Category: mood disorders

just a blog about nothing important

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Just a blog about nothing important

I’ve been sleeping for most of the day. Only time I have left my room was to use the bathroom. I haven’t eaten anything but a protein bar and I think that is all I am going to eat today. I just got no appetite. I am in pain so I took some pain meds. I ended up taking my trilafon late because I didn’t wake up till after 1500. I don’t care, as long as I take it, that is all that matters.

I keep having heavy thoughts. I see my psychiatrist in two days. I haven’t emailed or spoken to her since last weekend. I wanted to share my blog with her that I wrote last night but it was password protected and I didn’t want to bother her with that. I could have just pasted the blog in an email but I didn’t feel like doing that either. I just feel like I am in a rut that is going downhill and I can’t seem to stop it.

My mother is playing her idiotic dice game that is aggravating the shit out of me right now. Nothing like hard dice hitting a glass table top. The sound is annoying. Wish she would just go to the living room and watch her TV shows. She had called me asking what I wanted for dinner and I told her I would make the hot dogs that I didn’t make last night. I might make them later if I feel like it. I really don’t want to leave my bed right now.

I keep thinking about what I plan on doing next week. A lot needs to be done. I just hope I don’t chicken out. That will really suck. I guess a lot depends on how my appointment goes with my psychiatrist this week. I talk with my therapist next week but it will be our last session. I have decided to end things with her because she is in no position to do so. She wants to have at least three sessions to terminate and I don’t see the point of that. I miss seeing someone weekly but I don’t want to be in therapy. It sucks not talking to someone every week, other than my psychiatrist. I wish my psych could be my therapist. Then I will have it made. But she doesn’t do therapy.

I am fretting over my decision that I have made in the coming week. It is not a sure method and I have my doubts that it will work. I am scared though. I would go into detail about it but I think I will just write in my journal my fears. I have been meaning to write in my journal every day since the start of the year but that hasn’t worked out too well. I have skipped a day here and there or sometimes more than that. Doesn’t matter. I have my blogs that I have written every day, sometimes a few times a day.

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by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

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Random 630

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 630

I did some errands today. I took a shower this morning. I didn’t go to the Square because I made coffee at home. I didn’t feel like making my way there anyways. I was still tired and I didn’t want to stress my ankle so just did the errands close to home.

My sister went to the pharmacy last night for me to pick up my prescriptions. I couldn’t go because I was hurting too bad and still trying to catch up on sleep from being up 20 hours the day before. I still am hurting now that I did everything, including making my mother dinner. I also made another cup of coffee because I didn’t want to nap. The coffee took away my hunger so I haven’t had dinner yet. I might order Chinese or I just cook the hot dogs that I took out. I haven’t really decided. I probably will when I get hungry.

I read some Dostoevsky. I am still trying to work through Brothers Karamazov. It’s been more than a year that I have been reading this book. It just seems to go on forever and because it’s a Kindle version, I really have no idea how much is left on this stupid book. I have to go by chapters and look them up online to see where I am. I have about 20+ chapters to go. I am getting there but it’s difficult because some chapters are long and some are short, and others are just like “where the fuck is he going with this”??? During my father’s illness, I had stopped reading altogether and with the depression being bad, there was nothing I could do. I fell so behind in my reading that my challenge was pathetic and I had to decrease it by the end of the year. This year it won’t matter, though I signed up for one anyways.

Other than the pain that I am in now, overall it hasn’t been that bad today. My ankle has swelled up. But there is nothing I can do about that. Icing it just makes the pain worse after I take it off. Pain is manageable now. I don’t know if that will change in the next few hours. I hope not. I really could use a night off of pain.

having a painful day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Having a painful day

I didn’t go to sleep till around 0930 this morning. I had been up all night, minus about 1.5-2 hours of sleep, until pain woke me up from a sound slumber. I did sleep for about six hours, when my pain meds wore off and I needed more. I also needed food as I just had some toast with some coffee for breakfast. I ordered a cheeseburger with onion rings. It was good and now I don’t need anymore food for the day.

While I was waking up, I stretched my feet and that proved to be a disaster. My left ankle hated it so bad it caused me severe pain. I don’t know why I did that. Now I am trying to get the pain under control again. I feel like I should be making preparations for my death in a few weeks but I can’t stand so there goes that idea. I will have to make it some other time. I still haven’t worked on my will yet. It’s almost ready, I just need to add some closing remarks.

Last night I watched Schindler’s List. I forgot how gruesome the movie was and inhumane. I pray to all the gods and hope that this never happens again. I could only bear to watch Part 1. I’m too tired to watch the end of the movie tonight so I will probably do so tomorrow night. I didn’t want to give myself nightmares because I know the end of the movie is worse than the beginning.

My mood has been neither good nor bad today. I am just too tired to gauge it. Of course, the feelings of wanting to die are still present. I swear the level of pain dictates how bad the wanting to die urges are and today they are great. The pain is the highest it has been in a long time and with me having no sleep last night, at all, I am just vulnerable to my dark moods. I haven’t emailed my psychiatrist and don’t plan to. Why worry her. I see her Friday anyways and things might change. I doubt it, but there is always that sliver of hope that I cling to.

There were errands I wanted to do today that obviously never got done because I needed sleep and also pain relief. I had my sister pick up my meds at the pharmacy because I can’t walk, least not today. If I get enough rest today, maybe I can do the errands tomorrow.

My foot and ankle are throbbing up a storm right now. I don’t know which is more painful, my foot or ankle, and frankly I don’t care. I hope to sleep soon even though it’s only 5 pm. I just can’t keep my eyes open anymore.