Category: cauda equina syndrome

Cramping and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Cramps and other things

Last night, I fell asleep sometime after the 7th inning of the Cubs/Mets game. Mets won and will be going to the World Series!!! Baseball season is still going on and as long as it is, I will be paying attention. I fell asleep before the game was over. It was a blow out anyways and I didn’t think the Cubs were going to come back. Unfortunately, I must have moved my ankle the wrong way while I was sleeping because it cramped up pretty good. I couldn’t get it to straighten out without manually pushing it. I hate when I get cramps like that. It’s around 0415 when it started. I am glad it went away but now I can’t sleep. I took my pain meds and some Ativan in case the cramps come back. My ankle is really hurting from being contorted so I am hoping the pain meds help.

I was reading my Twitterline last night and a family doctor that I follow tweeted about a study of back pain and narcotics, saying that it wasn’t any good. I didn’t read the article because I knew it would upset me. I have heard over the years that the pain med I take is not good for acute pain, just chronic pain. Now I have this article and I don’t know what to think. I just know that if I was given pain meds when I first hurt my back, I might have avoided seeing a chiropractor and not ended up with cauda equina syndrome! I might have ended up with it the second time, anyway as I certainly wasn’t seeing a chiropractor then. If you have herniated discs, I encourage you NOT to see a chiropractor. I am not writing off the whole profession, just be wise that not all of them care about your spine and will want to keep you as a patient for as long as possible. I was helped before I got injured but then after I got injured, I wrote them off because I had herniated discs or slipped discs. Any spinal manipulation can cause CES if you have herniated discs. And don’t get me started on epidural injections. Those are just a money maker for doctors and have no real benefit for YOU. There is a 50% chance you might be helped and a chance you could get worse symptoms. I have scar tissue on my back (four back surgeries will do that) and in my nerves so I will NEVER get a shot in the back, no matter how enticing the doc may be.

I think the Mets and the Blue Jays are going to be in the Series. I could be wrong. Jays are facing a won game elimination so they really need to come back if they are to play. I really don’t want to the Royals to win.

My old laptop battery is dead. It cannot be revived. I luckily found one that was cheaper than $50 at Office Depot on Amazon.com. I love Amazon, I can get practically anything there. I always make sure that I go over $35 so I get free shipping. This order, I am ordering a bunch of baseball movies. I don’t know if I will be able to play them on my laptop as the screen is messed up, I might have to wait. But I got the classics like Sandlot, Major League and a League of her own. I wanted Bull Durham but it’s out of stock right now. I figured the movies might help my baseball depression, though it’s slowly moving toward my regular depressive state. I keep having thoughts of ending my life. I imagine doing something that takes my life away and then my niece finds me. It is unsettling because I don’t want her to be the one that finds me. It will be too traumatic for her. Not to say it will be any easier on another person, but a little kid would be too much.

One of the authors that I follow on Facebook posted pictures of this new writing space. I wish I could clear my room so I can get to my desk and then clear off my desk so I can have a space to write. Maybe it will be better than writing from my bed all the time. It might help me mentally not to have all that junk on my desk. I know most of it are my disability papers and old invoices and such. I haven’t touched them in more than two years so I think it’s safe to junk them. My author friend had his laptop and an old typewriter, but no paper. I found this odd. How are you supposed to type if you have no paper? It was very tidy, which kind of unnerved me. I am not a neat freak. I can’t stand things in proper places. I like clutter, but not too much. Unfortunately, I have a ton of clutter and can’t get out from underneath it. I have a bunch of my clothes in a box right now because I just can’t get to my closet because of stuff. It may sound strange but the clutter makes me feel more grounded and packed in. I like it even though it drives my family members crazy. Sometimes it does annoy me, especially when I am looking for something and can’t remember where it is.

Meds are kicking in now. I hope I wake up in time to make pancakes. I am addicted to oatmeal pancakes. They are my favorite food right now. It will be a good hearty breakfast. Until later.

Organization and Sleep Loss

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Having a hard time sleeping. My family members and my bowels had me do the stairs repeatedly the last few hours. I am hurting big time. I think I might have to go to the bathroom again as my bladder is sending me weird signals. I went an hour ago so I don’t understand why I would have to go again as I didn’t drink anything except a sip of water to take some pills. It is so frustrating living with Cauda Equina syndrome when your body functions are dictated by guesswork. I think the Imodium has settled the gas and loose stool that I had been having. Don’t know the cause of that. I think it might have been the milk that I had earlier tonight. Sometimes milk causes me to be intolerant. I don’t know why as I can drink a latte fine, hot or cold. Just doesn’t make sense to me.

I did some research into the suicide stuff I learned today. One of the articles that looked promising was just a trial protocol that didn’t have any information on it. That got tossed in the trash. The other article was about evidence based practice that helps suicide prevention. I haven’t read it yet as I was discouraged from the other article/protocol that I read. The slightest things have been bringing me down today. I did see another article from Jobes on CAMS and inpatient treatment. I will read that later. I need to print it out and I don’t want more stuff on my bed as I am trying to clear it off. I was able to clear one corner of my bed. Now I just have to throw my clothes some where. Maybe I will throw them in a hamper and I won’t see them till next summer (they are summer clothes).

I was going through today’s tweets about the suicide summit and found an interesting article about suicide and vitamin D and a protein called hCAP18. I got very excited as I haven’t seen that molecule since my research days. Unfortunately, the slide didn’t say very much and I really would love to know the specifics and how they tested it and where. The slide also said vitamin D receptors so now I am really curious about this article. I tried Googling it, but got no where. I don’t think it’s in print yet. But I want to talk to the guy and see if he can share more information about it. I tweeted the person to see if he has an email or Twitter account that I can contact him.

All this research and I became awake. I also was looking for therapists in my area. I wish suicide was an area where people were focused on but nope, not a category. Some of them didn’t even have mood disorders as an area of specialization, which I thought was odd. Most people that seek out therapists are going to be depressed or have anxiety issues of some kind. I hope that I don’t have to call someone. I am hoping my therapist reads her letter before our appointment. I will be disappointed if she doesn’t have time to read it. I’ll also be really sad because it will just mean that our time has come to an end. I can’t keep playing these “games” anymore. I just can’t. I am tired of struggling with a therapist that is becoming more and more like an airhead or just playing stupid.

While going through my files, I realized I didn’t back up everything like I thought I did. I have a lot of files that need to go on my thumb drive. It sucks because I don’t have the motivation to do it. It won’t take long, but I need to make a new folder and figure out where I am going to place the folder in my old files so that it’s all together. I still need to type up a bibliography of the folder I am collecting for the hard copies of these files so I know where they are. It’s work and I know I have time to do it. It is tedious and I just don’t want to do it. But it needs to be done so I don’t go crazy looking for the damn thing when I do need it. I have hard copy files all over the place. In my room and office. They need a central home where I don’t have to look in three different places to find them. I should organize all my CAMS articles in one place so it’s easier. One day I will do this. Not now at 0100 when I need to sleep.

While I was having bowel issues, I was thinking about how I would kill myself if I crapped my pants again. I have loose stool so it is a possibility. I just can’t go through the humiliation, again. I am already feeling like a loser because of what happened the other day. I wanted to go out today but I have a feeling my ankle is not going to allow it. I might be able to get to Walgreens and pick up my meds, but that will be the only trip. I doubt I can go to Starbucks. The buses are running on a normal schedule despite it being a holiday (Columbus day in the US).

Yesterday was “National Coming Out Day”. And I didn’t come out. I figured why bother. Both of my sisters know I am transgendered yet still call me their sister, instead of brother. There is no way I can tell my mother. I still fear her throwing me out of the house, or her not believing me. That will hurt worse than being kicked out of the house. I just hate myself big time every time I think about it. So I try not to think about it. Then I think, why isn’t there a national coming out day for heterosexuals? That is what bothers me. People just assume you are straight unless proven otherwise. It sickens me. I remember not too long ago there was suicide hotline that was just for trans people and some idiot got all high and mighty saying it wasn’t needed because we were all people. Really? You think it’s easy coming to terms that you are a male trapped in a female’s body or vice versa? Fuck you, you have no idea what the hell you are talking about. Sometimes when you are suicidal you need someone that knows that you are going through to help you through what crisis. Not someone that is straight and has no fucking clue. Because empathizing just isn’t going to be enough when you are dealing with someone’s life.

Having a Crappy Day, Literally

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Having a Crappy Day, Literally

I woke up early this morning in pain. I took some pain meds and when I went downstairs to have my nutritious donuts, my brother in law came up with some dishes to be washed. He and my sister are renovating their kitchen and don’t have a sink to use right now. He told me my mother would be watching my niece as she didn’t have school today. Weird because they don’t have school on Monday either because of the holiday. So the kids have one long weekend. Anyways, my mother wasn’t up yet so I said I would watch her until her grandmother came and got her. While I got settled in the kitchen debating on making a burrito, my mother came downstairs and so freed me from having to babysit. HA! I knew I would be toast anyways as I took my pain meds and within an hour, I was. I didn’t sleep very good as I had weird dreams and then my mother screamed my name and scared me to death. Someone was at the door and she couldn’t go down because she hurt her other knee. So I get up and go down the two flights of stairs to someone that isn’t there. My niece had answered the door. Why the fuck she didn’t tell my mother she did is beyond me. I was so pissed I got up for nothing. So I go back up the two flights of stairs and my ankle decides it doesn’t like it so I am in pain again. I take another pain pill and go back to sleep.

I got up around noon or shortly there after. I had to go to the bathroom so I did. And then killed some time before getting dressed and catching the bus to the Square for coffee. I was planning to check out the price of chicken wings so I can make them tomorrow night or Sunday. I got to the Square and did my routine of having coffee and writing in my journal. I then went to the meat shop to check on the price of chicken wings. They only had small packages. I would need at least three or four to make the quantity I needed for the recipe and I didn’t want to spend that much on it so headed back to the bus stop to catch the bus. I then decided to go to Stop and Shop to pick up my prescription and get the rest of the ingredients needed for the recipe. Soon as I was approaching my stop to get off, it downpoured. So I didn’t want to walk in the rain as I didn’t have an umbrella. I knew it was going to rain today but thought I could beat it out. I was so close. So no chicken wings today. I will have to go tomorrow if the weather permits or if my sister or brother in law takes me. I would take either of their cars but I can’t drive them. They are big SUVs and I just don’t trust my peripheral vision to drive them.

So rather than wait in the rain for the next bus, I got off at the station to go home. I didn’t think anything was wrong. I got stuck in the down pour at the station and got pretty wet. Luckily, the bus came before I got soaked. And the bus had the AC on so it was pretty damn cold on the ride home. I just got to my house when it down poured again. I couldn’t win staying dry. Got in the house, changed and then felt like I had to go to the bathroom again. As I got up, I felt sticky and panicked. I didn’t pass any gas or anything while I was out so I was hoping it was something other than what I thought it was. I was wrong. I crapped my pants and didn’t realize it. That just made my day. On the anniversary of my CES diagnosis, I crap my pants. Just fucking wonderful. I really was pissed. I don’t know how long that crap was in my pants. I had no sensation of it until I came home. It’s possible I went while I was undressing. I don’t fucking know. I just know that it sucks. I feel ashamed of myself. I hate my therapist for keeping me here. I could die right now from embarrassment. Sure getting soaked by the rain is one thing but crapping your pants is another. I hate this condition. I should have killed myself 10 years ago so I wouldn’t have to be dealing with this today or any day.

just done

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I didn’t sleep well last night so I have been tired most of the day. I didn’t want to have coffee because I thought I would go out. But I didn’t. I had therapy and was exhausted so I just took a nap.

My therapist was in a talkative mood today. It annoyed me. Not even half way through session, I spoke up because she was just started talking about how I should be an editor. WTF does that have to do with my depression or that today is my CES anniversary day? I got so pissed off. Then when she finally shut up, I didn’t talk the rest of the session and I didn’t care. I was done. I told her I didn’t want to talk to her the rest of next week and she pulled the brakes on that idea. Maybe meeting twice a week is too much. Maybe I just need once a week. I just know this isn’t working out. Then she says we need to meet in person. Yea, lovely idea. How when I don’t have a stupid car? Like meeting in person is going to solve the problem. I am just done with her and therapy. I almost cried while we were talking. I don’t know why I wanted to cry. But she didn’t have a clue or a sense that I was ready to cry. She never has a clue.

I wanted to kill myself in the worst way today but I just decided to sleep. My day will be coming soon enough. I am just so damn done. I am done being in pain and dealing with an airhead therapist. Sadly, I don’t think I can find another therapist in my area. Most that I have tried to see end the conversation soon as they find out I have a suicidal past. So screw that. No one new wants to help me so be it. I think after 11 times is enough searching anyway. Course, having to go through 13 therapists are enough. I should have stopped at ten and ended my life. Thing is, I am not really that depressed, yet I want to kill myself. I really don’t think you need to be depressed in order to try and kill yourself. People think this but it’s not clear. I mean there are a lot of people who suffer from depression. Not all want to end their life. Some do. Some don’t. And what separates those that do from those that don’t? No one really knows.

I’m just done. I don’t have anymore fighting left in me. I don’t have any hope that things are going to get better. Both my ankles are starting to hurt and I am scared something is wrong with my Achilles in my right foot. I can’t deal with anymore pain.