Category: depression

a new show on a hot day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicidality

A new show on a hot day

The Sox didn’t play the Yanks last night. Game was postponed due to Covid. Three players tested positive on the New York team. I was so bummed out. I watched a few episodes of Community. I once again had a difficult time sleeping. I kept waking up in the middle of the night. Around 530 I decided to empty my bladder thinking if I did, I would go back to sleep. There wasn’t much in my bladder but I was able to sleep until my med alarm went off. I stayed in bed for another hour before getting up to have my coffee.

I had to go to the pharmacy to pick up my meds so I did that. My mother wanted Sweet n Low but they didn’t have it. I ended up ordering it online. I wanted to watch friends when I came back to my room but it is no longer on Netflix. I saw the Queen’s Gambit and am hooked on it. It is extremely well done. I love chess so it is a good show for me. I watch three episodes back to back to back. I just took a break to have lunch and to write this blog. I don’t know if there is a game tonight or not. They are still doing tests.

I had a 2nd cup of coffee and feel wired. I hope it lasts so I can watch more shows. It is such a good distraction. I woke up this morning in pain but as I have been moving about, pain seems to have gone away. My ankle and foot still throbs, but it always does. I haven’t decided if I am going to shower or not. I hate taking a shower in hot weather when the house is a thousand degrees. I need to shave. I have been putting it off the last few times because I hate doing it. My back always cramps up after a few minutes and it is difficult to take a shower afterwards. Even while walking to the pharmacy my upper back was cramping like crazy. I got to see the PT about it. Maybe she can do some dry needling and fix it like she did my lower back.

Yesterday some people read my blog Don’t call me daughter 2 so I read it. It stayed on topic throughout so I decided to have it included in my book. I am up to 32 pages right now. My goal is to write at least 200 pages. I am writing about my trans and transition experiences.

I’ve been feeling depressed with intermittent suicidal thoughts. I read an article about a clinician who lost a patient to suicide 28 years ago. He talked about how after all this time, we still do not know how to prevent suicides from happening. It awakened in me the thoughts of suicide and the urge to carry on with my plan. I thought about my therapist and how she would react. Would she even care? Then I think about texting her and wondering if she would respond. I am not supposed to contact her in urgent situations. I am supposed to reach out to a hotline or go to the ED. Or I could just act on my urges and say the hell with things. Those are my choices. And only I can choose which one to do. It is a very lonely place.

day of appts

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Day of appointments.

Last night my sister was having some issues and wanted me to take her blood pressure. As I was getting the cuff ready, she asked me when my surgery was and I told her. She said she would be away then. I talked to her today about it and she is going out of the country so will not be able to pick me up. I didn’t want to reschedule so I asked a friend if she could pick me up and she can. So one hassle out of the way.

I met with my psychiatrist and he likes the idea of going on the SNRI Pristiq. He said he wants neurology to prescribe it though and then he will take over. UGH. I sent a message to the neuro after our appointment and am waiting to see if this is going to be a battle or not. We also talked about the gender dysphoria around my mother and how it was going. He was curious about the suicidal thought book I have and so I told him it was a good book. I am stuck right now but am working through it with my therapist. We talked about my insomnia and he suggested I try melatonin. I said I would. Not going to hurt any. Only thing that sucks it gives me a hangover the next day.

After my psychiatrist appointment, I had the appointment with the surgeon. She was very thorough and answered all my questions that I had. It went really well. I did have to have a letter from psych saying that I was mentally ok to have the surgery for my well-being. It was a standard of care thing that she needed to have. My psychiatrist sent it off right away after I messaged him. The surgeon is going to be in touch with my PCP about my pain meds. I hope he is receptive to her input.

I have a headache today because it is so fricken muggy. I watched a couple of episodes of Community. I had groceries delivered because I needed half and half. I bought a steak and had it for supper. It was really good. I also had some rice my mother made.

Sox are playing the snakes tonight. Eddie is on the mound so I will be listening. I had a second cup of coffee after I had supper. Just hope this headache doesn’t get worse. It will be good to listen to baseball again. I miss it even though it has only been three days. It is my chief distraction. I was reading the MLB history book I have. I read it during my insomnia last night. I find it so interesting how the teams were formed and how the National League and American Association formed.

being triggered and other stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, CRPS, depression, FTM, gender dysphoria, mood disorders, transgender

Being triggered and other stuff

I was reading Twitter today and there was a post where a mother said her son was being teased by another boy at the pool for being a girl. It brought back memories of when I was called a boy growing up but then people would say sorry I mean girl. It would always hurt me though I never said anything. How could I? I felt like if I did, I would be corrected and told I was not a boy because of my genitals. I had some vivid memories come back and it just made me sad that I had to hide myself for so long.

I wanted to go out today but it was too muggy. I should shower as I don’t remember the last time I did. I want to shave my beard off. I had two cups of coffee to ward of naps. There still isn’t a baseball game until tomorrow. I am going to have a black bean burger for supper.

I’ve been feeling blah today. I just don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I should go to Starbucks and write. I miss doing that and Starbucks has opened up seating again. I am fully vaccinated so I should go.

I just texted my niece as to when will I see her again and she said she is spending the night tonight. Yay! I get to hug her and see her for at least 24 hours. I miss her so much. My nephew has been such a grump since he is unemployed. He barely leaves his room to talk to anyone.

Tomorrow I am meeting with my psychiatrist and surgeon, back to back appointments. Going to be a little stressful. I got a list of questions for the surgeon. I have a countdown of the days till surgery and I am both nervous and excited for this to happen. I also need to talk to psychiatrist about possible med changes. I was going to ask to be put on Pristiq but it can cause nausea and I don’t want to be nauseous. I might just ask for an increase in the citalopram as there is room there for some increase.

I watched a YouTube video on a hysterectomy. I was a little grossed out at first but then was ok. I wanted to see what was done while the procedure happened. It wasn’t as bloody as I thought it would be but I know I am going to be wicked sore, to say the least.