Category: chronic physical pain

A frustrating day of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A frustrating day of pain

I woke up around 9. I decided to write the blog about zero suicide that I have been procrastinating/in too much pain to write. I got half way through it when hunger came over me, so I decided to make breakfast and coffee. I should have finished the blog before eating because I was ready to go back to sleep. I forced myself to drink more coffee and try to focus on what I was writing. My ankle pain was down so I wanted to take advantage of it. A friend wanted me to send it to him before I published it. I think I wrote about 800-900 words. I sent it off to him but haven’t heard back.

As I was so sleepy, I decided to take a shower. Worst decision of the day! Not even two minutes under the water, my back seized up and made it hard to wash up. I had to sit down so I shoved the things on the seat over so I could. I waited for the spasms to pass before I got up again. It didn’t matter as within seconds the spasms returned. I quickly dried off and went up to my room. I had wanted to vacuum my rug but that wasn’t happening. I also wanted to make cookies. Not happening either. The shower took so much out of me. I had to rest for most of the day.

I asked my mother what she wanted for supper. I suggested soup and she suggested I make it. Great. The ballgame was on at 4 so I made some pasta and heated up some soup. By that time, my ankle decided it wanted to hurt and my back was out of sorts again. I need to lie down as sitting is hurting me. Damn temp went up 20 degrees so my back can’t adjust that quickly. Heard it’s going to be nice the rest of the weekend so the temps should be stable, give or take 5 degrees. Least I hope so.

same shit different cold bleak day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Same shit different cold bleak day

I woke up around 6 and didn’t feel well. My back and ankle were hurting pretty bad. I took some meds and played with my phone. It was too early to go anywhere and I didn’t want to spend all day at Starbucks. My psych had moved the appt up to noon. It was raining out and windy. Jose was blearing. I went to lie down for a few hours before I had to catch the bus. That is when my back gave out and I just said fuck it, I’m not leaving the house. I emailed my psych and canceled the appt.

I’ve been sleeping on and off all day. My mother called around supper time but she made something I didn’t like and then got mad that I wasn’t going to eat it. Whatever. I didn’t want to move. I hadn’t eaten anything all day. I really wasn’t hungry. My mood was in the abyss and I didn’t care if it stayed there or not. I thought about killing myself at least a hundred times. Thing was, I couldn’t move too good with my back hurting so trying to end it today just wasn’t going to happen. That just made me more depressed.

I must have chewed the inside of my cheek while sleeping because it’s really sore. I’m feeling kind of irritable. My mood just sucks. I feel like I am on a lethal path. I just want to sleep.

random 110

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 110

I didn’t sleep again last night. I wrote my psychiatrist just how I was feeling and didn’t hold anything back. I didn’t say out right I was going to do anything but that I really wanted to. I was in such rough shape that I was seriously thinking of hacking my foot with a knife. Luckily, sleep overcame me before I did something.

Since I got up, I’ve been having cobwebs in my head. I just can’t think straight. Last night before I went off to sleep, I was thinking about writing something about zero suicide. I probably would have wrote something half assed. I kept on getting ideas of what I wanted to say but I just couldn’t get my notebook out to write it down. I knew if I turned on my laptop, I would be up for the night and I didn’t want that. I tweeted my friend about it and he would like to read it before I posted it. I thought that was reasonable.

I still haven’t written anything. I don’t think it is going to be today that I write it.

That’s all I got for today. My brain just can’t think anymore. Until tomorrow friends.

a night of no sleep but baked during the day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A night of no sleep but baked during the day
I didn’t go to sleep till around 6 or 7 am. Pain was keeping me up. Different parts of my foot kept acting up. It was making me very restless. Around 0500, I was contemplating calling my psych because I didn’t know what else to do. I had taken all the meds I could take, with no relief. I finally took another Ativan and that seemed to settle me down along with exhaustion.

I slept until my med alarm went off around 1130. An hour later, my mother called wanting me to help her with something. She was making chicken soup and needed help with preparation of the vegetables and stuff. I had to help load the pan on the stove as her legs were bothering her so much she couldn’t lift it. I kept having to go downstairs to get somethings from my sister’s apartment that we didn’t have.

I then decided to shred the zucchini for the bread. I would start making it when my mother was done with the soup to let it cook. I made coffee while she was putting stuff in the soup and helped her with making the meatballs. I haven’t rolled meatballs since I was a kid. It was fun.

After that was done, I started preparing my baking. I got out the stuff I needed and went to work. I tried not to make a mess but I did. It was really muggy in the kitchen so when my mother left to watch TV in the other room, I opened the back door to let the cool air in. I baked the bread at the modified temp and cooked it longer than what the recipe called for. It was the second time making this so I knew what to expect.

My ankle was hurting and I needed to take my pain meds so I went up to my room. I still had a half hour before the bread was done. I need to take a shower as I got flour all over my shirt. I’ll do that before I go to bed tonight. Maybe it will help me sleep better. The bread was done and I let it cool. As it did so, I started washing the things in the sink. My back did not like that at all. The cool rainy weather is wreaking havoc on my spine. It’s supposed to be like this for another day. I am hurting big time and it’s not even 1900 yet. I just hope I don’t have a long night ahead of me. It will suck big time.