Category: mood disorders

Sunday Blog 17

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 17

We had two hot dogs left so I made them for lunch. This saved me from having to go to the grocery store to buy them. I woke up in the afternoon and badly needed coffee. I had that before the hot dogs. I am awake, for now. I think I might have a go at reading Adler today. I am feeling like I can tackle it. The game isn’t on till 1900 today. I thought it was on at 1600 but that is the Cubs game. Boo.

I woke up really early this morning that made me take strong pain meds and my regular meds as my ankle was just flaring up. It started acting up while I was waking up this afternoon but luckily the pain went down after I started doing stuff, which is odd because it never usually does. It usually hurts more when I try moving around.

I watched “My Summer Prince” last night. It was a good movie. Surprisingly, I stayed up the entire two hours to watch it. It was cute, funny, and romantic. Marina Sirtis was really good and so was my other favorite actress, Lauren Holly. I was tweeting throughout the movie and Lauren Holly liked one of the tweets. I was shocked. I saved the tweet on my phone.

I really need to shower today. It’s on my to do list. I think I will after dinner. I would have taken one last night but I was really tired after the movie. I didn’t want to wake up so I let it go.

Today is my therapist’s birthday so I texted her early this morning. It’s also the last day Pearl Jam is performing at Fenway Park so I have been playing Pearl Jam all day. I love them.

The coffee buzz is wearing off so I think I will hop in the shower while I still have some energy. Otherwise, I might not take one till tomorrow.

Kind of in a rut

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Kind of in a rut

I have been in serious pain the last two day and it has been affecting my mood. I feel hopeless that this onslaught will continue and that I won’t get any relief. I just took both my strong pain meds and regular pain meds because I just don’t know what to do anymore. I figure maybe both can knock out this cycle that I am in and give me some relief.

I have been thinking about ending my life again, because of this pain. I feel trapped by it and no one wants to help me with it. But then, there is nothing that hasn’t been done. I have tried PT, ultrasound therapy, shots, immobilization, etc. and nothing has helped. I haven’t really done anything the last few days and it flared up on me. All I have been doing is sleeping! How is that hurting myself??!!

Soon as the weather cools down some, I think I will end my life. I am tired of going on like this. I am still not sure if I can walk to my destination, but isn’t that what cabs are for? I just hope he/she knows where they are going. Of course, my biggest fear is being found as I will be in a public place. It is mostly deserted though, so I think I will be okay. I just hope that I have enough meds to do the deed. I am 1 mg short of a full lethal dose. I hope it won’t matter.

Saturday Blog 59

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 59

I woke up early this morning, in pain. My ankle was really bothering me. I took some pain meds and went back to sleep and pretty much slept until the afternoon. I had nothing planned so I could sleep. I thought of making coffee but never did and it’s too late now to have a cup.

I have been tracking the game on Twitter. They are losing 3-0 right now. Last night they won 9-0. Bats have been silent today, so far. I hope they comeback.

There is a movie on tonight with Marina Sirtis. She is the actress that played Deanna Troi in the Next Gen of Star Trek. I plan on watching it tonight with my mother. Don’t know how that is going to go down. I just hope she puts the fan on as it’s really hot in the house and I won’t be watching it in a hot room.

It’s really hot in the house despite the sun going down so I don’t know if I will be watching the movie. It’s nice and cool in my room. I am not one to watch TV shows anyway. But we’ll see.

I just took my meds and filled the box up again so I don’t have to do it tomorrow. The voices have been quiet but they still look at what I am doing and call me a junkie when I take my meds. That is the new word for me. I have been taking the trilafon at night or close to evening times than during the afternoon. It seems to be better but if I am out and about, then I will take it earlier. As long as I don’t get agitated, I seem to handle things ok.

I haven’t done any reading today other than the chapter I read while waiting for my pain meds to work this morning. I just can’t find the motivation to read today. I follow the author SE Hinton on Twitter and she was showing all her books in her shelves. She has quite a lot of books, more than I do. But then, she is older than I am so has been reading longer. I hope one day to have a room where there are a lot of bookcases to store my books and journals. She has her books arranged by subject. I just have mine where ever I can find a spot for it. Eventually, I would like to keep all my suicide books on the same shelf or bookcase. I have quite a lot of suicide journals and articles that needs a home. If I was organized and had a little of OCD, I bet I could get things done.

The Sox did lose today. I am not happy as every game from here on in counts toward the playoffs. It will really stink if we have another bad year or come so close only to lose. I am just glad we didn’t lose because of the long ball (home run). That would have been worse.

Lazy Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Lazy Friday

I woke up before noon and made coffee. Then I made breakfast/lunch of a bacon and cheese sandwich. By the time I finished that, I was exhausted. I needed a nap and seeing as I wasn’t going out today, I napped. My mother called me around 1600 to let me know dinner was ready. I must have slept for at least 2.5 hours. I was having weird dreams so I am glad I woke up.

I didn’t do anything today. I went to bed really late last night as I just couldn’t sleep. I was reading well into the wee hours of the morning, which is why I was so tired today. I think I will read some Adler when I go retrieve the binder when I empty my recycling bin. I haven’t been outside all day. Mostly just been in my room.

The Sox game is on late tonight and probably will be all weekend. They are on the west coast and I hate the games because they are on so late, which means I am up late watching or hearing them play. Last night’s game went to extra innings so didn’t get over till after 0100. I was wired by then, whether the espresso I had earlier in the day had something to do with it, who knows. I tell myself I am not going to watch it then I do then I regret it as I am up all night.

I was reading three books last night. I started with Dostoevsky. Then I decided to read some Lawrence Block. In the wee hours of the morning when I couldn’t sleep, I decided to read a book about fieldstones in writing. It was annoying me so I had to put it down and then I finally fell asleep. It was a good book to let your mind wander about things as you are trying to sleep. I have a friend that uses this “stone method” in her writing. It works for her. Unfortunately, I still haven’t found my niche for writing. I just go on the fly. Whatever comes, comes and if it doesn’t, I really don’t give a shit.

While I was in the kitchen this morning, there were several flies on the screens. I thought they were outside but they were actually in the house. I played fly swatterer for a while before I cooked my breakfast. It was kind of a fun game. I still have no idea how they got in the house. They are gone now though.