Category: mood disorders

being cussed at by a limb is not fun

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Being cussed at by a limb is not fun

I did a lot of walking today. I went to the Square Starbucks for breakfast. Then I waited to catch the bus to the mall. I had a walk from the station to the mall and then had to walk towards the end of it to go to Lenscrafters. I wanted to get a pair of prescription sunglasses. It cost me a lot of dough but they were made within an hour and a half and I trust the quality. I am really happy with them.

I went shopping at TJ Maxx for pillows and I found two that seem adequate. As I was walking to the checkout, which was at the other end of the store, I saw some Sox T-shirts and got one. I walked to the Starbucks for a black tea lemonade while I waited for my glasses to be ready. I also went to the hat store and bought two new Sox hats. I feel like I am spoiling myself as I keep buying myself things. My wallet is suffering but I don’t care. Once the glasses were ready, I couldn’t decide if I wanted a cab home, take the train or take the bus. I opted to take the bus and then a cab home because the next bus wasn’t for 45 minutes and I didn’t feel like waiting. Plus I was hungry.

I walked home because it was cheaper to be let off at Walgreens than to take me home. I carried my stuff home and upstairs and I was exhausted. I made my ribs and wanted to nap afterwards but I needed to page my psych for a check in. I am still waiting for her to call me back. By this time, my ankle started swearing at me and then my foot and ankle exploded. All the bones on the outer part of my ankle/foot are throbbing intensely. I just want to sleep. I got hit with a migraine on the way to the mall so I am really needing a nap.

It was really warm today so I wore shorts. Surprisingly, my room is cool so I turned off the ceiling fan. I hope my psych calls soon because I really want to take a nap. I already called my mother to tell her I won’t be having dinner with her tonight because my ankle/foot are swearing at me. I just did too much in a few short hours. I won’t be going back to the mall anytime soon.

distraction writing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Distraction writing

For the past three hours I have been dealing with spasms and feelings of things crawling inside me. I took an Ativan for the spasms and hoped the crawling feeling would go away too. It didn’t then my ankle was really hurting me from the spasms so I took my pain meds. The crawling feelings went away. I must have been going through withdrawal as it has been some hours since my last dose of meds. I think it was more than 12 hours, not good.

Now I am in pain with my foot/ankle/toes. I am debating on taking the strong pain pill but I want to give my regular pain meds a chance to really work. It’s only been about two hours since I have taken it. I figure I would write because that helps me distract from what is going on with me.

My Star Trek: the Next Generation DVDs came. I am so excited to watch them again, though I am kind of nervous. My nephew was over the house and he asked if this was before Nemesis. I forgot that the series was over before he was born or just about over. He is too young to remember the show. I thought about watching some episodes after the game but didn’t want to binge watch and be up all night.

I ordered more pens from Amazon. I think I need an intervention of some kind. I am addicted to pens. I bought like 3 or 4 different kinds, this time multi-colored inks and fine point. UGH, I am going to be broke soon. Then I was interested in an article about safety planning so I bought that for $36. I thought it would give me access to other articles but it didn’t, just that one fricken article and that was it. I would have to pay another $36 if I wanted to look at another article. Fuckers. I wasn’t going to do that. I have a friend that is in school and can get me this article that I want. It came out last month so I just need to send him the citation information. Tomorrow I will print out the article I bought and read it over. I might blog about it, if it’s good.

My foot is showing no signs of quitting with pain so strong pain pill it is! I need to replenish my extra strong pain pills (Dove dark Chocolate) as I only have five left. I have been having at least three at a time, some times more if I am feeling indulgent. I love dark chocolate more than milk chocolate.

I plan on going to the mall tomorrow to buy prescription sunglasses. I think they have a Godiva shop there. If they do, maybe I can get dark chocolate bars from there. My hospital used to sell them but now they only carry milk chocolate. Bummer. I hate being in this much pain. I am having dark thoughts and am seriously thinking of ending things sooner rather than later. I am just so fed up with dealing with this bullshit day in and day out. I don’t know if I mentioned this, but I did get the prescription lidocaine that my doctor called in. I checked it out online to see if it was oil based or water based. It was water based so I got it. Dumb pharmacist. All they had to do was look that the package and read the ingredients. Dumb dumbs. I don’t feel like putting it on because the pain is all over the damn place. The spasms really fucked me over. I am glad I didn’t have my laptop on my lap because my legs were flying and jerking really bad. I hate when they get that way. I still don’t know why they do that. And it was both legs, usually it’s just my left. I am going to tell my psychiatrist about the crawling sensation when I talk to her tomorrow afternoon, or should I say later this afternoon.

I think I am going to sleep late today so I am not sure I will get to the mall like I want to. If I do, I want to get a new Red Sox hat. It’s been years since I bought one. I think the last one I bought was in 2007 or so. Long time. I am still mad at myself for losing my favorite gray Sox hat. Maybe I can replace it.

I am very tired but pain is fucking keeping me up. I wish I could lie down but my anxiety of pain getting worse is in the way. I don’t want to keep popping up because I can’t lie down because of pain. I took a lower dose of Neurontin because it was late and I didn’t want to be sleeping all day. My foot is also burning right now. So many different types of pain. Every. Single. Night. I can’t stand it. It really depresses me.

Nice day and better mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Nice day and better mood

Yesterday I was swimming in despair and today I felt like I was on top of the world. It’s like night and day. Unreal. I hope my mood stays up. I really don’t want another low low. I went out twice today. I went to the post office and was dressed to warmly. I came home and changed to shorts and then caught the next bus to the square. I had a caramel macchiato and a java chip frap. I was going to work on my blog project but my mind was all over the place. I mostly just wrote in my journal.

It’s a BAD thing to have the Amazon app on my phone. Last night I had a hard time sleeping despite being drowsy around 2130. Around 0300 I am buying pens. I must have bought seven different kinds of pens, all the same ink, all the same brand but different points. I wanted to replace the Jetstream sport pen that I bought but I couldn’t find it. I have only 2 pens left in the box. I write a lot with them. I try alternating my pens so that each has their fair share of writing but I have favorites so I might use one pen style more than the other. I really like the sport. I am going to have to Google it to find it.

After Starbucks, I went to the butcher’s shop to buy some burgers and fish. My mother wanted fish for tomorrow so I got it. She might not be happy with the price but I don’t care. It’s been a while since I had cod and I want it. It’s my money anyway. I paid like eight bucks for it so it wasn’t that expensive.

I wanted to have ribs today but I just couldn’t bring myself to make it. I had a frozen dinner instead. I had bought two packages of ribs because they were on sale. I’ll probably make it tomorrow. I bought the burgers for the weekend. Maybe I can bribe my nephew over and we can watch the game while eating them.

I feel like a shitbag because I haven’t finished my blog project. I haven’t touched it in over a week now. I don’t know what my problem is. It’s not that difficult but I just can’t find the motivation to read and take notes. I guess when you have these self made projects with no one giving you a deadline or pushing you but you it’s hard to do. I am going to try tomorrow but I am not sure. It’s supposed to be 70 degrees tomorrow and I want to go to my spot to see if I can walk there and back. I have to call my psychiatrist tomorrow afternoon for a check in. Hope my mood stays up so I can do things.

Last night as I was feeling kind of low, I decided to buy the complete series of Star Trek: the Next Generation. I think it will do me good to watch the show again. I really miss the distraction it provides. I just hope I don’t dissociate or the voices become out of control. That was one of the reasons why I had to stop watching the show, it made me psychotic and delusional. But it’s been years since I have watched it so I am hoping nothing will happen again. It might just feel like coming home. I miss the show so much. It was the first show where I knew all the actors and actresses by name and character. I had a crew picture on my wall in my bedroom as a teen when the show first came out. I also read the books. I had a pretty good collection going, my favorite authors being Peter David and Michael Jan Friedman. The other authors weren’t as good and were hard to read or were just plain boring. I actually had the pleasure of meeting Peter David at a con in Boston some years ago. He is pretty funny.

Protected: plans and dates

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

This content is password-protected. To view it, please enter the password below.