Category: mood disorders

clusterfuck of a day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Clusterfuck of a day

Yesterday I spent all day in bed as my foot and ankle were competing as to who was going to hurt me more. I did the bare minimum of things and barely ate. I basically just left my room to eat whatever and use the bathroom. My mother was mad that I didn’t do the dishes like I have all week since she was sick. My sister did them but my mother wanted me to do them. Tough shit. My sister texted me saying that my mother’s sugar was low last night. I couldn’t move as I was in too much pain.

Today my back was sore. I think I slept the wrong way or the change in temp (it went up to 40F degrees) killed me. I stayed in bed most of the day. I made my mother dinner and then she wanted me to do the dishes. Tough shit. I just took some advil for my back. If it calms down, I will do the few that are there.

My therapist texted me yesterday about my statement. I apparently over paid him and had a credit of $210, that was not counting the $135 I sent him. So he is going to cash the checks and then write me a check for that amount. I basically don’t have to pay him again till March or April, if I continue to see him.

My mother is still sick and tomorrow is her birthday. I don’t think she will want anyone over the house. I have physical therapy tomorrow. I set my alarm as I haven’t been getting up early and I need a shower. I am going to tell the PT that I am giving her until the end of Jan to help me. So far nothing we have done has helped decrease my pain. I honestly don’t see the point in continuing when it isn’t doing anything. I hope I can see her tomorrow, provided my back isn’t flared like it is right now. Guess we’ll have to wait and see. I hate these flare ups. Sometimes they last a day and sometimes weeks. They generally go away on their own as I woke up with it. I didn’t do anything, least I don’t think I did, to set them off.

I got my medical insurance card. I need to call them to find out why it’s different than the one I had last year. Usually, if you want things kept the same, you don’t have to send them any paperwork. So I didn’t. Now it’s changed to a cheaper plan and I am not sure what that will mean. It’s still a PPO plan but I am not sure what it covers. I might have to go to the benefits office when I see my psych on Friday. Calling them isn’t going to get me anything but aggravated.

The pain clinic called today. I have an appt with them in February. Only thing is, it isn’t with an MD but a PhD, which can mean it is with a pain psychologist. I am not happy about this. The last time I saw a pain psychologist for a pain clinic, the MDs didn’t want anything to do with me and sent me off because this psychologist said that I would abuse or misuse my meds due to my sexual abuse history. Here it is 6 years later and I am on the same dose of meds and I am not abusing or misusing my meds, at all. I swear the system is rigged. I probably am going to have to have a few session with this guy before I see an MD for my pain. This just means I will suffer more while this goes on. I literally have to suffer another month before seeing this psychologist. Fuck. All because my PCP is a chicken shit. I just want to die it would be easier than going through this hassle. I don’t see a point in continuing.

Rotten day of pain and more pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

from the moment I woke up to now as I am writing this, my ankle and foot bones have been hurting me something awful. I tried to sleep all day but it didn’t happen. I was just in a sucky kind of mood. I am taking my night meds now and then I will be lying down, hopefully for the night. I have a bunch of things to say but I am too tired to write them. Maybe tomorrow.

trying to do chores with CRPS

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Trying to do chores with CRPS

I somehow slept through the night, once I went to sleep around or after 0100. I woke up 1 minute before my med alarm went off. I quickly cleared it before it went off and took my meds. Today is the start of increasing the new med, Vimpat, twice a day. I am now at 100 mg/day. I was feeling okay, pain wise. I stayed in bed and I think went back to sleep. My sister texted me saying my mother didn’t want to go to the ER to get checked out. I told her to threaten to call an ambulance but she didn’t. My sis wanted the number for the visiting nurse. I told her I would text it to her, which forced me out of bed. I went downstairs. I brushed my teeth and then got the number for my sister. My mother was on the phone and she sounded horrible. Her voice is shot to hell. Her cough is worse and her breathing is heavy, more than usual. I really think she should see her doctor so she can get on an inhaler to help her breath better and maybe some antibiotics to prevent pneumonia. She has emphysema and I think the virus is making her breathing so much worse. I will be home and I hope my mother doesn’t cancel when the nurse calls tomorrow. I will be very upset. I told her it is important to have her come to check her lungs out because she could have walking pneumonia.

I then made breakfast, my go to, egg McMuffin. Then I made coffee and think that is what caused my ankle to go berserk. My mother wanted tea and because she is deaf, I had to keep walking back and forth from the kitchen to the living room multiple times. I asked her if she wanted me to make a sauce as there was none. She said there was some in the fridge. There wasn’t. I found a container in the freezer so took it out. She made a list of things she wanted at the grocery store. I went through the paper and found some things I wanted. I put the list on my phone so I knew what to get. I will go later this week when my food stamps money comes in. My mother wanted my brother in law to take me but I don’t have the money right now.

I went upstairs after finishing my coffee. My mother wanted me to water the plants so I did that before I went upstairs. My ankle didn’t like this extra effort. By the time I got to my room, it was hurting and my foot was telling me to fuck off. I took my pain meds. I wanted lentil soup so asked my brother in law to get some before he came home. He said the grocery store parking lot was full and couldn’t find a spot. I told him it was okay. I would get some later in the week. I haven’t had lentil soup in a long time. It was about noon and I had to make supper around 4ish for my mother. It was going to be difficult so I just rested. I read some of the baseball history book. I timed myself. After about 50 minutes, I couldn’t read anymore and I couldn’t finish the chapter. I stopped where there was a gap. I goofed off on social media, going between facebook and twitter. I decided that any facebook post older than 3 days I would “hide”. It helped to get more recent posts. Around 4 I went downstairs to make the spaghetti and heat up the sauce.

My mother was not feeling good at all. I wanted her to shower but she felt too weak. I told my sister and she understood. After we ate, I took down the garbage and recycling. I finally got rid of the Christmas ham that was in the fridge and a few other things that were there for god knows how long. I also emptied the bathroom trash. My ankle was getting upset again. I went upstairs and relaxed for a bit. I had to do the day’s dishes. I got the brilliant idea of showering and then doing the dishes. I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking. Between my back and my ankle/foot, I was in rough shape. I was so mad at myself for thinking I could do all these things. I probably am not going to be able to do shit tomorrow. I have no idea if I will be able to sleep tonight. My pain is a 9 right now. I took my meds a little while ago and my right calf cramped up on me. I stretched it out by putting it on my bed and slightly leaning forward. I had trouble getting it off my bed. Then I decided to do the same to my left leg and last only a few seconds. My ankle was not having it.

I limped to bed and fixed my body pillow as it was bunching up near the headboard and trying to get on my nightstand. It is starting to annoy me so I am not sure how much longer it will stay on my bed. It is shaped like a U so one arm is dividing my bed into my sleep and office area. Problem is, I don’t have enough space like I used to and I feel kind of crowded.

So between making breakfast, coffee, watering the plants, making supper, emptying the trash and recycle, showering, and doing dishes, I am spent. I hope my mother feels better soon because I can’t continue to make supper and do dishes every night. I just can’t, it hurts too much. If I didn’t have chronic pain, it wouldn’t be a problem. But I am struggling just to make do to help my sick mother.

first Saturday blog of 2018, 6 Jan

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Freezing day

It is cold out, very cold. It is in the single digits. I woke up around 5 in pain. My foot was throbbing. I had to use the bathroom but couldn’t move. I guess I didn’t have to go bad as I went back to sleep. I woke up around 0830 and needed to go. I checked on my mother and was worried as she was sprawled out on her bed. She was having trouble getting up. I helped her up and then used the bathroom. My foot hated me. It felt like it was being crushed. My ankle was telling me to fuck off, too.

I managed to make coffee and breakfast. Just eggs and toast. I didn’t want anything more elaborate but then my breakfast is usually just eggs and toast anyway, unless I buy bacon. It’s been a while since I bought bacon. Maybe I will next week when it is slightly warmer out. After I finished eating, I checked on my mother if she wanted a cup of tea or anything. She didn’t so I went upstairs. I read Facebook for a bit and then Twitter. The orange buffoon was calling himself a genius for winning the presidency. Sometimes I swear he still thinks he is campaigning. Every other day he has something to say about Hilary and how “crooked” she is. Meanwhile 9 million children will have no healthcare, some schools can’t afford heat, and the poor become poorer but it’s totally “okay” that the rich become richer. Dumbass.

My pain just shot up in my foot. This isn’t good. Maybe I will watch Money Pit again. That movie is a good distraction. I would like to read a chapter or two on my baseball book. I haven’t touched it since Monday. I want to try and set a limit on my social media time. I am finding it hard though. It provides me with a needed distraction throughout the day. I got the radio playing as silence was driving me nuts.

Just heard on the radio that a woman in New York wanted a $1 scratch ticket but the cashier rang her up for a $10 one. Not wanting to make a fuss, she paid it and won $5 million. Lucky.

Don’t know what is more distressing. That I have severe suicidal thoughts at night and forget about them in the morning or having the thoughts themselves and not acting on them when I don’t want to live. It also is distressing the severity of realizing I had such thoughts. I don’t recall having severe pain last night so not sure why I was in such despair. I know I wanted to write about it but decided to sleep instead.

Pain has been high most of the day, in spurts of a few hours. Last night my cousin called me. I just hear his ringtone and it annoys me. It was 2130 and he wanted to talk. I wanted to sleep. I was tired. But to him he said that I was frustrated, irritated, etc. I told him, no. I wanted to go to bed. He then told me to call him today when I woke up. I told him I sometimes am up at 7 did he really want me to call him? He said no, around noon would do. I literally was on the phone with him for a minute and thirty seconds. Like what the fuck! Don’t be wasting my time having me call you just for you to tell me you go things to do and you got to work tomorrow. I don’t fucking care. If he calls tonight, I am letting it go to voicemail. Some days I don’t mind talking to him but lately, he just has been annoying as fuck. If he doesn’t get a hold of me, he calls my mother. Or he’ll call my mother to find out where I am, like why can’t he call me? Why does he have to bother her? I hate that!! He acts just like his mother, my mother’s sister, who I can’t stand.