Category: chronic physical pain

Two chores done!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Two chores done!

I needed to change my sheets and take a shower. When I woke up, I didn’t want to do a damn thing. I sort of made plans with a friend to come over today and when he texted me, I almost cried. There was no way I was up for company. He understood and he sent his hugs so that made me feel a little better.

I then started clearing off my bed and took off the dirty sheets. I brought them downstairs and threw the comforter in the washer. Then I wrestled with the fitted sheet using the clips I bought to keep them on my bed. It was easier putting the clips on my sheet than tucking them under my mattress. I think I did it right. We’ll see. I had to rest when all four corners were in. My back was killing me. I rested for a few minutes and then put the other sheet on and the pillow cases for the pillows. I was thinking of going to the Square but after I took a shower, my ankle is really hurting so it’s not happening. I don’t even think I am going to go to the liquor store for beer. Even though I just did two things, I am in a lot of pain.

I made some lunch and then snacked. My mother will be making dinner soon. I don’t think I am going to eat it. Maybe later in the evening. By the time I was done having lunch, my comforter was done in the dryer. I brought it upstairs and put it on my bed. Now I want to hide under the covers but my sleep has been off the past few days. I am going to try and not sleep until later tonight. I really want to try and go to the Square tomorrow so I can get some more turkey breast. I ran out. I really love making the roll ups with cranberry sauce. It’s like my favorite thing to make because it is so easy. I also love making the tortilla into a burrito with eggs for breakfast. I also need to get more eggs as my mother has just one dozen left. I want to make cookies this weekend. It won’t be tomorrow but maybe Sunday or Monday.

I am feeling really dowsy, like all the energy has been sucked out of me. Maybe I should make some coffee. It’s still early for a cup. But I have a feeling it will be like taking a sleeping pill. If I don’t drink it, oh well. I am going to try it. I need to stay awake as I have been sleeping all morning. I hate when my depression makes me so tired. It sucks.

blogging after midnight and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Blogging after midnight and other things

I started a word doc called “After Midnight Blog”. Twice I have started it, changing it around and trying to organize my thoughts in the early morning hours. Twice, I don’t get more than 151 words down. One of these day it will be published, but not today. I just start writing whatever comes to my mind and then I get tired enough to go back to sleep.

I had another bad night of sleeping. I woke up around 3. I felt energized and thought I would be up all night but was able to go back to sleep around 5 after I had a bowl of cereal. I put my phone on “do not disturb”. I’m glad I did because I had a shit load of messages when I got up around an hour ago. My computer friend got back to me. He priced a new screen but I think because my laptop is old, it’s not going to be worth replacing. Crap. I’ll see what he says. I really would rather pay $50 for a new screen than $500 for a new laptop.

I was a little hungry so I had another bowl of cereal. I didn’t feel like making anything else. My mother called me and asked if I wanted pasta with peas. I don’t care. She’ll be making it in about an hour. I don’t feel like going back downstairs as my ankle is hurting me. It has me really depressed today. I feel really low and don’t want to do a damn thing. I need a shower but don’t have the energy.

I fricken fucked up. I usually keep a spreadsheet of the time I take my pain meds. When I woke up a few hours ago, I didn’t put it in. Now I don’t remember if I took my meds or not. I’m starting to feel like I am going through withdrawal so my guess is not. Fucking hate this shit.

no sleep again!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

No sleep again

I didn’t fall asleep until 0630 this morning. I was up all night. Every time I wanted to lie down, my foot or ankle or both, acted up in severe pain. I slept for about 7 hours before my damn mother called me wanting to know where I was. I didn’t pick up the phone. I took my pain meds. Then went downstairs to use the bathroom.

A friend had messaged me saying she was at work and I could swing by with my books whenever. I told her I would be by in about a half hour. I really didn’t want to go but I wanted to see my friend. I trudged up the hill to the office she was at and I was hurting. My ankle and toes acted up. I gave her the books and then left. I had an errand to do for my mother so I went to Walgreens. I wanted a drink or a snack so I got a Mountain Dew energy drink. It didn’t give me energy. My ankle is really acting up. I am in a lot of pain. I finished my zucchini bread and the rest of the energy drink. I told my mother I would be ordering Chinese food for dinner. She said ok. I think ordering Chinese is the only thing that she likes me to order. She never gives me a hard time about it but if I order a burger or any other type of food, she does. I don’t get it. It’s not like I am using her money. Whatever.

I’m pretty wiped out. I don’t feel like doing much of anything. I really wanted to change my sheets today but I knew that I would feel shitty when I got up. Guess it will have to wait till tomorrow. I am hurting pretty bad. My ankle just kicked up a few notches so I had to take the strong pain pill. It was hurting so bad my thoughts immediately went to suicide. I’m starting to keep a record of the consecutive days that I think about suicide due to pain only. If I think about suicide because of my depression or psychache, it doesn’t count.

OSU plays their first football game of the season tomorrow. I can’t wait. I have been looking forward to their games all summer. I think the Huskers play on Saturday. I tried downloading the schedule but couldn’t get it. I’ll just have to look online. I used to have the college football app but couldn’t find it in Google Play. I loved that app.

Think I need to take another strong pain pill. Pain is not going down and now my ankle bone is hurting really bad. This makes day 4 of it hurting. Tomorrow I don’t have to do a damn thing, other than change my sheets if I am up to it. I am not going out or anything. It will be a rest day. I’ll shut my phone off so if my damn mother decided to call, it will go directly to voicemail. Maybe I will block her when I sleep. There is an idea. I wish she would leave a reason for her call but she never does. She just says “give me a call when you get a chance” and hangs up. Annoying!

in my brain, dial it up, everything I want to say

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

In my brain, dial it up, everything I want to say

I am totally addicted to “One Number Away”. It has been on repeat since yesterday afternoon. It touches me every time I hear it.

I am going through withdrawal symptoms from my pain meds because it has been 11 hours since my last dose. I have been sleeping all day so didn’t bother to take them when I woke up two hours ago. Sucks being dependent on a drug. And NO, being depended and addicted are two separate things. Being addicted means you need higher amounts of something to feel good. I don’t need a higher dose of my pain meds when I go through withdrawal. I just need to take the dose I take to get relief from the dizziness and lightheadedness that I feel. I almost fell backwards twice today. I thought it was because I am in Neurontin fog but now I think it’s because of the withdrawal. I have just taken my meds so I should be feeling better in about a half hour.

My mother is making dinner right now. Sausages and potatoes. I have a funny relationship with sausages. I like them but sometimes the taste makes me not like them. It’s weird. I’ll probably eat more potatoes than sausages anyway.

I made coffee but couldn’t drink it. It was making me more sleepy so I decided not to drink it all. I had wanted to change my sheets today but I’m not feeling up to it. I bought these clips to hold them in place. I just hope they work and don’t rip the sheets or slip off. I got them cheap on Amazon, just $8. A catalog that my mother gets had them for $14, but it was just 2 clips. I got 3 clips. I hope it keeps my sheet from coming undone after a few days. I hate having to fix it.

I got my suicide prevention shirt from the American Association of Suicidology. I hate not being a member anymore but the fees are too much for my budget, even as a fixed budget fee. I have Twitter to keep me updated on things as people are now posting on social media the slides and stuff at conferences. It makes you feel like you are there.

I’m starting to feel better now that I took my pain meds and ate a little bit. The sweet potatoes weren’t cooked but the zucchini she made was. It was a good dinner. I love zucchini with bread crumbs. She baked it in the oven so it was crispy. Very yummy! I hope I am able to stay awake for a little bit now that the withdrawal symptoms have passed. I try not to let it happen but I have no control over my sleeping pattern. I had woken up in the early morning and didn’t go back to sleep until 0700 then woke up at 1400. It was a good sleep. I hope that I will be able to sleep tonight. I think I will because I am still tired. I’ll change my sheets tomorrow. I really don’t feel like doing that task today. I need to clear my bed off and then take the sheets off. That is the easy part. Finding a place to put my “office” is always difficult. It’s not so bad as mostly it’s just clothes more than books and notebooks like last time. I’ll do it but I need energy and I just don’t have it today.