Category: mood disorders

fricken frustrated about things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, transgender

Fricken frustrated about things

I know I kind of did a lot today. My pain levels were up and I took meds to bring them down. Then I got up to get something and when I went back into bed, my pain shot up again. Now I am having nerve pain. I am so damn sick of being in pain all the damn time.

I was writing to a friend today about how things have been for me the past few months since the cops showed up at my house and how my blogs have basically not been the same. My writing has changed to not be so suicidal and to be honest about my true dark feelings. That I keep for my journal. I have to write and blogging was an outlet for me but some jerk ruined the experience for me. I still don’t know who that person was or how they found out where I lived.

I am just so frustrated by being depressed all the time and not getting relief from it and then add in chronic pain and it’s a recipe for disaster. Yet some how I am still here despite not wanting to be. I must have thought a half a million times tonight alone that I should just end my life. But I can’t do that to my psych. We are coming up to almost 25 years of working together.

The friend that I mentioned earlier wanted me to enter a writing contest for the organization I once belonged to. I told her that I did but didn’t win the first year they had the award. I had written about my experience of being suicidal because of being transgender. It wasn’t until I was in my thirties that I came to the realization that at least 85% of my suicidality was because I was in the wrong body. It took me another year or two to put together that having menses really fucked with me and caused instantaneous suicidal impulses. Once my menses stopped, I no longer have that great suicidal urge once a month. It sucks that I have to take female hormones to stop my menses but it is what it is, for right now.

The only thing stopping me from becoming a man is my mother. She will not understand it at all and the rejection would kill me. I would die as her daughter rather than her son. I do hope to change my name legally sometime this year. It’s something I wanted to do last year but something came up and I was not able to go ahead with it. It also is a lot of money that I need to save up for. I am hoping that one of my paychecks once I get caught up on bills I will be able to go to the court and file the paperwork needed to do it. This is something I have been dreaming about for years. I have always, always, hated my birth name. Course there have been different names that I have wanted. Alex and Mike have been the few names that I thought I wanted but I got used to people calling me G or GC so decided to stick with those lines. I still have not decided, fully, which of those initials to go with. It’s hard.

book pile and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Book pile and other things

The picture above is of the books to be read. It’s mostly hardcovers so it’s a heavy bunch and I fear it is going to topple over. The pile was higher until I opened my window a few months ago and the pile collapsed when I went to move the hamper behind it. My ankle is hurting so I am not in the mood to adjust the pile so it doesn’t fall. When I take my meds, I probably will adjust it as I will be up anyways. It will be scary to hear a thump in the middle of the night should it fall.

I changed my bedding and it was a hassle. Once I removed the dirty sheets (easy part), I had to readjust the foam topper to it wasn’t falling off the side of my bed or shrinking down to the bottom of it. I don’t know why it moves so much. My last one didn’t. It’s just annoying. Then I had to put the clean sheets on. Getting the fitted sheet on was a bitch. I’d put one corner on and when I put another corner in, it would pop out. UGH. I hate putting sheets on the bed. I had to rest after everything was settled with just the fitted because my back hurt. A friend wrote me an email so I decided to respond to it while I rested.

Now that I have my sheets changed, I am resting. I made burgers for lunch and dinner. I had to use the meat up before it went bad. I kind of let things burn a little as the burgers were thick and I wanted it well done. I stunk up the house with the grease smell. Oh well. My mother went grocery shopping and I helped put away the groceries. She had the job of putting things in the freezer as she is a better organizer than I am. I just put away the perishables like ice cream and milk. I also put some freezer stuff in the basement freezer as the fridge one was full.

My mood has been all over the place today. It’s pain related. I woke up with a Neurontin hangover and needed coffee badly. After I had my burger, I made coffee. It was good and made the hangover go away. Then I started the task of clearing my bed off so I could change my sheets. I still don’t get how shit accumulates on my bed. I need to stop it and keep my bed clear. I feel better when it’s not cluttered. My room is cluttered enough as it is. I really need to either get another bookcase or put shelves on my walls. I would love to put shelves in but not sure I could do it myself. I might have to have my brother in law help. He is good with that stuff. I would have to make sure the weight is good so it doesn’t fall or break the wall. My mother would kill me.

My pens were finally delivered today. It made me happy for a little while. I love the colored pens. I hope they don’t skip like the other ones did. That bothers me when the ink skips. It is so annoying. I had a pen that I thought needed to be refilled so I bought refills for it. When I went to change it, there was half a barrel of ink. I must have just put it down just to know where it was. It’s one of the earlier pens that I like and I love the color of the barrel so want to keep it. Most of the pens I bought are refillable. I like that with these pens.

pens and nerve pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pens and nerve pain

The other night I couldn’t sleep because of pain. It was like three in the morning so I went shopping on Amazon for pens. They didn’t have the ones I was looking for and I ended up buying like $50 worth. There were like 5 or 6 different kinds of pens, all black ink but the same brand that I like, Uniball Jetstream. They were supposed to come today but there was a delay for some reason. Now I don’t know when I am going to get them. I ordered some more pens the next day, different colors this time and fine point. I usually go for medium point but I liked the style and the colors so I got them. I am crazy about these pens.

The past several hours, I have been dealing with nerve pain in my foot. I had physical pain in my ankle. Then it moved to my foot and it changed to burning. I felt the bottom of my foot where it hurts the most to see if it was hot. It wasn’t. It hurt to touch it. I took a large dose of Neurontin. Hopefully I can sleep through the night.

I was talking with a friend via text about different things. We both suffer from depression so were exchanging our troubles. We both love the Star Trek universe. It was fun talking to him. I told him I recently bought the Star Trek: The Next Gen complete series. I still haven’t watched a single episode. I am not going to watch the pilot episode, Encounter at Farpoint because it’s lame and I have seen it a million times. I keep meaning to watch it but I am still scared of dissociating or the voices coming back to haunt me.

Speaking of Star Trek, Canada has or will be coming out with new Star Trek stamps. I will buy them when I find out when they come out. I bought the first set. It will be cool to get the second set. It’s of the entire Universe so it doesn’t focus on the Original series. I think the movies might be in this collection but I am not sure. From what I saw in the promo pic was the captains of each series. It will be cool to have them.

My foot is giving me grief so bad right now. I can’t stand it. I just hurt so bad. I already took a strong pain pill and my regular pain meds. I shouldn’t be in pain or at least, I should be sleeping. I might have to take an Ativan to relax as I am getting keyed up because of the pain. It’s just annoying me and I can’t settle down.

Tomorrow I plan on changing my sheets, which will be an all day affair. Of course, it all depends on if I am awake enough to do it. Usually when I am up late, like I am now, I am sleepy for most of the day, no matter how much caffeine I drink.

Saturday Blog 82

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 82

I realized last night that I forgot to buy my monthly T-pass yesterday while I was out. I headed to the square and got my espresso. I decided to bring a book with me and read for a while. I noticed there were shuttle buses going to Harvard and was kicking myself. I couldn’t get my T-pass at the Square. I finished my chapter and then took a bus to another station. You can only get the pass at train stations. While waiting for the bus, I bumped into a former co-worker in the lab and we chatted for a bit. She just retired and I congratulated her on it. She is a really nice lady.

I took the bus and it made every fricken stop along the route. I was getting aggravated. I just wanted to do what I had to do and then go home and eat. I decided I was going to take the train home because it would be easier bus wise.

I am feeling a little better than I was yesterday. I was in horrible pain for most of the afternoon and evening. I did too much walking around and will not be going back to the mall any time soon, unless I have a ride. My sister freaked out because I spent so much on my prescription sunglasses. I told her because I have the progressive lenses, they cost a lot. She didn’t get it. Least I have it for the summer. I really love the frames. I wore my one of my new hats today. It’s 80 degrees out so it came in handy to block the sun.

Now that I am home, I am kind of hurting. I really didn’t do much walking around or standing. So frustrating that I can do the slightest activity and then hurt afterwards. It really depresses me. As I was telling my psychiatrist yesterday, I have a hard time just laying low all the time and sometimes even if I do, it will bring on a flare. I made dinner for my mother and I. Now I am exhausted and want to go to bed but it’s only 1830. Sox are losing. They gave up the lead so I am pissed. I just would like to have at least two games in a row won. It doesn’t seem like they will ever have a winning streak, but it’s still early in the season. Maybe April is not their month. I know it’s not mine.