Category: mood disorders

just don’t have spoons today

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Just don’t have the spoons today

I had another aggravating therapy session. My therapist was talking heavily into my pain and I finally had enough after twenty minutes or so. When I said I wanted to talk about something else, she asked why? I told her because this was Psychotherapy not pain therapy. Then she went on about how my pain is influenced by trauma and my anxiety and suicidal thoughts. Well, why weren’t we talking about that then?? So annoys me that she thinks we are talking about one thing and she is talking about another.

Then to make me really lose my patience, she had the audacity to say that I stigmatize myself. I asked her how do I do that. She says because I tell her that I am worthless. I lost it. It’s a goddamn symptom of depression for crying out loud not a stigmatization. I told her we weren’t on the same page today, at all. To make my fucking day, she says that I should see another therapist as a therapist and use this therapy as an adjunctive therapy. WHAT??!!! She still thinks, in her mind, that finding a therapist that is closer to me is the solution to the problem. Yea, her problem.

By the end of session, I was exhausted. I had wanted to go to Starbucks and have my cake but I lost whatever energy I had. I just wanted to sleep. I took another pain pill with my trilafon and read Twitter. I got bored with that so I decided to read “Dark Tide”. I have one chapter left. I will save it for this evening. I didn’t make coffee, but I did have my cake. It was really yummy. The chocolate chips added flavor to it that was incredible. Of course, chocolate makes everything better.

I saw chicken on the counter so I thought my mother would be making it for dinner. She came home from shopping and didn’t want to make it. We had cold cuts instead. Other than the cake and the sandwich, I haven’t eaten anything else all day. I am really hungry but I am trying to control myself. I think I will have some crackers with cheese.

My protein shakes came. I have one in the fridge to have tomorrow to try it out to see if I like it. I hope I do. It doesn’t have a lot of calories like I was hoping, far less than say an Ensure. I talked with my therapist about this diet and she flipped out. Another reason why I lost my patience with her. I can never have a discussion around my eating habits with her. I swear she thinks I am anorexic or something. It really bothers me.

dentist, baking, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Dentist, baking, and other things

I went to the dentist this morning. I wasn’t spared a cavity and need to go back tomorrow morning to have it filled. UGH. He also told me that I need to brush better on my back molars or I will get another one on my back tooth. Trouble is, that area always makes me gag so I am careful to avoid it. Now I will have to take Zofran before brushing my teeth or something. I hate getting my teeth drilled. I’m glad I went as I was sure I was going to have to cancel because of the weather.

It snowed but it has pretty much cleared by the time I had my appointment. The streets were wet but not icy as the temp had climb up a little bit. I was sweating by the time I reached the office building with my heavy sweatshirt and jacket. I didn’t wear the jacket on the way home. I was too warm and the office was really warm. I needed to cool off some.

I still plan on making my cake today. I need to rest right now as my ankle is being a brat. My right ankle was hurting as I was walking for some reason. That pain has gone away, thank god. I can’t have both ankles hurting me. That will so suck. I need the pain meds to do their magic before I start baking.

I took a nap for a couple of hours after I made some breakfast. My niece was pounding on the back porch door and woke me up. My mother wasn’t home yet so I had to go downstairs and let her in. I thought it was odd that my mother wasn’t home as she left early this morning. Then I remembered that she had a funeral to go to and those usually last all day. I had just started making my cake when she came home. The cake came out awesome and I put chocolate mini chips on the top of the cool whip. I need to let it cool completely before having a piece. I will probably have some tomorrow.

By the time everything was said and done, my ankle was barking at me. I even sat while mixing the cake so I don’t know why it’s so angry. It’s so damn finicky. I had emailed my psychiatrist sometime before going to la la land last night but haven’t heard back from her. I didn’t sleep well as the stupid strong pain pill made me dopey and only let me sleep for two hour intervals. It sucked. I really didn’t think I was going to wake up in time for my dentist appointment but I did. I hope tonight is better. Least now I know that when I have that slicing, piercing pain to take the strong pain pill because the regular pain meds just aren’t going to cut it.

The tank is about to rupture!!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, reading

The tank is about to rupture!

I have been reading “Dark Tide”, a book about the molasses flood in 1919 that occurred in Boston, since yesterday afternoon. I am at the part where the tank is about to collapse and 2.5 million gallons of molasses are to flood Boston’s historic North End. Apparently, after a shipment of warm molasses were delivered on cold molasses, gases erupted and I think that is what caused the collapse. I am just guessing as I haven’t read that far yet. But I am interested in it none the less.

I think I am going to lower my reading challenge goal to 23 books because that is what I can realistically read over the next three weeks of December, if I am able to read one book a week. Reading five just doesn’t seem to be realistic. I hate that I didn’t accomplish my goal of 40 books but there is always next year, if I don’t suffer a serious depression like I did this year. I think I am beginning to recover from it, though I am still feeling “weak” as if from a long drawn out physical illness that saps your strength. I don’t know if my suicidal tendencies will return or not. But then, I haven’t been in bone crushing pain the last two weeks that have driven me to the brink of suicide.

There is snow in the forecast so my ankle is being an asshole right now. I have been able to tolerate most of the pain today, better than I did yesterday. It’s just an annoying type of pain that digs into me and makes me want to tear my ankle off. Or at least give it a damn reason to hurt. I think it’s very unfair that after resting for hours, I wake up in the same kind of pain I went to bed with. I know this is mostly because my pain meds have worn off but give me some leeway for crying out loud! It used to be that resting my ankle actually brought it relief. Now, not even that works. How the hell am I supposed to combat this pain?? Just annoys the ever loving Christ out of me.

I got into a silly argument with my niece tonight. I texted her I loved her and she texted back that No, I love you. We went back and forth about how we loved one another, both saying no sah and silly things like that. I thought it was funny. I love my nieces and nephew more than anything. They really are my world. I wish sometimes they can hold me to this world when it’s dark and gray but the blinders are so damn heavy, I just don’t see their love for me, the true love they have for me. It’s different than the love I have with my therapist, though right now, that love is pretty shaky.

I was able to shower today. I was getting really stinky as it’s been days since my last one. It’s so hard to stick with a routine for one when your pain is so unpredictable. I try to take one every other day but that hasn’t been working out for me. I tend to wait until I have no choice or I have an appointment that requires me to go out. It’s easy with my therapist being on the phone because then I don’t have to be “clean”. But I can only do what I can do and if that means not showering for more than a couple days at a time, so be it.

A Chilly Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A Chilly Sunday

I woke up not in the best of moods. I wasn’t in pain, yet, but just had disturbing dreams that left me wondering what they were about. Then someone sent me a message just to chat and pissed me off because it was so damn early in the morning. Sorry but I am usually not up at 0630! When I did get up, I had to go to the bathroom. My mother was in it so I had to wait. More grumpiness ensued. My mother had the tea kettle on and it went off while she was in the bathroom. After I finished doing what I was doing, I turned off the kettle and decided to make some coffee. I didn’t feel like eating yet. I didn’t really want the coffee but the water was hot so figured what the hell.

Came back to my room with my coffee that wasn’t very good and started reading. I had to charge my phone because I left it off during the night. I hate when I do that. But I was so tired last night, I just wanted to sleep.

The book I am reading is called “Dark Tide”. It’s about the molasses flood that occurred in Boston in 1919. There was plenty of warnings before the giant tank collapsed but of course, upper management didn’t heed the warnings and just plainly ignored them. This was all before the tank actually collapsed. I had heard about the flood but didn’t know much about it until now. It’s all interesting to me, learning about this. The author is great and makes it interesting. I already read two chapters and plan on reading a few more before this evening. I’d like to get through this book this week. I have five books I need to finish before the end of the month for my reading challenge. I don’t know if I will be able to do it, but I will try.

A high school friend started a 21 day liquid diet. It sounds pretty simple but the stuff is wicked expensive. I am going to try it to see if I can actually lose weight and keep it off. The goal is to be within 1,000 calories/day range, which will be perfect for me as I am so inactive. I am doing some research on it before I start it, though I just bought some high protein shakes. I plan on getting more at the vitamin shoppe when I get paid as waiting by mail might be a problem, if I order online. And if I don’t like it, then I am stuck with the stuff. My brother in law has a nutribullet so I can use that for making shakes if I can get a good recipe. I know most of it will be trial and error.

I had to go to the basement freezer for some things. Before I start my diet, I want to make my pumpkin cake. I was glad I went because there was a tub of cool whip. YAY! So now I can make it tomorrow. The trip to the basement and helping my mother around the house caused my ankle to flare up. I had my pizza and am now resting my ankle for the rest of the day.

I have a dentist appointment tomorrow morning. I don’t know if I will go to Starbucks afterwards or just come home and make the cake. I guess it will depend on how much I want espresso. I need to take a shower some time either tonight or before my appointment. I have to wait for the flare to calm down a little bit before I can stand long enough for a shower. I decided to try and increase my baclofen to twice a day to see if it helps with the pain. I am supposed to take it three times a day but I am really bad at taking meds during the morning. That is why I have an app to remind me to take my blood pressure pill otherwise, I’d just be taking it once a day, which would not be helping my blood pressure.

It’s supposed to snow later this evening and into tomorrow. I hope that by the time my appointment rolls around, it has stopped and the roads are somewhat clear. I have to go up an incline sidewalk to get to the office building. It will be harder in the snow.