Category: mood disorders

6th of Dec

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I went to my “happy” place today and got my espresso with soy milk. I then wrote in my journal for a bit. When the last remaining drops of espresso were drunk, I headed over to Chipotle for dinner. I wasn’t hungry so I got it to go. I thought I had timed the bus right but I didn’t and had to wait twenty minutes. It was cold and windy so I stayed inside the bus depot/shelter. On the way home, I called my mother telling her I had dinner and to eat without me.

I had stinking therapy today and my therapist is the biggest idiot there is. She thought I was going to overdose on my pain medication because they were CNS depressants. I know she isn’t an MD so I can’t completely fault her. Most of the medications I am on are CNS depressants, which is what I was referring to. Even when I clarified, she still thought I was going to take my pain meds. Sorry, as much as I would love to kill myself that way, I love my liver a little too much. The Tylenol in my pain meds would surely wreck my liver before killing me and that is not how I want to go. If I did, I would be buying the 500 count of Tylenol and hope for the best. Idiot.

She then couldn’t find a therapist in my town for me but did find a few in the town over. No shit. If there was a good therapist in my town, I would have found that person by now. She still has this idea of meeting with someone face to face will solve my problems. Don’t get me started on that because this blog would turn into a fucking book on the ridiculousness of that notion.

I have decided that if I get admitted and discharged before my birthday, I am not going to let my therapist know about it. I plan on resuming conversations with her in the new year. Seeing as the hospital is all electronic, I don’t see how they can notify my therapist as she doesn’t have email nor does electronic anything. If they call her, then I am screwed, but I don’t think they will.

Damn, my legs are thawing out. I didn’t think it was that cold out and I had decent jeans on. I picked up the last of my prescriptions so I should be set until January, which I am not looking forward to because I will have to pay copays. My insurance premium is also going up by twenty bucks. Fucking sucks. I got to email my psychiatrist in a little bit to check in with her. I haven’t heard from her all day so I am guessing there isn’t a bed available yet.

I took a shower this morning and aside from going out, that has been all that I have done. I am exhausted like I have worked all day. But I did have an early morning awakening so that doesn’t help. I can’t remember the last time I slept till 0600 at least or past that hour. Seems the only time I am able to do so is if I go to bed at 0300 or later. Pain sucks. I was talking with one of the pharm techs today and she said she wanted to wrap me in bubble wrap. I wish that would help, but it wouldn’t. If it did, I wouldn’t need two pain medications, well actually three if you count the Neurontin. Least the 2 pm pain cycle has stopped, for now. That was a terror I don’t want to relive.

I made friends with my first love again. I am a sucker for her, I really am. I can’t help it. I care very deeply about her and we had been friends before we became lovers so it’s kind of hard to stop being friends. Every time we pick up, it’s like no matter how much time has passed, we pick up where we left off. She has her mental illness issues and medical issues that are worse than mine. I feel bad that I can’t do anything about it just like she can’t do anything about mine. But we are there for each other and that is all that counts.

Up Early again 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Up Early again

I woke up at 0330 to go to the bathroom and then couldn’t go back to sleep. I had some messages on my various apps so I checked them. One of the blogs I read had another blog from a different author so I decided to read that but it was so boring that I had to stop reading it half way through.

I woke up somewhat congested so I took my nasal spray to clear up my nasal passageways. It has been a few days since I last used it. I am supposed to use it every day but I forget sometimes. My ankle started flaring up soon as I got back to my room so I took some pain meds for it. Now I am just waiting for it to make me sleepy.

I feel really depressed. I know it’s because I keep dealing with physical pain more than anything. I just can’t get away from it and it’s really bringing me down. When I met with my PCP last week, I had to have him tell me I wasn’t an addict because the voices were harping on me again about that. He told me I wasn’t and I felt reassured. He understands that I am a person in chronic pain and need medication to relieve that pain. He really is a nice doctor. He is younger than I thought he would be, not that it matters. Sometimes they get these new doctors and you think they are older because they are new. But he was young. I hope he sticks it out with the practice.

Being up this early is going to ruin my whole day now. I am going to be sleepy. I wanted to go to the Square so I could get a burrito at Chipotle. I would have gone yesterday but I was too sleepy. I don’t know if I will be going to the hospital today. I got to wait for my psychiatrist to get back to me. I need to take a shower today because I haven’t taken one since Friday morning. I always tend to lose track of when I shower because it isn’t one of my top priorities.

I’m glad I checked my bag for T-shirts because I had only one packed. That wouldn’t do. I put in three more. That should be plenty for me. I also need to pack my coloring book and crayons. I think it would be nice to have them with me. I have decided that when I get discharged, I am not letting my therapist know. I will talk with her in the new year. I don’t care. I need a break from her antics.

I think I need to take an Ativan. My ankle is really hurting and it’s bringing my anxiety up. I hate when that happens. I haven’t decided how I am going to tell my mother I am going to the hospital. She always freaks out when I have to go in. And I always get the “whys”, like I don’t need to be in. She is not very understanding of my mental illness. I just hope when I get to the unit they don’t take away my shoelaces. Some units do that and it really bothers me when you have to re-lace your sneakers.

I hope that because I am in the hospital where my psychiatrist is, she can visit me. I would really like that. I just realized that because I will be in the hospital, I won’t be having any caffeine. That is really sad. I hope I don’t get a headache because of it. Those kinds of headaches suck.

random 154

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Random 154

I went to bed at a decent hour because the meds knocked me out. Then I woke up at 0100 and went to sleep two hours later. I had enough and sent my psychiatrist an email. I asked her how I was to get to the unit she wants me on. She is trying to get me a bed for tomorrow or Wednesday. I haven’t done much today except sleep. I planned on making myself something to eat around noon but that didn’t happen. I ended up falling asleep and not waking up until my mother called asking me what I wanted for dinner. She made fish and chips. Then I had a couple of muffins and toast. Now I am full.

I haven’t texted my therapist all day. The last text I sent her was last evening saying I was “high”. I have no idea why I texted her that. I was loopy as anything from the strong pain meds. It was like I was drunk but I hadn’t been drinking. I hate that feeling.

It snowed today. I must have missed the weather report on Twitter. I had no idea there was snow in the forecast. Seems this week is going to be shitty. I just hope that I can get to where I need to go without delays. I need to take a shower and cut my fingernails. Hate doing both, but it needs to happen. I also got to check my bag to see if I have T-Shirts. I don’t remember if I packed them or not. All these little details that go into an admission. I hate it. There is no guarantee that I will have my phone. I have no idea what kind of unit they have as I have never been on it. First time for everything, I guess.

Other than the blog world, I haven’t told anyone but one friend that I am going in the hospital. I am glad that I am going to one in Boston rather than the other hospital I went to in May. It’s just more convenient transit wise. My doc said that I might have to go through the ER to get a bed. I don’t know what they will do for me, but at least I won’t have my medication, all of them, at my disposal 24/7.

Man, I started this blog a half hour ago and took my pain meds. Now I am feeling the effects of it. I’m ready to go back to sleep. Least I am not in as much pain as I was. I think the strong pain pill broke the cycle of severe pain that I was in. I am glad because it was driving me crazy. I don’t take the pill every day or even every other day. Just when I can’t stand the pain anymore or the regular pain pill isn’t working. If I had known the meds were going to work this quickly, I would have waited a little longer.

I’m hoping my psych gets back to me before my therapy appointment and tells me to go to the hospital so I don’t have therapy. I really don’t want to talk to my therapist. Least being in the hospital will give me a much needed break from her. I know she will be happy not to have sessions with me. I am sure my suicidality has given her nightmares.

current situation

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I haven’t been in a good mood today. My ankle is hurting me and has been for most of the day. I finally caved in and took a pain pill after I had a big lunch and a second cup of coffee. Then my cousin, who is visiting from Texas, called. I knew he wanted to see me and sure enough that was the reason for his call. I tried explaining to him that I was in pain and couldn’t walk. He wasn’t listening and it pissed me off. I am not going two houses down the street to see him. I can barely walk around my kitchen much less walk the short distance to my aunt’s house.

I tried watching my Pats but lost interest when it was close to halftime. I like watching the updates on Twitter. I want to email my psych and ask her if I go into the psych ER tomorrow, will I be admitted to the unit she wants me at or will I go to the other hospital. I need a break from myself. I feel I should page her to talk it over with her but I know if I do, then things might be set in stone and I hate that feeling of being pushed in the hospital. I just worry that if I don’t go to the unit my psych wants me to go and I end up elsewhere, I am not going to get my pain medication the right way because it’s not written the way I take it. I am so frustrated that this issue still hasn’t been taken cared of.

I did some reading today. I didn’t get as far as I would like. I kept getting distracted. In the book, the author was writing that John Hay became friends with Henry Adams. It reminded me of the book I read that was written by him. It would be a nice book to re-read. However, I have no idea where the copy of the book is. I went looking for it and it’s not where I thought it would be, so it could be anywhere. I will probably find it when I am looking for something else.

Great, my toes are now painful. I didn’t get to sleep last night until 0300 and then woke up around 0800. Not enough sleep. I was in a lot of pain last night which is why I was up as well as having PTSD symptoms, which didn’t do me much good. I am glad I am not napping because my brother in law is taking the Christmas stuff downstairs and he is making one hell of a racket.

I emailed my psychiatrist about my current situation. I didn’t discuss going to the hospital because what the fuck are they going to do with me besides watch me every 15 minutes. They can’t do anything about my pain and I am just fucking frustrated that the idea of being in a ward without access to my meds when I want them is just too much for me to take right now. I am going to take the strong pain pill and be dopey the rest of the evening. I don’t care. Maybe I will sleep. If my asshole cousin calls again, I think I will tell him to go to hell. And he better not come up my house because I really don’t want to go downstairs right now. I have started crying and am a weeping mess.