Category: mood disorders

sleep study, pain, and more pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sleep study, pain, and more pain

Last night I had the sleep study. It was a test my PCP ordered to rule out sleep apnea before prescribing me a longer acting pain med. I slept okay though I woke up a few times because I had to sleep on my back the whole time. My back didn’t like this. Around 0230 or so, I had to take some pain meds. Then around 5, I got pissed I was still in pain so I sat up. The tech that was working with me said I could sleep on my side. OK. I fell asleep and then she woke me up while I was in REM. I had about a half hour left for the study before she disconnected me. When she came in, I asked her when results would be available. She said 2-3 weeks! WHAT???!!!! Guess it will be another month of being in pain before I see a longer acting med. Fuck!

Starbucks was across the street so I went over for breakfast and an espresso. After I ate, I walked to the station to get home. I wasn’t in too much pain. I got home okay. I took a shower to wash off the stuff they put in my hair to hold the electrodes. I felt better afterwards.I then played around on my laptop while my phone charged. Around 9ish I was getting sleepy so decided to take a nap. All I did was lie down for a few lousy minutes when my ankle bone went nuts. Totally got severe pain. I popped my strong pain med once I was able to sit up. Even then the pain was not letting up. I still had a couple hours before I was to leave for PT. I emailed my PT on what to do. I waited an hour and a half for a response. When the pain got worse while I called my stupid neuro, I cancelled the appt. I couldn’t bear weight and the thought of waiting for the bus didn’t appeal to me.

The neuro had emailed me on Monday night to tell me his office staff was to fax over the new med he wants me on. Nothing was at the pharmacy all day yesterday or today so I called the office. He never printed out the stupid prescription. The secretary said she would print it out and leave it on his desk to sign tomorrow, when he is in. Fucking great. Bastard. I really don’t know why there is such an issue with this medication. I will find out when I go to the pharmacy to pick it up, probably on Friday. Maybe I should take this as a sign that I shouldn’t be on this medication.

My PT got back to me and she would like me to see her tomorrow. She doesn’t want to wait a week. I will give the office a call in the morning, provided I fricken sleep. She doesn’t have any openings on Friday. She said she doesn’t want me to come in if I can’t walk and also would like me to see if I can find an alternative transportation to come to the appts. There is a service that public transportation provides called The Ride. I just don’t know if I can afford it as Some months I don’t have extra cash. I need to find out how it works as I am not sure how it is paid. My sister was going to set it up for my mother so got some information on it. I guess it’s like $4-$6 per trip, but I don’t know if that is round trip or one way. I honestly don’t like to be in cars where strangers drive. Only exception is a taxi and I can’t afford that going intercity. It would be way too expensive. I don’t trust Uber as I keep hearing bad things about them. I also don’t like being stuck in traffic with a stranger. A bus is different as I can just listen to my music and not interact at all. I don’t know. There is no harm looking into it so I will go on the website later and see what I can find out.

My ankle is still hurting me like crazy. I am getting around okay, better than I was this morning when I was home. I used the walking boot for most of the day whenever I had to go downstairs. But unfortunately, a stupid delivery guy rang our bell so I had to go downstairs as my mother couldn’t. It wasn’t even for us, but for my niece. I was pissed. I got the mail though. Then I had to explain three times who was at the door. OMG my mother is deaf. She just either doesn’t hear you or just cannot understand what you are saying unless you spell it out. Drives me fucking crazy.

My brother in law tried to shut off my radiator yesterday before I left for the sleep study. Unfortunately it is still fricken on. I had turned the heat up as my mother was cold. I got back to my room and it was an oven, even with the damn window open. And I swear, if ONE more person tells me to open the window, I am going to jump out it to prove it is open! It has been open the last few weeks and it hasn’t done a bit of difference.

12 Dec and I’m hot as hell as well as mad

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

12 Dec and I’m hot as hell (as well as mad)

Around 2 pm, I went to my sister’s to get some lunch. My brother in law made some pasta last night so I was going to have that. I left my ceiling fan running. I ate and then went back to my room. HOLY FUCKING HELL. My mother had turned the heat up to 71 so I am roasting. There was a burning smell coming from the ceiling fan. Now I am stuck with just the window being open. It is not that cold out! I am so damn mad. I got to tell my mother not to turn the heat up so fucking high. I am also mad at my brother in law for not replacing the fan this weekend. He BETTER do it this weekend or I will hire someone!

I spent the morning getting my laptop in order. I successfully loaded the recovery disk for Win 10 onto my USB drive. I then called Canon to figure out how to install the drivers for my printer. It took about 10 mins and I was kicking myself for not thinking of doing what she said to do. That being done, the next project was reinstalling Office and then McAfee. Both took a long time to install. I have 6 GB of memory left on my laptop. I still need to install the program to play DVDs. Last night I wanted to watch It’s a Wonderful Life but couldn’t be bothered with installing a program when I needed to clear memory for the stupid recovery disk. The Dell support person said that Win 10 needs 20 GB so that the other 12 GB are, I have no clue. He kept telling me that the laptop was for email and internet videos. That doesn’t solve my problem of needing 8 GB for the disk recovery!! Anyways, everything is done now. I won’t attempt to reformat the hard drive until I have a new one, which probably won’t be until March as I have to get more RAM and Office 2016. I need to get Office 2016 first because dumb Office 365 will expire and then I won’t be able to use Word. Because I didn’t get a full 30 day trial, I will need to buy the download version, which costs more, because I don’t have time to have the PC key card delivered, whatever that is. I don’t know why a download version costs more than a stick. I might be able to find it cheaper at another site than Amazon or something, or used version. I don’t know. I will worry about it when my check comes in.

Tonight I have my sleep study. I am really nervous about it because I haven’t been able to sleep the past 4 nights till after 3 am. I sent a message to my psychiatrist about it but have not received a response. I kind of flipped out in that I became suicidal again. I have a date in mind that I want to end things. I don’t feel like it today but it is in the back of my mind. I really want to die to escape this fucking pain. My ankle went out on me, again, while I was in my kitchen making a cup a tea. When I went downstairs to get my brother in law’s pasta, I wore the AFO. I think I need to switch sneakers as the laces are really irritating the top of my foot where it is sensitive. I had to really lace up my shoe because it felt too lose after the modifications were done. I have decided that I am just going to wear my PJs that I am wearing now to the study and bring my sweatpants in a bag along with my meds. I’ll bring my journal with me to write so I can settle down. I hope I sleep a few hours because I really want to go to PT tomorrow afternoon.

I’ve been bad about doing the exercises. I have been using the app and just doing the calf and hamstring stretches. I have no idea where my notebook is that has the paper where the PT wrote down all the exercises I was to do. I just remember the stretches and not the other ones. I used the app this morning as I woke up around 5. I didn’t do too good because I was in pain. There is a test called context and I can’t get a good score on it no matter how many times I do it. I can’t distinguish right from left when the foot is in a weird position and in a boot or shoe. Really frustrates me.

AFO modifications and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

AFO modifications and other things

So last night was another night of no sleep. I was up till about 6 am or so. I woke up around 11 and it was good that I did because I have no idea what happened to the alarm I set. I had breakfast. I wanted to brush my teeth but my mother was getting dressed so left little room for me to do it. Oh well. By the time I finished having breakfast, it was time for me to go to the bus stop.

It was cold but no rain, thank god. And it looked like the T had shoveled the bus stop out so that was good. I got some Starbucks and then left to go to the UPS store to make some copies. It only cost me 35 cents. Score. Thought it was going to cost more than that. The only thing that worries me is that my birth certificate, which the stupid food stamp office needs, didn’t copy right. It has “Void” all over the page. I hope they accept it anyways. I was finally able to have my mother sign the letter that I am living with her, as her transgender son. She didn’t like that one bit but she signed the paper anyway. I will mail it tomorrow or maybe after my sleep study Wednesday morning.

I went to the brace clinic and the guy was late. I didn’t care as I had nothing better to do. I canceled therapy as I didn’t want to see him. He made some modifications to the AFO I had. It felt a little better but I had to really lace up my sneaker for it to feel comfy, even though it bothered the top of my foot. Here is a pic of what it looks like with the new band on it. Now that part won’t irritate my leg. He said it will take a while to know if this works. I have already put it in my mind that I will use the fucking walking boot like I did yesterday as it works best to keep my ankle stable and decrease my pain.

Last night, before I had the no sleep party, I decided to try and install my printer drivers on the new laptop. After 45 minutes, nothing. Had the same problem I did the first time I got the printer so I don’t know what I am missing. I got to call support to figure it out. Then I couldn’t sleep so I finished Coraline. Great book! Now I have 12 books to read by the end of the year. HA, don’t think it is going to happen. I also tried to make a recovery disk using my old laptop. Nope, not happening because the old laptop is a 32 bit system. I am so fucking frustrated I am ready to send back the new laptop and get a refund. Don’t know if that is possible, but I can certainly try! I then get an email from the Dell support person and he wants to know how it is going. I tell him I haven’t been able to load the disk on my USB drive and I followed the directions precisely. Maybe I missed something so I will try again at another time as I don’t have 8 GB of space on my “system” for the damn thing to do its job. I formatted a 64 GB thumb drive for these stupid recovery disks. Why the fuck they can’t send it with the new laptop, to make everyone’s life easier, is beyond me!! Oh and he said that Win 10 takes up 20 GB. So where is the other 10 GB or so??? I am so annoyed. I had to step back from the email before I threw the laptop out the window.

Emotional rollercoaster Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, disability, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain

well, let me tell you a little about my day. I wake up and text my bro in law who has promised to replace my ceiling fan for going on 3 weeks now. He says he can’t (after telling me he could last night) because he has to decorate his tree and then do snow removal. Okay. Another weekend of having a potential fire hazard but who am I to judge. I am mad because I go to his apartment for some English muffins as ours I had to throw away because of mold, and he is sitting on his rump, tree isn’t decorated and the snow isn’t removed. I was fumed.

I then watch a goofy sentimental video on twitter that brings dust to my eyes. I am overcome in emotion. I then decide to use the old laptop for some computer work. I plug in the stupid cord, foot goes berserk. I had enough and it’s only 3 o’clock. Now I am really crying as I know there is no controlling this pain like it has been going on the past 3 weeks or more. 😥

I went downstairs to have dinner before BPD chat. As I was walking toward the 1st fucking step, my damn foot explodes, again. I couldn’t bear weight. The cane was upstairs with my walking boot and my sister and her daughter’s were out. I started crying again. I sat on the stairs. My mother is telling me to sit on the couch and I yelled at her because I could walk the 5 steps to the couch. I just sat on the stairs, drinking the iced tea I made, wishing it was alcoholic. I was waiting for my phone to go off telling me it was time to take my pain meds, but I never set it. Took me more than a few minutes to collect myself and the pain to calm down enough for me to climb up the stairs.

Then I decided to join BPD chat. I was getting heated over someone who thought you can’t approach someone without training. Like what the fuck. I am not a professional but I always say I am available to talk to someone if they need an ear. I don’t have “training”, just compassion and empathy, which is all you really need. I was so fucking mad. 

Then I tried copying and pasting what I wrote on FB to a word doc and half of it goes through. So I’m now using my phone to write my blog as my new laptop sucks. Pain meds are kicking in and my damn mother has turned up the fucking heat again to heat stroke conditions. I turned on the fire hazard fan. Don’t fucking care anymore. I still need to fill my med box for the week. Dont know if it is worth standing for 15 mins or so. I’ll put tonight’s meds in a bottle and put it by the bed so I don’t have to get up again.

I’m emailing my psychiatrist and telling her I’m going to take 25 mg of Zoloft as my emotions are all over the fucking place. I have been really angry or just cry for no reason. I know there are reasons for it but since coming off the med, I cannot tolerate being so emotional all the fucking time. I have enough med to last me till June, I think, if my stomach can tolerate it. I’ll try to eat something with my meds to counteract the nausea but not sure that will work as it didn’t while I was in the hospital. 

I feel like yelling at my mother to turn down the fucking heat. I truly hate not being able to get around my own house, on my own two feet. It is making me really depressed. As I was sitting on the stairs, I was thinking maybe between my mother’s insurance and mine, we could get a stair climber thing. Only thing is, I’m not sure our walls are strong enough for the placement of the trolley. Plus our stairs aren’t straight down like you see in the commercial. It has a few curves.

One of my high school friends posted on Facebook about maple syrup. Think tomorrow I’ll make oatmeal pancakes. I love maple syrup but it is too expensive for me. Maybe my next grocery order I’ll splurge and get it. I did find out it can spoil so needs to be kept in the fridge.