Category: chronic physical pain

Random 538

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 538

My pain levels were back to “normal” this morning when I woke up so I emailed my psychiatrist to tell her I would be seeing her. It was too early to get ready so I went back to sleep, which was a mistake as when I woke up a couple hours later, I didn’t want to leave my bed. It took all I had to get up, wash up, brush my teeth, and fix my hair. It was really hot out so I didn’t want to wear a hat.

I looked for my keys yet again and still cannot find them. They have been missing for a week. I have been using a spare key that I have in my wallet to get into my house. I am glad we only use one door.

I went to Starbucks after I got my things together. The bus was on time and I was grateful as the sun was beating down at the bus stop. Then at one of the stops two ladies with huge strollers came on. They piss me off because they make passengers leave their seats so the strollers can be accommodated. This is not the first time they have done this. The bus driver doesn’t say anything to them and I just sit their while they talk loudly in their language, ignoring their children as they try to get their mother’s attention. I hate parents that do that!

I got off the bus before they did and went to Starbucks. I got a sandwich and my espresso. By the time I was done, there wasn’t much time for writing. I wrote for a few minutes and then left for my psych appointment. My psych was late, which is typical for her. I told her about the flare up I had last night was caused by taking a shower. She then told me about a neurologist that specializes in CRPS (Complex Region Pain Syndrome). She just found out about her yesterday. I called when I got home but had to leave a message because no one picked up. I also told her about how suicidal I have been and how tired I am of being in pain. She understands and doesn’t want me to kill myself, though I had a feeling if I did, she would understand. She wants me to join the pain group that she told me about months ago. I said I would call the coordinator. I really don’t want to go to this group. I have to think about it some more.

I didn’t tell my psych about my plans. I want to give this neurologist a try though I am doubtful that she will be helpful. I told her I would be in touch and I see her in two weeks.

I went back to the Square to go home but stopped at the butcher’s shop for burgers and rolls. I have been craving a burger. I think it’s because of the hot weather. But I love burgers, too. I made the bus home and then on a whim, I checked Walgreens to see if someone had turned in a set of keys. There was a set but it wasn’t mine. I am convinced my house ate them. I know I had them because I wouldn’t have been able to get into the house last Friday. Just bugs me!

My ankles started acting up on the walk home from Walgreens, my left more than my right. I still need to make my burger but I wanted to write my blog first. I want to cool off in the AC, too. I am hoping I don’t need a strong pain pill tonight. I haven’t moved my bowels all week, since Monday or Tuesday. I’m going to have to take some fiber pills to get things going. I’m not going out this weekend so I can be home for crapping. Fun times ahead!

in a very depressed mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

In a very depressed mood

Pain has been with me for most of the day. I tried to nap and then my ankle was like “no, you can’t.” I got tired from my night meds and tried to sleep and the same thing happened. I just took some Neurontin, hoping it knocks out some of the nerve pain that I am feeling. My teeth hurt, the whole top so I am not sure if I should see a dentist or a doctor. It could be sinuses as I have been stuffy the past few weeks due to allergies. I am so frustrated that I am having yet another pain in my body.

As I was lying there pondering if I should just lay in bed or take yet more medication, I started to think about ending my life in a couple of weeks. I have the plan. I have the meds. I just need a solid date to play it all out. I want out of this world. I don’t see the good in it and I don’t feel so great about it.

I was going through my blogs. I do this from time to time. I came across one that was very depressing as I was talking about my transgender issues and how people see me. It’s bothering me more and more. I don’t have the energy to correct people anymore. I just let it go.

Apparently sitting up decreases my pain but I can’t sleep sitting up so I am fucking screwed. I hate being in pain. It’s driving the suicidal buttons to a new level. I emailed my neurologist about a TENS unit to see if that would help. She wrote back this morning and said it could help. There is a 50% chance. I don’t like those odds, especially as the device is expensive. I’ll put it on my back burner though and see how it goes.

I just can’t get out of this pain cycle that I am in. Today is really hot. I am glad I have the AC cranking. I had to put a long sleeved shirt on because I got kind of cold. I am wearing a tank top. I just had my lunch and my mother will be making spaghetti soon. I am getting hungry, even though I just ate. I didn’t eat anything all day as I woke up late. I really want a damn burger so tomorrow after my psych appointment I am going to get some.

I am feeling really depressed, like I can’t cope anymore. Everything is either pissing me off or depressing me. I know it’s the pain. Always the pain. I just can’t get away from it. It’s will me all the time, in one form or another. I was thinking of increasing the Zoloft but why bother. I just had an increase a few months ago. It helped for a while and now I am back to being depressed. Seems I always need a higher dose and then I am maxed out. The meds stop working for me. I should just end my life and be done with it.

I heard another musician died by suicide. I don’t know him as I never heard the group Soundgarden. One of my friends went off about suicide not being the answer, ever. If she only knew of the pain that I deal with on a daily basis. This is worse than a cancer patient’s pain. Least they will have an end. I don’t have an end unless I make one.

My mother jibed at me again today, because I was wearing a long sleeved shirt. It’s 90 degrees or more in the house and she asked if I was cold in her condescending tone. I just walked away. I don’t even think I answered her. I was tired of taking it off when going downstairs. I don’t know why she always has to give me a hard time on the way I dress, like I am a little kid.

I feel like life is unbearable right now. I just am so underground. There is no daylight. My heart is heavy and my ankle is throbbing again. I get no relief whatsoever. Death is all I think about these days. It makes me happy knowing I have a way out of this damned misery. One day I will end my pain. One day. And soon.

bright sun shiny day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Bright sun shiny day

It’s 80 degrees or so and slightly humid. I hate it. I wasn’t planning on going out but I had to pick up my jeans. I figure I would also pick up a steak and cheese and some fries for my lunch. Before I even got to the tailors, my ankle started to have spasms. I was screwed. I had to walk really slow and I was sweating really bad. After the tailors, I went to the sub shop for my sandwich and fries. I carefully walked home as it was pretty bad. I was hurting.

I had my sandwich and shared my fries with my mother. They always give you more than a small. I hate to see what a large looks like. I was sweating and it didn’t feel good. I made an ice tea but diluted it with ice so it was mostly water. It was a big cup. I figure I would have some fluids to replenish my lost ones.

After I ate, I went upstairs to change. My ankle was hating me like never before. My t-shirt was soaked so I took it off and I dried myself with a towel that I keep in my room for that purpose. I am always sweating and I think it’s because of the chronic pain that I sweat more. Doesn’t help that today is a hot day. I think I am going to have my brother in law put in my AC tonight because the rest of the week is supposed to be just as hot. I had already took my pain meds around noon so I couldn’t take anymore. I can take my strong pain pill but I will hold off on it. I took an Ativan to quiet the spasms. If the pain gets worse, I will take the pill.

I read a chapter of Robert Lowell. I am trying to get through this book. I have 5 chapters left. I won’t be doing a review on it because I don’t like the book the way it is written. I think it could have been edited so that it wasn’t so big as the author repeated herself several times or the themes of the book are repeated.

I woke up around 0530 because my bladder woke me up. I was able to get back to sleep till around 11 or so. I made coffee and had a bowl of cereal. I really didn’t want to get up but I was hungry. My mother made bacon so I had a few slices.

The Ativan is making me feel sleepy. I think I am going to take a nap for an hour or so. Then I will get back to reading Lowell. I have nothing else planned for the day/evening. Nothing for tomorrow either.

having a rough time

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Having a rough time

I have been in pain all morning. I needed to get my pain meds so I just went out to do that and holy fucking hell broke loose. BOTH ankles are hurting as well as my bad foot/toes. I am home now and going to medicate and relax the rest of the day. I feel bad that I was supposed to see my friends south of Boston but there is no way I can make the journey. I just hurt too much.

I am so flipping tired. It’s really hot today but the end of the week is going to be hotter. I wore shorts and my brace was rubbing against me. It made my calf hurt while I was walking around or even while I was sitting. I don’t know why this is because I never felt that way before. I think it’s just because I am so tired from being in pain all the time.

I seemed to have misplaced my house keys. I know I came into the house on Friday and what I did with them after I came into the house is a mystery. I can’t find them anywhere. It’s really bugging me. I have a spare key that I carry in my wallet in case I lock myself out of the house. I have done that numerous times. I have been using that but I miss having my rewards cards for the different stores I go to. I really hope I find them.

I took a shower when I got up this morning. It started the downhill slide but I pushed through it to get to my PCP’s office and the pharmacy. I keep thinking of suicide. I emailed my psychiatrist last night to tell her things weren’t good. I am just tired of being in pain and just existing. I am getting so sick of it. I’m sick of my feet being cold all the time and then burning hot when they warm up. I am tired of being tired all the time when I don’t do much activity. I am tired of missing out on social visits because my pain is too bad for traveling. I really just want to die and don’t see a reason for living. It’s just not worth it.