesterday’s blog. I had a slight headache so took some Exedrin and ibuprofen. Then caught the bus and went to Starbucks.

I got my espresso and pulled out my notebooks. I should have just took out my journal as I was too cloudy to write a story or continue writing with what I had written so far. The sun poked out finally. I guess it wasn’t going to snow anymore. The snow from this morning was already gone but it was still cloudy when I left the house. I thought there was going to be a storm tonight but they have moved it to Wednesday night into Thursday afternoon/evening. We are supposed to get 8 inches. Lovely. I played with my phone and wrote in my journal until it was time to leave for therapy.

I talked with my therapist about this weekend. He played with his nails. I was kind of hyper when I first started talking then slowly lost steam. The brain fog had returned. The last few minutes I was telling him how today was the anniversary of the first time I attempted suicide. Twenty-seven years ago today my father called me a liar and I snapped. I couldn’t take the fights anymore between my parents and the name calling and everything else, really. I would find out just how bad my father would be the following night. I still remember like it was yesterday. My father fell from the pedestal I had him on and he never reclaimed it. Also weird to realize that I have been trying to end my life for 27 years yet I am still here. As suicidal as I have been, I haven’t really attempted to go through with my thoughts in years. So long, I don’t even remember the last time I did attempt.

I told my therapist that I was going to end it if my doctors didn’t do something for my pain. He said that I was angry. Yeah, I have anger toward idiots in the medical profession who want to help people but don’t do a damn thing to actually help. Like why spend thousands of dollars for med school if you don’t care? I don’t get it.

My new favorite country artist Cam posted on either twitter or Instagram about her first number 1 called burning house. I bought it today. I would have bought the album but I’m kind of short on funds. It’s a cool song. Her latest hit, Diane, is my favorite. Just watching the video I fell in love with her. Sadly, she is too young for me and married. But I can admire her from a distance. She is very pretty with her curly blonde hair. I’m starting to think I have a thing for blondes and red heads as most of the women I like have those kinds of hair. I’ll find my love one day, maybe.

Saturday Blog 3 Mar 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 3 Mar 18

I’ve had a crazy, painful day. I was up till about 3 and then woke up whenever my med alarm went off, took my BP pill, and went back to sleep for about another 2 hours. I made breakfast and was feeling down and blah. I had sent my psychiatrist an email telling her how much despair I was feeling because pain was interfering with my sleep so much lately. I was so tired of being turned down by doctors to help treat my pain, including my own PCP. I haven’t received a response. I also sent my friend an email, though I don’t recall what it was about. I just called it “just venting”. I haven’t read her response yet. I had made coffee after I made my breakfast and as I was drinking it, I wrote this on Facebook:

I hope that my posting pics of making this or that doesn’t negatively affect me in some way. Don’t get me wrong, as much as I love to cook, it comes with a price. Last night making the ribs and tots cost me some serious pain. I didn’t get to sleep till 3 am. I am grumpy today and my mother wants me to go to Market Basket for some cheese cuz today is the last day of the sale. I’ll be going by bus, which is gonna cost me some spoons. I still need to shower as it has been almost a week. People with chronic illness have to take each activity slowly. Making breakfast might cost me that shower. Going to the grocery store might cause me to lose sleep again. It is a guessing game with this blasted chronic pain. It takes it toll. Last night I was swimming with despair and emailed my psychiatrist some choices need to be made. If not, well, I might not be anymore. I’ve had enough.
I’m going to drink my well made Starbucks coffee and ponder things. Just hope the little activity I’ve done so far can let me shower. 4 spoons left…

I took the shower and did okay. The laundry hamper was getting full so I decided to have my jeans washed. I went upstairs to change so I could catch the 1245 bus. I found a pair of Khaki jeans that I haven’t worn in quite some time. I kind of forgot about them as they were in my clean clothes pile, lying at the bottom. I thought they were shorts until I pulled them out. Then I remembered why I haven’t worn them in a while. The waist was tight. I am sure the cookies I had with my coffee did me no favors. I put things in the pockets and put some pain pills in my pocket pill container. I had run out on Wednesday when I went out last. I meant to put some more in but forgot, which sucked when I flared at my psychiatrist’s office.

I went to the bus stop and waited. And waited. And waited some more. The bus never came and I froze as it was still windy and cold. I caught another bus to where I had to catch the bus I needed for the grocery store. I thought I missed it, but it was late. Thank god. I didn’t want to wait another half hour in the cold. The grocery store was kind of typical. Crowded for a Saturday, which is usual. I wanted to get the produce my mother wanted but they had all the registers open and I couldn’t sneak by, which meant I had to go around. So I grabbed the cheese my sister wanted and then went to deli for the cheese my mother wanted. I stood longer than I should have because I had a new guy. I don’t know if he was being trained or what as the other two people working there were telling him what to do. I got what I needed then went to produce. I had a hard time knowing where things were. I finally found where the spinach and green beans were then went to the lines. I got in the express lane as I only had a few items. The total went to $65 and I was like what? The cashier was like what was $33 dollars, and I told him nothing should be that much. He showed me the description and the new deli person was charging me $33 for a quarter pound of salami! WTF!! I told him I didn’t want it because I didn’t want to go back to the deli. I just wanted out of the store. My back and ankle were murderous.

As this was the first time going to this grocery store by T, I didn’t know where the bus stop was. I quickly scanned when I crossed the street and found it. When I got there, I checked the bus schedule and one was leaving the station soon. I was going to go back to my original destination when my sister called me when I was near the Square. She said she would pick me up because she needed the cheese now. Okay! Came home and told her the story of the salami. She couldn’t believe it. I told my mother and she laughed. She asked if I did get her the salami and I said no, I didn’t want to go back to the deli. My sister was almost done cooking the lasagna. I was glad because I was cooked! I was so tired and in pain. I really didn’t want to go back down stairs but I was hungry as I didn’t have lunch.

I just came back to my room now. I was chatting with my sisters and my niece. It was a pleasant meal, even though I was in pain. I found out my sister loves Ed Sheeran. She was playing some of his music and she was like don’t you know his music. There is only 2 songs of his that I like, 3 if you count his current song, Pleasant Symphony, which I had her turn off because it was going to make me cry. His voice is just amazing.

Win update and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Win update and other things

My mother needed me to print off the email from Sears so she could have an itemized receipt of what she bought. I printed it out and when I got back on my bed, stupid thing popped up saying Windows 10 needed a security update and needed 8GB of space, minimum. Last time there was an update, I had to use my thumb drive to download and install it. This damn thing doesn’t give me the option and there is no way to minimize the fucker. I am not in the fucking mood to be dealing with this today. My pain is unreal because I made dinner for my mother, niece, and I tonight. Just one hour of cooking did me in. The cold rain and wind I am sure is not helping. Not that I felt great to begin with.

Last night, my leg was hurting so I massaged it. It felt really tight and swollen. Lovely! I meant to call my doc today but I woke up late because I didn’t sleep, again, through the night. Also didn’t help that I was a dumbbell and forgot to change the med reminder alarm to something other than 5 fucking AM. Scared the shit out of me! I will call on Monday, though I will doubt I will be able to see the twerp that is my PCP. I’ll probably see one of his associates.

I had my haircut done on Wednesday before I saw my psychiatrist. I woke up this morning and wanted to shave my head because it grew in and I wanted that close feel. I probably would have if my damn ankle wasn’t hurting so bad. It would have given me a reason to shower, though it has been more than a couple days since I have. I am getting bad at showering again. I can’t help it. It hurts to stand right now and I can’t shower sitting. Maybe if I had an enclosed shower stall or something. My previous house had one with a door. We have have a curtain and a some what high ceiling. Knowing me, I would get the water everywhere but on myself. Even when I am washing dishes, spoons especially, I get water every where. It’s like I take a bath along with the dishes. My mother tells me to move the head of the faucet inward but I forget or if I do, then water goes on the splash guard. I am terrible. Maybe tomorrow, if I wake up early (i.e., before 1 pm), I will take it first thing. I had wanted to make breakfast but it was past lunch when I got up. Oh well. Bacon is still going to be there tomorrow.

I wanted to write about CRPS for Rare Disease Awareness but I am having trouble with it. My brain is just not to focused. I’d have to research it a little more, even though I have it, I don’t have a typical presentation of it. I mostly just have pain that is unexplained, except when you look at my bone scans. That is what it took for me to finally get diagnosed as I have bone changes. Not everyone is that lucky. If I am up early tomorrow, I will try and write something for it. I think it is important to spread awareness about it.