Category: chronic physical pain

colds suck

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Colds suck

I had to go to the pharmacy to pick up my meds and also some more Nyquil. I thought I had an unopened bottle somewhere but I can’t find it so I just bought new bottles. I also tried to get gift cards for my family but I misread the damn cards and I didn’t want to go back to the stand when I just wanted to go home and rest. I just got to get them for my kids and I will be done. It’s weird not getting anything for my father this year or worrying what to get him.

I haven’t had anything to eat or drink today, nothing substantial. I had a piece of my sister’s cinnamon roll apple pie. It was good. And then I went back to sleep until I woke up to go to the pharmacy. I should make the Shepard’s pie but I really feel like crap and don’t want to be on my feet. I got a splitting headache. I also picked up some more ibuprofen as I am out. I hope it helps my headache.

The only thing I really need to do is fill my pill box for the week. I set my alarm for tomorrow’s appointment as I need to be out of the house by 0700. I swear if the doc gives me crap about my weight, I’m just going to say I don’t give a shit. I have other things to worry about than losing weight. I’m so sick of skinny docs giving lectures about how you are supposed to lose weight when you have to be a certain way. And for what? I have always been a heavy person, though in my mind I think I am skinny (toss it up to body image issues). Even if I was 80 pounds I would still have pain and back issues. Being thin isn’t going to solve my herniated disc issues. Yes it might make them less likely to explode on me but they might just do it anyways. It’s just so annoying. Yes, I would love to fit into a 34 waist again, but that will take some work and frankly, I don’t think I can do it unless I seriously starve myself.

I have a busy week so this cold needs to go away. I’m going to rest some more before my mother calls me for dinner.

Bad Dream

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Bad dream

I just woke up from a bad dream. I dreamt I had the bottle of pills I plan on ending my life with in my hands. I gave them to my sister to hold for me, but the next thing I knew, I was taking the pills. I started to get worried that I was going to puke from taking so many. But I had the bottle in my hand, unopened. Then I woke up to find that my hands were empty, thank god. It was a very strange but disturbing dream.

I am surprised I woke up as I took Nyquil for my cold with my pain and night meds. I must have slept for about three hours. I am not in pain, yet. But I am coughing. Great. This cold doesn’t want to leave my body. I am already tired of being sick. I hope it’s gone by tomorrow but I doubt it will be. I am tired. I want to go back to sleep but that dream has me all discombobulated. I’m afraid to go back to sleep for fear of going back to that dream. Can you dream your death? It would be welcome. But it would be strange for me to die in my sleep when I have no known problems and no one in my family has died in their sleep at such a young age. They have died from old age or cancer (my father).

There was a movie that I wanted to see that was only for one night only. I tried to get tickets but they were sold out. Such a bummer. I planned on taking my youngest sister to it but I really didn’t think they would be sold out. I hope they make it into a DVD. That would be awesome. I hate going to theaters anyways because I really can’t stand loud noises. It makes me uneasy. Tonight while having dinner, it was all quiet until my mother turned on the TV. It was full blast and gave me a mini heart attack; it scared the shit out of me. My mother laughed but eventually the noise got to me and I asked her if she could lower it. The sound was going through my head like I sledgehammer.

I think I have another cavity in my tooth. It’s quite sensitive. I hope not because I hate the drilling. I see the dentist in a couple of weeks. I hope it’s just sensitive because of this cold that I have. Yesterday, the whole row of teeth were bothering me.

I can’t take anymore Nyquil for another hour or so. Same with my pain meds. I think a slice of cherry pie is calling my name. ta ta for now.

A Shitty Saturday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

A Shitty Saturday

It’s another dreary, cold day, despite the sun being out. It could just be that I don’t feel well and my ankle hasn’t stopped hurting me since I woke up this morning. I had a good dream that I woke up from, weird but good.

I planned on making Shepard’s pie today but my mother is making pork chops so I will make it for tomorrow. Besides, I am not really up to being on my feet. Just making coffee killed me. I had two pieces of my cranberry cake for breakfast and that has been all I have had to eat today, so far.

My cold is quickly moving towards my lungs as my cough is getting worse. I hate being sick. My Buckeyes are losing right now so I am in a mood. This game will determine whether they will go to a championship game so they really need to win.

I got an alumni high school hoodie I have been meaning to buy but was waiting for it to be on sale. Then I found out this morning one of my high school teachers passed away last night. I feel really sad about this. She was a good teacher, always had energy that rubbed off on you. My thoughts and prayers go out to her family.

I also bought a couple of SE Hinton books and a DVD. Next I need to buy Christmas gifts and I will be all set. I just plan on getting gift cards for my family. I will get them tomorrow when I go to Walgreens to pick up my prescription. If I didn’t feel so shitty, I‘d go today. I hope I feel better tomorrow.

I don’t get why my damn ankle/foot is hurting when I rested for at least nine hours straight. It doesn’t make any sense. Any slight movement I make today bothers it. I am so sick of this gnawing pain. I just want it to go away and stay away. It just feels so hopeless because I know it won’t. There is nothing I can do about it anymore. What used to work doesn’t. It’s really depressing. I am sure having a cold isn’t helping it, other than keeping me off my feet. But even that hasn’t worked. If I lie down, it flares up worse than sitting. All I can do it take pain pill after pain pill. I am so tired of fighting this bullshit. I just want to fucking die. Why is that so difficult? I mean, it was never easy to begin with, but dammit. People die all the fucking time, why can’t I be one of them?

Painsomnia Begins

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Painsomnia begins

I haven’t tried going to sleep yet but my ankle is already flaring up so I doubt I will sleep in the next few hours anyway. My groceries came. They didn’t have all my powerade that I ordered. That was fine. I have enough to carry me through till the next month. It’s not summer anymore so I shouldn’t be going through it like I was. I finagled the fridge to accommodate the juice and my mother finagled the freezer to fit my tater tots. I had to make a few trips up and down the stairs because the guy forgot to deliver the water and for some reason, wouldn’t shut the doors. That part annoys me because the least they can do is shut them on their way out.

This cold is really kicking my ass, so you would think that I would be sleeping. I had to use some Flonase to keep my nasal passages open and to possibly help the running nose. I also took some Vitamin D to help my immunity with this respiratory virus. I really don’t want it in my lungs. Bronchitis sucks when you have a bad back.

My sister made a turkey soup with the left over turkey meat. It was really good. It was the only sustenance I have had all day, other than pudding pie. Tomorrow, I am going to work on the custard pie and eat my cranberry cake with coffee. Who needs real food with all these yummy desserts? I forgot to delete the cranberries from my grocery list so now I need a recipe for muffins or cake or something to do with them. I love my Nantucket cake but there is only so much love and I am the only one that eats it so I need to find something else to do with the cranberries. I put the bag in the freezer for now. I still have half a bag left from the cake I made. Too much cranberries.

I’ve had a mild headache for most of the day. I took some ibuprofen to quiet it down but it’s still there. I hope it’s not a prelude to a fever coming on. I really hate being sick with a virus that I just have to wait till it passes its course. It’s just so annoying because there is nothing to ease it really.

The pain in my foot and ankle is just gnawing at me. My defenses are down because of this cold and this pain is just pushing me to the limit of my patience. Not what I need when I am in a suicidal state of mind. This week is going to be hard. It will be the only week that I have to really end my life before the holidays. I will feel like a wimp if I don’t try. I am tired of fighting this battle day in and day out. It’s more than just fatigue and exhaustion. It’s downright depletion of everything that I have in me. Just a few more days to try my experiment and see if I can leave this world.