Category: chronic physical pain

Freaking Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Freaking Friday

I woke up around 0430 because my bladder told me to. Luckily, I was able to go back to sleep after taking some pain meds. I didn’t want to get up around 1030. I had an hour or so before I had to catch the bus to see my psych. I really wanted to cancel it but I needed to talk to her and get a refill on my Zoloft.

I got to the Square and went to Starbucks. I had espresso and a breakfast sandwich. By the time I was done, it was time to catch the train. The appt went okay. I told her I was still suicidal because I am just fed up. She said to call her if I was going to through with my plans. She refilled my prescription and I see her in two weeks.

I went back to the square and the bus was late. Actually, it never showed up and I was pissed because there was an asshole at the bus depot playing his music on his phone full fucking blast. I could barely hear my music through MY headphones it was so damn loud. I really thought I was going to lose it. And he was hitting on every girl that went by him, which disgusted me. Normally I don’t mind but he was just being loud and obnoxious about it. And of course the asshole was on my bus. There were some teenagers that got on so he had to talk with them. The bus couldn’t go fast enough to get this jerk off his stop.

I went to the pharmacy to get my prescription. I also checked out some electric razors while I was there but didn’t like any that I saw and they were out of my price range. The one that I had died on me and would like to replace it. My bad foot was ready to kill me by the time I got home. It felt like I was walking on rocks. I switched my shoes to sneakers for the AFO. That seemed to help my Achilles so it wasn’t rubbing against the lump so much. I was glad it helped. I was still in pain but walking was better and I wasn’t putting so much weight on my bad foot to stop the Achilles pain on my right.

My mother didn’t make anything special for dinner so I am on my own. I might order Chinese food once my foot calms down some. I thought about getting some while I was waiting for the bus as there is a Chinese restaurant around the corner from the bus depot but I didn’t have cash on me and I didn’t know if they took debit cards. I don’t go to that place often.

Now that I am home, I just want to sleep and not wake up. The bottom of my bad foot hurts so bad that I really don’t want to move but my bladder is telling me I need to use the bathroom soon. I wish there was a half bath where the bedrooms are. It would make life so much easier. I really need a shower as it was warm today and I just sweat a lot. It was stuffy in my room when I woke up early this morning so I turned the AC on. It’s cool in my room now so I don’t have to turn it on again. I love having it in my window and needing it when I need it. Today is the first really warm day in a while. I hope the weekend is warm. Sunday, I made plans to see my aunt with my sisters. I am looking forward to it.

bad physical pain day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Bad physical pain day

I did way too much yesterday and the day before. I tried resting but my damn allergies kept me up. I did take a nap, eventually. My Achilles is really painful. After I had supper, I iced it. It helped to numb it so I could bear weight on it. I am completely miserable today.

Last night I went off on my psychiatrist. I told her I didn’t want to see any doctor including her. I am tired of seeing them. She responded today asking if I was serious. I told her I was just frustrated at not being heard and being dismissed all the time with my concerns. I told her I would see her tomorrow for our scheduled appointment but to have tissues ready. I have been crying a lot lately because of pain and because I am just so upset at the medical profession. Why did people chose this profession if they are not going to be helpful?

It’s hot and humid so I just turned on the AC so I could freeze my ass off. I hope it helps the allergies as I have been stuffed up and coughing most of the day. I thought when I woke up this morning, I was getting a cold. It cleared up after I used my Flonase. I am just miserable and I have been taking my pain meds but it’s not helping my Achilles at all. I feel so upset with this. I bought another $25 worth of pens last night as retail therapy. I bought a 12 pack and a single pen that I like. I want this one to be in my carryon bag that I take with me when I go out.

I took 900 mg of Neurontin after my mother rudely woke me from a sound sleep to find out where my childhood friend now lives. I was so annoyed. She knows I have been in a lot of pain yesterday. I had a hard time sleeping despite taking my night meds early. I just couldn’t sleep even though I was so tired. I didn’t fall asleep till around midnight, six hours after I took my meds. I had to take another Ativan to calm down. The Neurontin is helping with the burning pain, even though it’s making my waistline bigger. I weighed myself yesterday and found I had gained 10 pounds in a week. This med just adds weight, even if you don’t eat more than you usually do. Then when you stop it, you lose the weight, or some of it anyway. I hate it but it works so I can’t do anything about it.

I’m feeling really depressed and at times I just want to kill myself because I feel so worthless. If I can’t walk, what is the point of living? I just want to go to my spot and end it. I might this weekend if my pain lets up. I will tell my psych this. I don’t care. I know I am going to bawl when I see her. I just am so upset at my PCP.

Both ankles are hurting me but my left is hurting me more than my Achilles. The game is on as to which part of my ankle/foot is going to hurt more with my left. My ankle will start hurting and then it will move down to my metatarsal bones. These are the major bones in the foot. My last three always hurt when they flare. I have already taken two strong pain pills to quiet down my Achilles but it didn’t do anything. I am feeling hopeless that nothing is working for my right ankle. My mother saw how swollen it was and saw the lump. I am tempted to just get a sharp knife and cut it out. Maybe then my Achilles will stop hurting me.

I ordered my favorite dinner, pizza and fries. I only ordered half a pizza and I am glad I did because I’m the only one that wanted a second slice. My mother and niece ate the fries and one slice each. I like when there is no left overs because I am the only one that usually eats it.

My Red Sox gear that I ordered finally came. I bought another hat and a hoodie. I know summer is coming but it’s a lightweight hoodie for cool nights. Plus I can use it as the temps keep fluctuating to cold even though it’s fricken June! My left ankle is not happy that I went down and up two flights of stairs. Stupid fucking CRPS!

frustrating doc appt and cookies

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Frustrating doc appt and cookies

I had my quarterly appointment with my PCP this morning. It didn’t go well as the jerk didn’t listen to me or pain concerns. He was reluctant to give me a month’s supply of my strong pain meds and things I have “hyperalgesia”, which means the pain meds are increasing my pain. I don’t think that is happening because pain it brought on when I stand or move my damn ankle. He gave me a referral to the CRPS specialist and wants to hear what she says before making any treatment changes. I see him again in four fucking months.

I am so frustrated. Idiot won’t give me a month supply, fine, I’ll just request a refill every fucking two weeks until he changes the damn count of the meds. I emailed my psychiatrist but haven’t heard back from her. He didn’t want to listen to how bad the pain was, especially when I told him it was bringing on suicidal episodes for me. He just asked if I was in contact with my psych and that seemed to make everything okay. WTF. I don’t see her for pain control. I see HIM! If my damn pain levels weren’t so damn high, my suicidal episodes would be less. Sure I would still be suicidal but it wouldn’t be every time my pain is a 15, especially when my flares are becoming more frequent, with no rhyme or reason.

I was hurting and tired when I came home but decided to make cookies anyway. It was a recipe I haven’t tried before so I didn’t know what to expect. The recipe said it would take 15 minutes to cook. It turned out to be close to a half hour or so and my mother increased the temp of the oven 25 degrees above what they said. Then they cooked. I made them a little bit too big and thick. The smaller ones were cooked more than the bigger ones. I am disappointed because they didn’t come out right. I might trash them. I was going to give them to my psych but I’m not now because they just didn’t cook right. I am frustrated because I aggravated my damn Achilles while making them. My back is also hurting, but it was hurting since this morning. I somehow aggravated my sciatica and it didn’t help that the doc was poking me in the back to see where I hurt.

I am really tired. There wasn’t much of a mess and I tried to clean up the best I could. My mother is making dinner and I am not hungry because I had two cookies plus the dough so I am full. I loved the dough more than the cookies. I might have some of the teriyaki chicken breast that I bought the other day if I get hungry later.

I think my mother’s taste buds are going because she couldn’t taste the butterscotch in the cookies. I put 2 packages of butterscotch pudding mix in the batter. I could taste it. She said all she tasted was dough. I don’t know. Just pissed me off more than I was already.

I sent another email to my psych and now I am crying out of the frustration of being in pain and not having a caring doc. He isn’t a jerk or anything, just inexperienced I think to deal with the complexity of my situation. I miss my former PCP so bad. I rather be nervous about my weight with him than deal with this incompetent young doc who I don’t think trusts me enough to judge my pain and how I manage it. I really think if he saw me more it would increase his awareness of just how bad my pain is and how to deal with it. The meds work and I don’t think I am getting hyperalgesia from them. I also said so in my email to my psych. She should know what this young doc is saying. I get his hesitancy to treat me but is it worth him signing my death certificate because he is under treating me? I was very up front with my former PCP about this and he understood that even though I was under the care of my psychiatrist and therapist I still had low suicidal moods that centered around my pain and suffering. He really wanted to help me and make me “better”, though there was nothing more that could be done. I have tried PT and injections. They just made my pain worse. I have seen countless docs. I hope the specialist can offer me something worthwhile but I am not holding my breath. The worst thing she can say is that I don’t have CRPS but just a pain syndrome. I think that will devastate me and might put me over the edge. I have been fighting this pain for so long now that I am just so sick of it. It makes me tired and cranky and suicidal at times. I can’t just stay at home all the time and stare at my four walls or write endless blogs. I need to go out some time and have a routine of some sort.

Tomorrow I don’t have nothing on my agenda and I am just going to rest. I see my psych on Friday so I want my Achilles pain to calm down some. I really don’t have a treatment for that other than taking ibuprofen and resting it. When it’s really bad, I have to take a couple of strong pain pills to quiet it down. Baking didn’t help it any but it’s not as painful as it was yesterday.

saying good-bye to a friend

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saying good-bye to a friend

I got up soon after my mother left the house. I wanted to basically shave the sides and part of the back of my head because she “loves” it so much. Unfortunately, the razor that I wanted to use died and I had to use my trimmer, which didn’t cut as close as I wanted it. I took a shower afterwards to get the hair off me.

I then made breakfast of scrambled eggs with pepper jack cheese. It was good. We were running low on orange juice so I figured after the wake, I would get some. By the time I was done ironing my shirt, it was time for the next bus to the Square. I desperately needed coffee. I got dressed quickly. My dress pants had some trouble going over my brace. Luckily the bus was a little late so I was basically on time when it came.

I felt pretty good in my shirt and tie. I hardly get dressed up anymore or even wear button down shirts since I have been out of work. I went to Starbucks for my espresso and started to write in my journal. I then thought I could get the juice at the new grocery store they opened in the Square a few months ago. They didn’t carry the kind I wanted in the size I wanted. I decided to go home so I could take another dose of pain meds before leaving for the funeral home. Unfortunately, I had spilled my coffee on my tie and it smelled of soy milk and espresso. I was not happy because cleaning ties are a bitch.

I came home and thought about blogging but I didn’t. I called my carrier for my cellphone to see if I could get a better deal now that my contract had expired. I lowered my bill, which is good and have unlimited everything plus a hotspot. I have no idea how to use a hotspot but whatever. It’s 10 GB and I doubt I will use it at all. But it’s with the plan and doesn’t cost me extra. The plan is in effect and I should see it in my next billing cycle.

I got antsy and decided to leave for the funeral home. It was nice weather, even though it was cloudy so I didn’t mind waiting outside. The bus was late but I didn’t care. I didn’t want to be there too early. I saw my friend and said goodbye to him. I told him to say hi to my other coworkers that have passed on. I then gave my condolences to the family.

I went to see the pictures they had on display and saw one of the friends that I used to work in. There were a few more that came in and we all talked. I learned there have been 81 people to date that have passed on since the company closed in 1997. I hope we don’t lose anymore. I waited around a bit, hoping to see more friends but it was getting late and I still needed to go to the grocery store. I left and then bought something to eat while at the store. I didn’t have dinner at home because I wasn’t hungry. By the time I made it back to the bus stop, my Achilles flared up something awful and I still needed to walk home. I basically limped on my bad foot, which it didn’t like so my ankle flared in protest. I was screwed.

Luckily, I didn’t have to wait long for the bus to come. I walked to the convenience store to buy a Powerball ticket and a scratch ticket. I lost on the scratch. I hope the powerball numbers come through. It’s low numbers so I am not sure. There hasn’t been a Massachusetts winner in a long time so I am not hopeful. But in order to win, you have to play so I am taking a $2 chance.

I came home and medicated. I told my mother about my friend and how he used to tell one line jokes. He was a sweet man. He isn’t suffering anymore and he can be with his friends to tell his corny jokes.