Category: blogging

Exhausting, painful, and depressing day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Exhausting, painful, and depressing day

I did not want to get out of bed today but I knew that if I didn’t, I’d get slapped with a $190 charge from my therapist for not canceling within 24 hours. It was an incentive to get up, but not enough of one to shower. I did brush my teeth.

I felt like I was walking in mud most of the day, soon as I left my house. I was just really tired. My legs felt heavy, like I couldn’t move them. My ankle was fine until I got to my therapist’s office building. Then it felt like it was being torn apart. I can’t stand when my depression is like this. I am going to ask my psych if I can increase the Zoloft to 200 mg/day. It might break some of this stuff.

The weather is awful. It was muggy when I came home and then the temp dropped so it is freezing now. I had to shut off the AC. Only thing I had to eat today was a pumpkin scone, a bite of a brownie, and some microwavable mac and cheese. I am not too hungry. I just want to sleep. I am in a lot of pain and the night is still young. I’m not sure I am going to sleep.

While I was at Starbucks, it started raining. I was trying to write in my journal but it was difficult. I couldn’t really concentrate on writing so mostly just listened to my music and twittled with my phone. I think I am going to avoid Twitter over the next few days because the Senate is proposing a bill to cut Medicaid and that is all people are talking about. Call your senators. I’m so tired of seeing this every few months. And if I am, I am sure that other people are as well. It sucks that the public has to tell their elected senators to do the right thing. Dispicable.

As I couldn’t write in my journal, I decided to get some zucchini so I could make my zucchini bread. I know it won’t be tomorrow as I am in too much pain and I doubt I will sleep. I’ll probably make it either Wed or Thursday. After I got the zucchini, I just went to the train station where it was warmer than Starbucks.

Therapy went ok. Guy is still picking his nails as he talks to me. We talked about how my depression can be so heavy at times that it’s overwhelming. I also told him I wanted to give up. He didn’t say anything. I’m starting to think this therapy is just whatever I want it to be about without any therapy happening. I just talk with no structure at all. I get more from talking to my psychiatrist for 20 minutes.

I got to get my blood drawn this week. I think I will get it done on Friday when I have to be at the hospital anyway to see my psych. Results won’t be done until later that day but as long as I have them in, that is all that matters. The hard part will be fasting because I tend to drink PowerAde with my meds, especially at night. Guess I will have to drink water if I need my meds.

The top of my foot is screaming. I already took a strong pain pill and can’t take my regular meds for another hour. Maybe I’ll use some lidocaine. I know I am going to be hurting at least the next three days because a hurricane is coming up this way. It’s mostly going to be on the coast where it will be worst, but we’ll have rain. My back is already aching. I honestly don’t know how I am going to make the zucchini bread when I know I am going to be in a lot of pain. Even if I am having a low pain day, I could still flare up from baking. Least I will have something chocolate when I want it.

Pain continues

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental disorders, mood disorders

I have been sleeping on and off all day. Pain has continued. My ankle hurts so bad. I just want to scream. 

Had a series of bad dreams, each one worse than the other. I don’t want to be anymore. I honestly can’t see myself in this much pain much longer.

I have therapy tomorrow. I really don’t want to go. But it is too late now to cancel. I didn’t get any baking done. I did fill my pill boxes up for the week. Now I can try and sleep until I have to take them.

Foot Pain, Ankle Pain, Psychache, when will it end?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality, transgender

I feel asleep around 2100 only yo wake up 3.5 hours later. I had to use the bathroom. While I was there, I figured I might as well brush my teeth. My foot started hurting so I rushed.

I went back to my room and couldn’t settle down. It’s starting to be a never ending story of pain. Now my heart is breaking and I don’t know why. I should feel better now that I know my mother knows I am a man. I thought that would take away some of the depression but it hasn’t. I still feel hopeless.

I wrote a tweet and someone flagged it on FB. I got a message asking if I needed help or someone to talk to. The report is anonymous so I have no idea who reported me. I’m just glad no cops showed up at my door. 

I’m so tired of this crap. I’m sick of being in pain all the time. I wanted to make cookies and instead, I slept all day. I might do it later today. I love the cookies.  My niece wants me to frost them so I might so that. I think they taste better without the frosting. But, I can only make the cookies if my pain is down and it shows no sign of that happening. 

I never bought the zucchini. Maybe I will Monday when I am out. I really want to make the zucchini bread. I really like it and it is easy to make. One of my friends posted a recipe for dark chocolate molasses cookies but you need brown rice flour. I’m not sure where I can find that. I also need to buy molasses. Maybe the next time I am in the Square, I’ll look in the grocery store there. They have some organic stuff and might carry the rice flour.

I don’t know why I feel so much psychache. I guess it may be due to my friend not really loving me like she says she does. I’ve known this for a while now. I’ll go for days without hearing from her and then she will be in some crisis or another, needing to talk to me, usually late at night when I want to sleep. It just annoys me that the only time I hear from her is when she is feeling bad, like I don’t exist until she feels she needs me. I just learned to distance myself from her.

I had texted my therapist about the news about telling my mother that I am transgender. He responded. He is glad I did so. I also texted my former therapist and she never did. I don’t think she will. I emailed my psych and she didn’t respond either. I see her this coming Friday so I’m sure we will talk then. I should be feeling elated that my mother knows but I still feel like shit. I think the pain of my ankle/Foot is just bringing me down so much that I can’t feel anything else but misery. 

Not sure if I mentioned it but I have decided that Oct 10th I’ll be changing my name, legally. It will cost me around $200. I’m going to make sure I get enough extra paperwork so I don’t have to go back to the courthouse. I’m not sure how many I will need to change my name on various things. I’m excited and scared about taking this step in my transition. But none of that will matter if my pain causes me to end my life. 

It is a constant battle trying to keep myself here. It is a roller coaster of emotion all the time, from feeling deep despair and suicidal one minute to feeling ok the next. I know one day I will end my life. I just don’t know when that will be, sooner or later.

don’t give a fuck Saturday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Don’t give a fuck Saturday

I woke up around 11 or so. I needed coffee. I had a late night listening to the ball game as they went into extra innings. We won 13-6 in the 15th. I went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth. Then I made coffee. I had a pop tart with it and then went up to my room. By the time I got to my room, my ankle flared up. I got really depressed. I took some pain meds and waited for them to work.

I decided to read for a bit hoping that would distract me from my pain. I finished my coffee and brought my cup downstairs. I ate some turkey breast and then decided to take a nap. My ankle wasn’t having none of it. I really wanted to die at this point. I couldn’t take anymore pain meds as I just took them. It was a gnawing type of pain all around my ankle bone. I posted some things on Facebook and took an Ativan. Then I put some lidocaine on my ankle, which the bone was tender to the touch. I then forced myself to lie down and try and sleep. I put the AC on energy saver so I wouldn’t freeze my ass off.

I just didn’t care anymore. My Buckeyes were playing and I could care less. My Huskers were too. Sox are playing now. I just want to sleep. I am tired of being in pain. Tired of being.