Category: chronic physical pain

first Saturday blog of 2018, 6 Jan

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Freezing day

It is cold out, very cold. It is in the single digits. I woke up around 5 in pain. My foot was throbbing. I had to use the bathroom but couldn’t move. I guess I didn’t have to go bad as I went back to sleep. I woke up around 0830 and needed to go. I checked on my mother and was worried as she was sprawled out on her bed. She was having trouble getting up. I helped her up and then used the bathroom. My foot hated me. It felt like it was being crushed. My ankle was telling me to fuck off, too.

I managed to make coffee and breakfast. Just eggs and toast. I didn’t want anything more elaborate but then my breakfast is usually just eggs and toast anyway, unless I buy bacon. It’s been a while since I bought bacon. Maybe I will next week when it is slightly warmer out. After I finished eating, I checked on my mother if she wanted a cup of tea or anything. She didn’t so I went upstairs. I read Facebook for a bit and then Twitter. The orange buffoon was calling himself a genius for winning the presidency. Sometimes I swear he still thinks he is campaigning. Every other day he has something to say about Hilary and how “crooked” she is. Meanwhile 9 million children will have no healthcare, some schools can’t afford heat, and the poor become poorer but it’s totally “okay” that the rich become richer. Dumbass.

My pain just shot up in my foot. This isn’t good. Maybe I will watch Money Pit again. That movie is a good distraction. I would like to read a chapter or two on my baseball book. I haven’t touched it since Monday. I want to try and set a limit on my social media time. I am finding it hard though. It provides me with a needed distraction throughout the day. I got the radio playing as silence was driving me nuts.

Just heard on the radio that a woman in New York wanted a $1 scratch ticket but the cashier rang her up for a $10 one. Not wanting to make a fuss, she paid it and won $5 million. Lucky.

Don’t know what is more distressing. That I have severe suicidal thoughts at night and forget about them in the morning or having the thoughts themselves and not acting on them when I don’t want to live. It also is distressing the severity of realizing I had such thoughts. I don’t recall having severe pain last night so not sure why I was in such despair. I know I wanted to write about it but decided to sleep instead.

Pain has been high most of the day, in spurts of a few hours. Last night my cousin called me. I just hear his ringtone and it annoys me. It was 2130 and he wanted to talk. I wanted to sleep. I was tired. But to him he said that I was frustrated, irritated, etc. I told him, no. I wanted to go to bed. He then told me to call him today when I woke up. I told him I sometimes am up at 7 did he really want me to call him? He said no, around noon would do. I literally was on the phone with him for a minute and thirty seconds. Like what the fuck! Don’t be wasting my time having me call you just for you to tell me you go things to do and you got to work tomorrow. I don’t fucking care. If he calls tonight, I am letting it go to voicemail. Some days I don’t mind talking to him but lately, he just has been annoying as fuck. If he doesn’t get a hold of me, he calls my mother. Or he’ll call my mother to find out where I am, like why can’t he call me? Why does he have to bother her? I hate that!! He acts just like his mother, my mother’s sister, who I can’t stand.

what a night and day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

What a night and day

I woke up to the phone ringing around 0200. It was my mother but I was half a sleep and didn’t think anything of it. She called again for me to come to her room. She had low blood sugar and needed her testing supplies as well as some juice. Her sugar was 64. I changed her bed as they were wet from sweat. I made sure she was okay and then went back to my room. I couldn’t go back to sleep. I was playing with my phone. She called me again about an hour later and she was puking up the OJ. She has a cold and it makes her gag when she coughs. She had threw up all over herself and the bed. Changed her and the sheets. Her sugar was higher so that was good.

I stayed up most of the night checking on her. Having a low sugar attack makes her feel cold so I got her some more blankets to warm her up. I slept around 5 or 6 only to wake up a few hours later. My sister had called and said she couldn’t get through. I told her she was on the phone and that was probably why. I got up to make sure. She was talking to someone on the phone when I went to the bathroom. I felt like shit. I started making my mother breakfast and almost went asleep. She said she could handle it so I went up to my room and pretty much stayed there until noon. I was hungry but didn’t know what to eat. I decided to have a bagel with the cream cheese filling I made for the cookies that were a disaster. It was okay, a little too sweet but good. I then went up my room and slept the day away.

My mother called me around 1630 to find out what I wanted for supper. I wasn’t hungry. I stayed in bed for another hour and then made a microwave dinner. I was kind of hungry so made some microwave popcorn. I watched TV and all the commercials were for weight loss. This person lost 30 pounds, this one 20, etc. What they don’t tell you is how much the food costs to join their system, which is more than what you would buy in the grocery store. I watched a couple episodes of MASH then washed the dishes in the sink for my mother. She has no voice and is wheezing from the cold. I think it will turn into a chest cold soon. I just hope I don’t get it.

I helped my sister make my mother’s bed. My ankle freaked out. Now I am ready for bed, again. I hope tonight is better than last.

First Blizzard of 2018, AKA “Bomb Cyclone”

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

First Blizzard of 2018, AKA “Bomb Cyclone”

The snow was as predicted, around 15 inches in and around Massachusetts. My back porch has snow drifts that are up to about my neck. Snow is blocking the door. It will all turn to ice tomorrow as the temps are going to be like 12 degrees.

I have been turning my ceiling fan on and off most of the day because I was cold. Then the radiator would kick on and I would be hot again. Thankful I have heat as I am fortunate. During one of the off cycles of my ceiling fan, I heard a rattling of my blinds and movement among my drapes. There is a draft as my window isn’t insulated that much but it shouldn’t be rattling. I got up and pulled the blinds as sometimes when my window is unlocked, the top window sinks down. Sure enough, it was down by almost an inch. Crap. I couldn’t reach to put it up and lock the window so called my brother in law. I made way so he could get at it. Then decided to change the curtain rod my drapes were hanging from. One had bent and it was sagging. I didn’t want to hear a crash during the night when it finally gave way. I thought I would be able to put it up by myself. HA, I am funny. I could get one side up but not the other. I called my niece up to help me. She was able to do it in like 5 minutes.

The books that I had scattered around the window were on my bed. I figured I might organize them so they wouldn’t topple over. I thought of putting them in alphabetical order or by subject but after vacuuming the rug a little, I just wanted to get them off my bed as quickly as possible. I grouped likewise books together and then piled the shorter and thinner books on top I made three piles, hardcover, paperback, and my journals/notebooks. Least I will be able to find what I am looking for fairly quickly when I need it.

My mother is sick. She has some laryngitis thing going on. I hope I don’t get it. She was quick to point out that I should organize my whole room (because I 1) don’t have anything else to do and 2) I am “healthy”). We argued until I said I don’t want to hear it anymore. She says the same things when she gets into a mood and that I am “nothing” because I don’t do nothing, though she will deny saying this when you tell her how you feel. My ankle and back are killing me. I took a shower because I was full of dust and my feet were dirty. I had bought a shower mat and I love this thing. I should have bought one sooner. It is like a defatigue mat in the shower. I seriously do not have to worry about slipping, which is a good thing. I don’t think my mother has taken a shower in a few weeks though she washes up. I hope the mat helps her to be confident in the shower.

A harrowing day 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A harrowing day

I woke up around 5 am because my back was hurting from sleeping on it. It was hard to move and then I couldn’t go back to sleep because I was in pain. My foot was throbbing, but nothing too severe, least not yet. Around 7 I decided to go to Starbucks to get my coffee so I would have it for the weekend and some half and half. It was cold out but warmer than it has been all week. A major storm is suppose to start tomorrow morning.

I caught the bus and went to Starbucks. I was debating on trying the Yukon coffee, which I never had but is a medium roast, which is also what I like. Maybe I will try it next month. I got breakfast and a soy latte with 5 shots espresso. I didn’t want an iced drink as it was too cold out. Paying for the soy was expensive. It was like 8 bucks. I thought I would use my birthday reward but it didn’t go through. I will have to try again on Friday.

I wanted to get some cheese at the grocery store but there was no one at the deli counter. I wanted to catch the bus so I just got the half and half and some English muffins. I was able to catch the bus home. The bus was roasting. I was so hot with my heavy jacket on. I was almost home and my ankle cramped up in the spot that is giving me trouble. Luckily, walking it off helped but left my ankle feeling sore. I went up the stairs and put the things I bought away. For some reason I kept having to go downstairs and talk with my mother because she was still having problems with the TV remote. I also told her the nurse would be coming. The nurse had called me because my mother’s phone is not working. Verizon was supposed to fix it but I never got a call. Around 1130, I called them to find out what was going on because I received a text saying the issue was resolved but I had no internet and my mother’s phone was still not working. The woman said the tech was still working on the problem and would call when it was finished. The tech never called but things were fixed.

My ankle had flared up soon after I called Verizon. I was really irritable and depressed. I was also having a lot of dark thoughts which I wrote about while the internet was down. All I did was take two steps toward the sink to wash my utensils. That was all my ankle needed and it was out of commission. I got very distressed and angry. I am so sick of being in pain. Nothing was getting rid of the pain. I took my meds and read twitter and facebook. I posted some stuff on both medias. I looked at cute pics of kittens and dogs. Nothing was helping. I took some more meds and then an Ativan as I was ready to do something, anything, to rid me of pain or my life, I didn’t care. I think the Ativan calmed me down enough so I was thinking crazy thoughts. Finally the meds worked and my pain was lower than it was. I decided I was going to order pizza and fries rather than get a haircut.

I am very tired as I have been up so early. I never took a nap because I was so anxious. I couldn’t settle down. I kept reading about the storm that is approaching. I hope it doesn’t blow our roof off or damage it more than it is. One of our roof tops is in need of replacing. Hope it stays together with the high winds we are supposed to have. I don’t like high winds as it feels like it is going to blow the house down or something. I closed my window and am just running the ceiling fan. Otherwise it just gets too hot in my room.

I think I am going to go to bed early. I was going to watch some more MASH but I don’t think it will be a good idea. I might read to get my mind off my worries over the next few days. I might not be able to see my psychiatrist Friday if it is very icy out. I sent her an email about being irritable and that I hope to see her at our appt. I don’t see my therapist until Monday so I am hoping the street will be better by then. His office building is on a main street so it should be clear and hopefully ice free come Monday. I just don’t know when the snow will stop tomorrow and if there will be enough time for people to shovel to remove it before it all turns to ice.