Category: mood disorders

Saturday Blog 79

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 79

My sisters, their kids, and I went to the race track to commemorate my father’s anniversary today. We didn’t spread his ashes like I thought we would because it was too cold and rainy. My sisters and I had no idea how to bet on horses so my youngest sister asked someone. She got the general idea and I couldn’t care less. My sisters bet and they won. We had a few appetizers and drinks (non alcoholic). Then we left because my nephew had to get to work. It was an experience I don’t care to experience again. It was loud and noisy, things I don’t like.

I never made my gravy because I had a hard time sleeping. Around 0230, I woke from a dream with a thud. I thought my mother fell so I rushed to her room. She was sleeping soundly so I must have dreamt the thud. I couldn’t go back to sleep right away. It took nearly two hours for me to settle down. I woke up around 10 and didn’t have any motivation to cook, shower, or brush my teeth. I just went to the bathroom and then went back to my room. I got hungry so I figure I might as well brush my teeth before eating to do something. I then made coffee to try and stay awake. I made the coffee perfectly but I was still tired.

Walking around the place at the track was no good for me and my ankle. I was hurting so bad. I couldn’t wait to leave so I could take meds and rest. I made a TV dinner for supper as my mother had leftovers. Tomorrow we are supposed to see my aunt. I hope I get some rest because I am sick of waking up in the middle of the night for no good reason or because of pain. It just makes me miserable for the rest of the day. I really need to make the beef I bought so I need energy to cook. I hope the visit with my aunt isn’t a drawn out affair. Last time I was totally exhausted after the visit.

My ankle is throbbing so bad that it is making me feel on edge. I feel physically sick because I am so tired of being in pain. I just want to cry. I feel like the slightest thing that goes wrong and I am going to explode. I am glad I don’t have to deal with anyone tonight because my nerves are so shot. I might take an Ativan to relax me some. I hate feeling keyed up for no reason, though being in pain is a reason. My tolerance seems to become less and less with each day that it’s so bad. All week I have been dealing with it consistently. I just want a break from it and I just can’t seem to get one.

Painful Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Painful Friday

I woke up in pain, again. Normally, I can “ignore” it and go about my day but today it was really bad. I still tried to do things, like make breakfast, brush my teeth, cook lunch but it was at a cost. I didn’t go out today because I just felt really bad. Around 1400, I was getting sleepy and debating on getting dressed to get espresso. I decided to make coffee instead. It was good and it kept the drowsiness away, least for now.

Being in pain has darkened my mood. By noon, I wanted to kill myself really bad. I had to take a strong pain pill because the regular pills didn’t work and the pain was worsening. I tried to go back to sleep but I hurt too much. It’s really exhausting being in pain. I felt like calling my psychiatrist but I didn’t want to worry her.

I have been on Twitter most of the day, waiting on the outcome of the healthcare vote. They should be voting on it now so results should be in soon. I hope they don’t vote for Trumpcare. It doesn’t sound like it will cover anything useful and will just cost people to be more broke than they already are. The vote is in: they have shut it down! ACA stays!! Whoohoo!!

The therapist I called earlier this week still has not called me back. I am going to call her again on Monday and see if I can see her. Otherwise, it’s back to square one. I am getting more and more depressed with each passing of therapists. I find it hard to believe that between a radius of 5 miles, no one is accepting new clients. It is so frustrating.

Today’s my father’s birthday. I posted somethings on Facebook to remember him. Tomorrow my sisters and I are going to a track to spread his ashes. The weather is supposed to be warm. I just hope it’s not windy. That will suck.

My mother is making pasta for supper. I haven’t had it in a while so I might eat it. I am not really hungry as the coffee killed my appetite. Tomorrow I need to make my gravy early as we will be going out in the afternoon. It should take 2-3 hours to cook so if I get up by 9, it should be done by 12. I can’t wait. I love making gravy. Pasta was on sale this week so I bought a bunch of what I like. I will have it tomorrow night. I am not telling my sisters I am making gravy or there won’t be any left for the week! I am not planning on making a big batch as I don’t have that much meat. I still need to go to the butcher’s and get hamburgers. I will do that on Monday. I hope my ankle pain is down by then.

did a lot but didn’t

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Did a lot but didn’t

I woke up before 0500, again. I didn’t want to take anything to get back to sleep because I had an early morning delivery. Luckily, I fell back to sleep within an hour or so. Then my alarm went off and I felt worse. I kept an ear out for my text message and my delivery finally came around 0930. My neighbor had ordered some stuff too, so they delivered to her place first. It was freezing out and like a dummy, I didn’t wear a long sleeve shirt. I froze while waiting for the guy.

I put all my yummy groceries away. I was very tired afterwards. I wanted to eat something but sleep over came me. I went up stairs and crashed. I woke up around noon or so. I called my mother to see if she had taken anything out for dinner. My phone had problems connecting to a landline. It was pissing me off so I used my mother’s phone to call her. She didn’t take anything out so she will have my Shepard’s pie.

I didn’t do much the rest of the afternoon. My ankle was really hurting so I took a strong pain pill. I was in and out of touch with reality. Time went by in a blur. My mother called me a little after 1500 asking me when I was going to start cooking. I told her in a half hour. It’s a simple recipe so wouldn’t take me long to cook. I had everything done by 1630. After we finished, my mother said I had to do the dishes. Fuck. I hate doing dishes and there was a sink full. I rested as much I could before I was getting sleepy again. I almost took a bath while washing the damn dishes and pans. My back was not liking me standing and neither was my ankle. I hurried as fast as I could.

I finished and then went upstairs to rest again. Except my ankle exploded and then got cold because my room was cold. I had the window open all day because my room was a sauna. Now it’s nice and comfortable but it was too cold for my foot. I shut the window and the ceiling fan then threw on my thermal socks. I figured I might as well write before I went back to sleep. I am really tired for doing nothing most of the day.

I never got a call from the therapist I called yesterday. It’s putting me in a dark mood. I got a text from my former therapist saying she got my book, finally. My head is just missing someone to talk to at this point. I really need someone to vent to about my pain, someone understanding and gets it without trying to fix me or suggest things. Dealing with pain the last two days straight has not been good. I’m not suicidal, yet. I just can’t handle the amount of pain that I have been in. Lying down has made things worse so resting has been difficult. I get relief while I sit up. A few times, I have caught myself falling asleep because I am just so tired.

Tomorrow is my father’s birthday. I need to call the church to see if we can have a mass for him near his anniversary that is coming up next month. I wanted to have funds in my account in case they needed a donation or something to do it. Saturday we are going to spread his ashes at the track. I know he would have liked that. Sunday we are planning on seeing my aunt, if she is up for it.

I didn’t get my dark chocolate almond milk with my grocery order, but I got regular almond milk. I plan on having my cocoa pebbles later tonight. I was going to have them after I put my groceries away but I was just too tired. Even now I am feeling wicked exhausted. I just want to sleep. Think I will take my night time meds and call it a day.

no sleep and a lot of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

No sleep and a lot of pain

I woke up at 0300 and didn’t go back to sleep at all. My check came in so I bought my groceries and paid some bills. I took a shower as I was in minimal pain. I waited an hour for the next bus to the Square so I could get my espresso and breakfast. I wrote for a couple of hours and then I left to go to my PCP’s office so I could get my prescription. My ankle started hurting but it wasn’t bad. I was getting tired as I had been up so early. I went back to the Square to get my haircut.

I got a nice cut and then I took a cab home as I just missed the bus. I went to Walgreens to fill my prescription. I was getting sleepy so figured I would nap when I came home. My ankle was throbbing but not too bad. Until I laid down to nap. Then all fucking hell broke loose. I have been in pain since 1500 and haven’t been able to quiet it down. I took two strong pain pills and some Ativan to get to sleep and I am still awake. The pain is a 20 on a scale of 1-10.

I feel physically sick because I am so sleep deprived right now. I had to take a Zofran so I wouldn’t throw up. I am so tired but I am kind of wired because the pain is so bad. It’s got me thinking bad thoughts. I think if I didn’t have my grocery delivery tomorrow morning, I might do something. But I won’t. I want to but I just can’t. I am so sick of this shit. I can’t take my regular pain meds for another hour.

I plan on taking my night meds soon. I think that will be the final straw to knock me out for the night. I think I am just so overtired that I just can’t sleep. Doesn’t help that my fucking neighbors are working on the house and are hammering away constantly day and night. My mother turned up the heat so my room is a sauna again, even with the ceiling fan going. I might have to open the window but it’s really windy so I don’t want to. Temps are supposed to drop severely tonight. I don’t care, I rather be cold than hot. I was having a blast as I had to put on my long sleeved t-shirt and thermal socks because I got cold before the heat kicked on. I didn’t mind being cold. But I have to protect my feet because they will cramp on me if they get too cold, especially my nerve damaged one.

I have no idea if I am making sense or not. I feel like I am just rambling. I hope I can wake up in time for the delivery. I will set my alarm as they are coming between 0730 and 0930. I rather they come that early than me wait all day for them. I want cocoa pebbles soon as I put everything away. I have been dying for that cereal for two weeks. I hope my ankle is feeling better tomorrow because I want to make Shepard’s pie. I love it. And my mother does, too so she can have dinner with me. Ativan is hitting me pretty hard so I will stop here for now. Until domani.