Category: blogging

same shit different cold bleak day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Same shit different cold bleak day

I woke up around 6 and didn’t feel well. My back and ankle were hurting pretty bad. I took some meds and played with my phone. It was too early to go anywhere and I didn’t want to spend all day at Starbucks. My psych had moved the appt up to noon. It was raining out and windy. Jose was blearing. I went to lie down for a few hours before I had to catch the bus. That is when my back gave out and I just said fuck it, I’m not leaving the house. I emailed my psych and canceled the appt.

I’ve been sleeping on and off all day. My mother called around supper time but she made something I didn’t like and then got mad that I wasn’t going to eat it. Whatever. I didn’t want to move. I hadn’t eaten anything all day. I really wasn’t hungry. My mood was in the abyss and I didn’t care if it stayed there or not. I thought about killing myself at least a hundred times. Thing was, I couldn’t move too good with my back hurting so trying to end it today just wasn’t going to happen. That just made me more depressed.

I must have chewed the inside of my cheek while sleeping because it’s really sore. I’m feeling kind of irritable. My mood just sucks. I feel like I am on a lethal path. I just want to sleep.

random 110

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 110

I didn’t sleep again last night. I wrote my psychiatrist just how I was feeling and didn’t hold anything back. I didn’t say out right I was going to do anything but that I really wanted to. I was in such rough shape that I was seriously thinking of hacking my foot with a knife. Luckily, sleep overcame me before I did something.

Since I got up, I’ve been having cobwebs in my head. I just can’t think straight. Last night before I went off to sleep, I was thinking about writing something about zero suicide. I probably would have wrote something half assed. I kept on getting ideas of what I wanted to say but I just couldn’t get my notebook out to write it down. I knew if I turned on my laptop, I would be up for the night and I didn’t want that. I tweeted my friend about it and he would like to read it before I posted it. I thought that was reasonable.

I still haven’t written anything. I don’t think it is going to be today that I write it.

That’s all I got for today. My brain just can’t think anymore. Until tomorrow friends.

a night of no sleep but baked during the day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A night of no sleep but baked during the day
I didn’t go to sleep till around 6 or 7 am. Pain was keeping me up. Different parts of my foot kept acting up. It was making me very restless. Around 0500, I was contemplating calling my psych because I didn’t know what else to do. I had taken all the meds I could take, with no relief. I finally took another Ativan and that seemed to settle me down along with exhaustion.

I slept until my med alarm went off around 1130. An hour later, my mother called wanting me to help her with something. She was making chicken soup and needed help with preparation of the vegetables and stuff. I had to help load the pan on the stove as her legs were bothering her so much she couldn’t lift it. I kept having to go downstairs to get somethings from my sister’s apartment that we didn’t have.

I then decided to shred the zucchini for the bread. I would start making it when my mother was done with the soup to let it cook. I made coffee while she was putting stuff in the soup and helped her with making the meatballs. I haven’t rolled meatballs since I was a kid. It was fun.

After that was done, I started preparing my baking. I got out the stuff I needed and went to work. I tried not to make a mess but I did. It was really muggy in the kitchen so when my mother left to watch TV in the other room, I opened the back door to let the cool air in. I baked the bread at the modified temp and cooked it longer than what the recipe called for. It was the second time making this so I knew what to expect.

My ankle was hurting and I needed to take my pain meds so I went up to my room. I still had a half hour before the bread was done. I need to take a shower as I got flour all over my shirt. I’ll do that before I go to bed tonight. Maybe it will help me sleep better. The bread was done and I let it cool. As it did so, I started washing the things in the sink. My back did not like that at all. The cool rainy weather is wreaking havoc on my spine. It’s supposed to be like this for another day. I am hurting big time and it’s not even 1900 yet. I just hope I don’t have a long night ahead of me. It will suck big time.

rainy shitty day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Rainy shitty day

It’s been raining off and on most of the day. My back has been a casualty of it. My lower back has been hurting most of the day. Despite this, I took a shower and made pancakes and coffee. I got really sleepy after I ate so I took a nap. It was a good nap and for the first time in months, I felt refreshed.

My mother had already made herself dinner. I heard her call me but I didn’t answer as I was so sleepy. I really didn’t want cheeseburgers for dinner anyway. I think I might make the frozen dinner that I have. I don’t want to cook again because I don’t want to hurt more than I am right now. As is usually the case, my ankle pain has settled down since my back is flaring. The hard part is sitting and standing. I can’t stand straight because it hurts too much.

The physical therapy office called while I was napping. I was very annoyed that the app that I use for voicemail has ads with sound in it. I could barely hear the lady talk as there was some kind of casino game playing. Usually the ads are silent. I hate the app. I much rather call into my voicemail using my phone. But Sprint no longer has that option with the new phones. Just annoys me. When I call tomorrow, I am going to see if I can see a PT that has experience with nerve related injury. Otherwise, there will be no point in seeing the therapist. I don’t have a normal ankle injury that will respond to normal physical therapy. I tried that and it hurt too much. I honestly don’t know what they can do but I will find out. The good thing is that they are down the street from me. I just need to take the bus. It kind of sucks because I can be early or late depending on the bus’s schedule. I rather be early so I can have time to prepare and just chill while waiting. I am surprised they called me right away. My PCP’s office faxed them this morning.

I honestly don’t know what PT is going to do as my ankle doesn’t go out on command. I am going to see what I can do to get around the house better when it does. Thing is, the prescription isn’t written to reflect that. It states that I need strength and conditioning exercises, which will only hurt not help me. I really wish I had a PCP that actually listened to what the patient wants rather than what he thinks they need.

Last night, I checked the balance on one of my old credit cards that I am paying off slowly. One more payment and I will be paid in full. I have been chipping at it slowly with each pay period and got done before the allotted time by a few months. I’m proud of myself for doing that. Now I just got to work on my other bills on my credit report to try and improve.

I was in no shape to bake today. I will try tomorrow if my back isn’t bothering me. It takes a little time preparing because you need to shred the zucchini. I’m still not sure if I am going to use baking powder rather than soda. I’ll ask my niece who bakes a lot and see what she thinks. She liked it last time so I want to stick with the recipe.