Category: Chronic pain

just a bad day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, physical pain, suicide, writing

Today I had a bad day. I can’t describe more than that because I just am so overwhelmed I might start crying again.

I had my therapy session which didn’t go so well. We ended up talking about basically me getting out of therapy which she wasn’t keen on because she knew my result. I have another appointment with her tomorrow to go over weekend planning. I feel like I am in the hospital but on an outpatient basis. I also forgot I got visual therapy tomorrow. I really don’t want to go but its too late to cancel now. I have no idea what is involved and it kind of is scaring me a little. My eye doc says it just some exercises for my muscles as they don’t like to converge when I am reading, or something like that.

I would say today was kind of productive. I got my groceries delivered, vacuumed, and got my hair cut. I ordered some healthy stuff like steamed broccoli and apples to help cut down on my carbs. Least they will be the healthy carbs.

The weather has been awful today. It has been freezing rain to hail and my back has paid the price. I still can move but I don’t know how long that will last. I have tried all the exercises I know to move my hip extensors but they still feel locked. I know once it stops raining, the pain will go away but right now it sucks! My spine aches like no tomorrow and my scar hurts like a bitch. I used to love the rain. Now the rain hates me. Probably because I can no longer walk in it. I used to love walking around my neighborhood getting soaked to the bone. It was so refreshing. Course my mother thought I was going to die of pneumonia each time I went but I didn’t care. I learned the hard way of not staying in wet clothes though. I did one time and got very sick. I never did that again.

Plateaus

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt, writing

Plateaus:

People often hit plateaus in varies areas of life. Whether it be losing the last 5 pounds in weight loss, running, or just writing.

Besides these things, there are those that are more personal. You might hit a plateau in a relationship, in therapy, or medication wise. That is where I am at now. I have a plateau with my meds.

At first I started feeling better. Always a good sign when you are feeling crappy. But lately I feel that even though I can go up on my medication, I feel that it would probably do no good. I have reached the point in a short period of time and I feel frustrated about it. I feel like here we go again with yet another med. But unlike other meds, this med is keeping me stable despite making me feel 100% better. It is maybe making me feel 85% better and that is a lot considering all that I go through mentally. Oh, just to let you know I am talking about psychiatric medication and not something else.

I have hit these plateaus with many drugs. Usually when I do, I start slipping within a month. But with this drug I am not feeling that way. I feel ok but not ok in the sense of euphoria. Just and overall feeling of contentment. But given the circumstances of the moment, I am convinced I am suicidal but it is not because of the meds. It is because of other factors that cannot be explained. It is because I have a nerve condition I cannot tolerate. I have mental illness and it drives me batty. But not as bad as my nerve condition get me. I just want to die and no one can see that. No one can see how much I hurt. But I go along with the charade of feeling fine and happy because I don’t want to worry friends and family. I can’t tell them I have a broken heart and that I am dying of humility and loss of dignity. That is what I go through on a daily basis. And right now this is at its peak despite the meds making me feel better and be on a plateau. This is what the face of being suicidal is like. Everything seems normal to the other person but inside you are dying. Wanting to make them see that you are not ok. But you are the winning actor in the play and cannot show emotion. And so that is what the play is about. Feeling high on the mountain but feeling also like you are dirt.

nobody gets me

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

Nobody gets me

I had my monthly check in with my PCP (primary care provider) and it did not go well. He didn’t believe the weight I gave him so I had to go on the scale, which I hate. I really have issues with my weight and this bothered me more than usual. The he tells me that I should have a more structured day and be more active. I am like are you fucking kidding me? I am lucky if I take a shower more than once a week and brush my teeth at least three times a week. I didn’t tell him this. I didn’t want him to think I was a real loser. So we talked about getting out of the house and walking around the block at least once a day. I felt like he didn’t get me because some days that is totally impossible because I just don’t feel like it or I am too tired from a night of not sleeping. He then tells me he just doesn’t want to give me pills every month. Well, sorry doc, that is what I need right now. I need to have the pills for when the pain is so bad I want to end my life. I don’t have the pills chances are I am going to make an attempt on my life. Just that simple. I can no longer tolerate my pain being above a 9 on a 0-10 scale.

Then we discussed my weight and I really wanted to get the hell out of there. I hate my weight, I hate my body. I hate it but there is little I can do about it as I can’t walk a treadmill. I could possibly do a bike but that takes every effort to join a gym, which I am thinking about. It will at least get me out of the house. I just don’t know if going for 5-10 mins each time is going to be helpful. I really don’t want to spend that much money for a 15 min workout. I can gradually pick it up but I will be afraid of pain returning. Walking kills me so maybe, just maybe, riding a bike will be easier. I don’t know until I try it but that may never happen. I would like a gym with a pool. But those are rare. When I was with the hospital, I had those benefits but never used them, well maybe once.

I had therapy with my therapist today and really lied through my teeth to say that I wasn’t going to kill myself this weekend. I just was yessing her to death so I could get off the phone. She was just really annoying me with questions and she brought up my family to find out how constricted I was. I hate her. I really do. She brings up my family and how they will not be able to handle my death. I don’t care. I can’t focus on that. I need to die and I am going to try this weekend. End of story. I am tired of struggling. I am tired of being in pain. I hate myself and always will, there is no changing that. I had started writing my will and have looked it over. There is nothing more that I wish to add.

Now it just depends on if I can get a hotel this weekend or not. I just need to get away. If I end up killing myself then that will be good but I don’t want to try something and fail again. It will be too much to do that. My therapist thinks I should be in the hospital but I won’t go. I really don’t want to go and the only way that will happen is if I am forced to go in. I am kind of sad because I know that this will be a shock to my psychiatrist. It is our 20th anniversary this week. I just feel that if I put it off I am only harming myself. I am making myself suffer longer. If I had cancer, people would want my suffering to end. Why can’t they see that this is the same thing? I am tired of hurting. I am tired of being in pain, both physically and mentally. Nobody gets that.

ramblings 30

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, suicide, suicide attempt

Ramblings 30

I don’t know what to write tonight. I had a sucky day. First my LTD check didn’t come like it was supposed to so I am broke until Wed when my SSD check comes in. If my LTD doesn’t come through, I can’t go back to school because I will still owe the $900 and I can’t pay that off with my SSD alone. I use my SSD to live on, pay expenses such as my rent, cell phone bill, cable bill, and my medication/insurance. After all is said and done there isn’t too much left over to do much else, except for groceries.

Second thing that pissed me off was that my PCP wants me to be more active. I don’t see how as I have been avoiding being in pain for so long I don’t know how to be active. But he also wants me to have structure in my life. Well isn’t that dandy, so do I. I can’t work right now because I am just too overwhelmed with things to try and work. I can barely take care of myself and barely go out anymore. I am working slowly to do that but it’s tough when all you want to do is stay in your comfy bed all day. I give myself little assignments. Like going to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription or drop a letter off in the mail. Yes I still use snail mail for my technologically illiterate therapist who refuses to use email I set up for her. She rather waste trees by have me mail her my writing and blogs. It’s pathetic but it gets me out of the house. If I am so inclined I will go to Starbucks for my coffee. Today I had to go out of the house to see the PCP. Though I also wanted to get a haircut but that isn’t happening until Wednesday I hope, unless I can get my cousin to cut it. It’s been two weeks since my last cut and it’s already too long for me. I like my hair wicked short, almost down to the skin. That is a good cut. But then I love men haircuts, especially military crew cuts.

So my day started off bad then got worse because now I am supposed to lose weight. I wish I dropped a pound every time some one tells me this. I would be skinny in no time! But I hate myself for being this heavy and that just feeds into the low self-esteem issues I have. I have never been thin in my adult life but I have never been more than 200 pounds either. It just demoralizes me because I hate the way my body is. I just can’t stand it. It has sent me into a suicidal tailspin again. Though now without my LTD check I don’t think I will be able to get the hotel like I was planning. If anything it would be my get away plan, though not necessarily a suicide plan, though I still like to keep that option open.