Category: mood disorders

Saturday Blog 9 Dec 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 9 Dec 2017

Having a rough day. Was up till around 0530 because of pain. I had taken a shower and slipped twice. My ankle did not want me to stand at all for the lousy 10 minutes. I wish I could say the pain was worth it as I felt better and clean after the shower but didn’t like being up in pain all fucking night. I didn’t sleep well. I was up every couple of hours.

When I woke up in the afternoon because my ankle said so, it was snowing and my room was really warm. I went downstairs and my mother had the heat on above 70 degrees. Bitch. I lowered it. I made some frozen dinners and had ice cream then chips and salsa. I was kind of hungry as I haven’t eaten anything most of the day. I went downstairs to collect my walking boot and my mother wanted ice from my sister’s ice maker. I had to go back to the kitchen to get a bag. I was not fucking happy.

I collected the ice and my stupid brother in law was excited about putting the lights in the front. I don’t fucking care. He never replaced my ceiling fan so I am mad at him. I need a working fan if my mother is going to put the heat on high because she can’t put on a damn heavy sweater. Fuck. I am glad I am not paying the gas bill.

I went back upstairs and my ankle said fuck you. I was fucking heated. I am so sick of dealing with pain I am seeing red. The neuro never responded to my email about the new med not going through to the pharmacy. At this point, I don’t give a fuck.

I’ve decided to quit seeing the therapist I am seeing. I am just done with him. He isn’t helpful and I am tired of his analysis that leaves me with more questions than answers. I started looking for someone else while I was up in the middle of the night. I emailed three therapists that are close by. Hopefully one responds. It might be a while before they do as the holidays are approaching. Good luck to therapist #15, whoever you maybe.

I am so fucking tired. I took some more pain meds and an Ativan as I was really irritable. I was getting to the point of want to take out my aggression on my ankle with a sharp object. Think I am going to take my night meds early and try and sleep or maybe watch a movie. I don’t know. Reading is out because I don’t have the concentration for it. Guess my reading challenge is going to the toilet. There is no way I can read like 7 books in 3 weeks. I’ll be lucky to finish one book by the end of the year. I really want to finish Coraline. Maybe that will be my goal tomorrow. I am half way through the book so it should be easy if I don’t have disabling pain to distract me. I still have Tex by SE Hinton. That should be an easy book, too. So maybe 2 books by year’s end.

While I was up in the middle of the night, I was going over the documents that I needed to collect food stamps. And they have my name wrong!! I got to call them Monday and correct them because all my documents say my legal name, not my birth name. UGH. What idiots did that?? I had filled out the paperwork with G. I am so fucking mad. I am glad I caught it before I submitted the paperwork. Assholes.

baking day and subsequent pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Baking day and subsequent pain

I didn’t have a good night sleep. I woke up around 0330 and then every few hours. I kept on waking up in weird positions that were hurting my back. Then I woke up on my back and it was hurting. I got up because I had to use the bathroom. I then decided to make breakfast. I wanted to make cookies but I wasn’t feeling up to it yet. I went back to my room and my ankle was flaring. I didn’t do much to set it off, but then, you really don’t need to. I took some pain meds and waited for them to kick in. Once they did, I went back to the kitchen to get started on the cookies.

I baked okay. It was the first time making chocolate chip cookies. I was using my mother’s recipe. Only thing I can critique is that I didn’t space the dough on the pans out more. The cookies stuck together. I separated them after they cooled a bit. They tasted pretty good. My foot was aching and I was wicked tired. I needed a nap.

I napped for a couple of hours. I had a strange dream I was playing basketball at the place I did when I was a teen. I missed a shot and the ball hit the backboard. The ball flew almost over the fence but didn’t. I was tracking it down like a centerfielder. Unfortunately, the ball rolled under the fence where it was just enough space for it to roll. I went to grab it and it was like a toy grave yard. There were toys all over the place. I wanted to get my ball and continue playing but I woke up before I got my ball. I sat up when I woke up and that set off foot pain. It hurt really bad. My med app went off telling me it was pain med o’clock so I took my pain meds. My mother wanted me to wash the dishes. It wasn’t going to happen.

My mother called me asking me when I wanted dinner. I said I was in flare and wasn’t hungry. She hung up on me. Whatever she was making smelled good. I carefully stood up and it wasn’t too bad. I went downstairs and my mother was making pasta and some eggs and asparagus. I had some of each. Then my mother and I chit chatted. She got up to go in the other room to watch TV and she said I was to clean up the kitchen. I told her I was still in fricken pain. It doesn’t go away just because I rested. I wish it did but CRPS doesn’t work that way. Once you flare, you are flared! She pissed me off. She wanted me to put away the pans I used for baking and something else, so I said ok. There was no way I could stand to wash dishes. I could barely sit as it is. I asked her if she wanted a cup of tea before I left the kitchen. She said yes. So while the water was boiling, I put away the pans, which was a bitch because there was a cooling rack in the back that prevented the pans from going where they needed to. I had to get on my knees to get the stupid thing.

I brought my mother her tea and limped my way up the stairs. As I went up, she asked if I put away the pans. I said I did. Bitch. My foot just hates me right now. But the cookies were worth it. I was planning on making some cookies tomorrow but my friend, who I ordered an apron from, is mailing it out to me and should arrive some time next week. She wants me to post a pic of something I made with it. After making these cookies, I won’t be baking again anytime soon so I told her I would wait for it to come in. The dough and the cream cheese will stay good for at least a couple of weeks. I still haven’t figured out how to cut the dough as that is not my thing. I have to cut it in 20 parts and place it in a muffin pan with a well for the cream cheese mixture. It looks easy on the video, but might be difficult when I am doing it. We’ll see. I just hope I don’t burn them. That will suck.

I wanted to take a shower after I napped but pain prevented that from happening. I really want to shower as it has been days since my last one. Damn pain is making things impossible. I am going to try anyway. Pain seems to have settled down, some, while I was writing so maybe now is the time. I never know. I might hurt more but it’s close to bedtime so I don’t care.

short blog 3

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I didn’t have a good sleep. My foot was hurting and I just didn’t want to get out of bed. I slept most of the day. My groceries were delivered around 2000. After everything was put away, I had something to eat as I didn’t have dinner. I made a bagel and then had some multigrain chips with salsa. The bagels were good. It was Thomas’s oat and honey. I really liked them. I was disappointed that my tortilla wraps didn’t come in. I guess instead of making salad wraps, I will just have the salad.

I got the ingredients ready for tomorrow if I feel like making chocolate chip cookies. I’ll probably make them in the afternoon. It all depends on whether my pain is low or not. Right now my foot and ankle are killing me from going all over the house putting the groceries away. My mother gave me a kind of lecture. She doesn’t know where I got the money for the groceries and I am not telling her. It’s none of her business.

Last night I emailed my PT about my ankle pain. I was wondering if there was a tendon near my bone that got mad when I moved it and thus setting off pain. She said there were two bones and a lot of tendons. I would have to show her where the pain was so she could get a better idea of how best to go about treating it. She recommended warm compresses for a few minutes and then rubbing lotion in the area. I’ll have to remember this the next time it flares.

I did some stretching exercises. I didn’t do all but some of what she gave me yesterday. She said that I could move on from doing a few one day and then the rest the following day. As long as I was going some that was better than nothing.

I wanted to shower today but my ankle and foot were being finicky. I didn’t want to risk a flare so I didn’t take one. I will try tomorrow. I have to try and be better about it but when you are in a lot of pain, it is the last thing you think about.

physical therapy and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Physical therapy and other things

I didn’t sleep well. I kept on waking up with a crushing feeling on my foot. It was awful. I couldn’t do anything about it because I had already taken my pain meds and I didn’t want to take the strong pain meds because I had to be out and about by noon. I wasn’t in severe pain but it was just wicked uncomfortable and kept me from sleeping.

I finally woke up around 1045 or so, which left me 45 mins to get ready to catch the bus. I got up and my right leg nearly collapsed. My calf was hurting. If I didn’t have to go to the bathroom right then and there, I probably would have cancelled my PT appt. Once I started walking, my leg got better. I brushed my teeth after I used the bathroom. I didn’t brush yesterday as I just forgot to. I went back upstairs and I had to get dressed. It was cold. I then had the indecision on what to wear. I had several hoodies and sweaters. I couldn’t decide so just grabbed one. It caused an avalanche of the stuff on top. Great. I put things back and stayed for a while to make sure it wouldn’t fall again. A box I was saving fell so it went to the recycle bin as I left. I didn’t wear a baseball hat. I haven’t been wearing them lately. I guess with my hair being so short, none of them fit like they used to so will drop down and I’ve been getting annoyed having to constantly adjust it.

I went to the bus stop and waited. After fifteen minutes, my head was getting cold. I took out my knitted beanie. The bus came and there was no traffic at all. Quite unusual. I got to the PT place with 45 mins to spare. I checked my bank account and had a few dollars. I decided to get a donut as I was hungry. I should have brought the half sandwich from last night’s dinner but I wasn’t thinking. After I ate, I went to check in. My therapist came out as cheery as she is. She makes me laugh. She asked me how my pain was. God I HATE that question. How do you answer it when the “normal” pain chart doesn’t apply to you?? I just said a 7 as my foot felt like it was being crushed. She said that was lower than it was last time. (I last saw her in Oct, did she think my pain was going to stay a 9???) We talked about how things were going and she apologized to me about not letting the other PT at the brace clinic know my pronouns. She said it was a computer glitch and she corrected it as we spoke. She asked me what my sexuality was. I told her I am not sure. I love women and I am a transgender male so I am not sure what that makes me. She said once I am surgically corrected, I could be then in the male category of things. I said I understood. Unfortunately, until I do have surgery, I have to stay female in my medical records, just for my insurance to cover treatment and things. I found that out when I was researching how to change my gender on my license.

She started with some exercises as she felt it was time to move on in our therapy. Fine with me. She said that if any of them hurt, I could stop. So we went through different ones. One of them caused my upper back to cramp up so we definitely stopped that one until it settled down. She said it was because I was going it wrong or something like that. No kidding. She did say that my left quad was not having the same response as my right. I said that was most likely due to my weakness when the disc fragment was in my L3 nerve root. I told her about the cramping of my right leg calf and she gave me some exercises. I am glad she asked me how I was doing them because I was turning my right foot outward and it is supposed to be straight, with the toes facing the wall. OH, that was why I wasn’t getting a stretch. She also said that if I wasn’t getting a stretch to put a towel or something under the ball of my foot to raise the heel a little bit. Good to know. We tried different stuff to get the stretch of the various leg parts. She then wrote them down for me so I could remember how to do them. I probably will forget but she said I could email her with any questions. I really like that she is this awesome! She wanted me to see her twice a week but I got stuff planned the next few weeks so that isn’t going to work. She said as long as I was walking almost every day, that was the important thing.

I went to the pharmacy to fill my pain meds. I was dead tired and wicked hungry by the time I got home. The house was hot, which meant my mother turned up the damn heat. My aunt, cousin, and sister was over. I wanted some soup so as I brought it to the kitchen, I asked my aunt if she wanted some. Fucking lunatic then asked if I was trying to kill her. Who the fuck does that. I walked to the counter and then said if she didn’t want it, all she had to say was no, not give me an explanation or medical results of her cholesterol levels. Seriously, I don’t fucking care!! By the time I was done with my soup, my aunt and sister left. As hot as it was in the house, my foot because a brick of ice. I went up to my room to change into my PJs and threw on some thermal socks to warm up my foot. It was sweltering in my room. I turned down the heat before coming up to my room. There was no way I was going to keep it at 80.

I wanted to order some salsa with the chips I bought. When I open the app, I found that there were some changes to my cart. I checked what it was and they took off my shrimp because it was out of stock. I guess I will have to make the appetizers my friend showed me another time. The delivery will be tomorrow evening. I can’t wait to make chicken Caesar salad wraps. I also bought my cereal as I am all out. I hope the food lasts until my next pay period.

My neurologist still hasn’t responded to my email. I might call the office tomorrow and see if he is in the office this week. He might be off and that is why he hasn’t responded. I don’t know. I am hurting big time so I just took some Neurontin to try and settle the pain. I hope I am not up all night in pain. That would suck.