Category: suicide

a painful day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide, suicide attempt, writing

Woke up today in pain. It should have been a sign not to go out today but it was such a beautiful day out I decided to go out anyways. I got my coffee at Starbucks, my West Java which tastes like a little chocolate coffee. I started journaling but got bored so decided to write a letter to my therapist about how I feel about our last few sessions.

I feel like she has been blowing me off when I tell her I am suicidal. The most she can say is go into the hospital instead of trying to work through it. And that just pisses me off because the hospital is NOT the fucking answer to being suicidal. She doesn’t use the pain scales or even use the SSF’s when I get suicidal anymore. I think I am barking up the wrong tree. I don’t even know if she is taking me seriously anymore. I have not thought how I would kill myself but I just know that I want to die. I am trying to write this all down but my head is still half asleep because I took a pain pill before leaving the house and it makes it hard to concentrate. And the music today in Starbucks was a little louder than it normally is so I was being distracted very easily and could not focus on what I wanted to write. So I texted her that I wanted a check in, not to tell her all this, but just to tell her I am having a hard time. I hope she calls me but then we have an early appointment tomorrow so she may not.

On my way home, a three wheeled stroller got on the bus next to me. On my way off, my bad ankle couldn’t clear the wheels and I sort of tripped. Just fucking great. I now am in really bad pain and I have a golfball swelling on my ankle bone. I just iced it, took another pain pill, and put on the compound mixture of different meds to try and get it to calm down. So far, the pain is down a notch but that is all. I am screwed. I know tomorrow I am not going out as I need to rest it. All because I wanted to get a coffee at my favorite coffee house.

Today I finally learned how to print a PDF from my new laptop. I really didn’t want to have to switch laptops to get it printed. But control P works! The article I printed was about CAMS, Collaborating Assessment and Managing Suicide. It was a nice article that summarized the breakdown of how it evolved and where it stands now. I love this idea and I wish my therapist would open her pea brained mind just a little bit to let this in but noooo. I don’t want her to become a suicidologist, just to open her mind a little about the current trends out there that might be helpful to me. Is that too much to fucking ask??

My safety is kind of in question at the moment. I really want to slice open my ankle to let the swelling out but I don’t think I will get anything more than just blood. I would have to cut pretty deep to get to the root of the swelling and cutting deep would mean stitches. If that happens, I am liable to end up in the hospital. I don’t want that. I just want the swelling and pain to go down. Ice has not helped. I get to ice it again in an hour or two. I know part of the reason it hurts is because it is swollen. There is not much space for swelling to happen down there and it hurts when there is fluid build up. I was hoping that compound might shrink the tissues but it does the opposite with one of the ingredients. It brings blood to the surface to absorb the stuff. I can’t tell if it helps. I only have used it twice so far.

No ball game tonight so I will be bored. Maybe I can get some reading done. I have not been so great at that. Facebook games have been distracting me. But seeing as I will be laid up for a while until the swelling in my ankle goes down, I think reading will be good, as I got like a 1,000 page book to read. It is called Team of Rivals and is about how four people became the republican nomination for presidency in 1860, and also about Lincoln and the war. I have not ventured too far in the book but I am making headway as I am at page 150. It is easy reading though I cannot read too long because then my eyes do a weird thing that makes things double. I feel like I could use another cup of coffee. I am so tired but I don’t feel like going downstairs to get it. It will put too much of a strain on my ankle.

piece of glass in the heart

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide

Been in a numb mood most of the day. I tried to explain to my therapist what I was feeling and that I wanted to be left alone and she asked what does that mean. I told her I just wanted to deal with things on my own and she didn’t buy it. She wants me to write but I have no interest in writing. I just write these blogs to have something to say and maybe get something going but it hasn’t been working. I have been hoping my blog would open up what is inside of me but for the past few weeks I don’t feel like it has been doing much good. I know that people from around the world have been reading the stuff I wrote about Cauda Equina. Today Germany read my blog. I feel like I am an international writer.

I just feel like crap inside. I can’t really explain it. Today was the memorial service for Sean Collier, the MIT police officer that was shot to death by the bombers last week. There still has been no motive for killing him. I have been choked up with tears. He was so young and I envy him being death. I would gladly take his place if I could to ease the suffering of his family. I have been crying most of the day, and not little sobs. Just big crying for no reason. The news of his memorial service was the beginning and then I just cried. I couldn’t hold it in. Course this was after my therapy appointment. I don’t know why I am crying so much. My therapist says that I have PTSD, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, because of the events of last week. I know I have some symptoms of it but I don’t think it is full blown. I just am scared still. I know the people have been caught but there is no guarantee that there is someone else out there planning to do the same thing, or worse.

In addition to the crying, I also have been numb. I just don’t feel anything. I have been trying to get in touch with my feelings but it is no use. I am out of touch with them. I know I am depressed. I also have been thinking about death again, if anything just as an escape of what I am feeling. I feel numb but it is a hurting kind of numb. It’s hard to explain and I know that doesn’t make sense. How can being numb hurt? I don’t know but I do hurt inside and it is wicked deep. If I stop to think about it I can’t breathe. It’s too overpowering. Like Casey James described in one of his songs, it is like a piece of glass in the heart.

cold and rainy day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide, transgender

Just had my session with my therapist and now I feel really down. I thought that talking about the week’s events would help but instead it just brought me down. I am supposed to go out tonight to have dinner with friends. I really don’t feel up to it. I can make the excuse of my foot bothering me but I need to go out. I have to stop spending so much time at home.

I don’t know how I became such a hermit. I guess having nothing to do all day will do that. I need to take a shower today. I have decided that I will take one every other day. I took a pain pill and now all I want to do is sleep.

I finished my paper for the AAS blog. I still don’t know when it will get published. I am hoping it will soon. I am really worked hard on this paper to get the word out on what it means to be in a collaborative therapy.

It’s cold and windy and rainy today. I really don’t want to go out in this weather. I just hate it. And I know it is only going to get colder tonight.

Just read on twitter that the Associated Press’s twitter account got hacked and sent reports that the White House got bombed. People are so fucking stupid. I don’t understand why they have to hack people’s accounts. I just don’t see the fun in it at all. Then I read in my support group, yahoo is still fucked up. They still haven’t fixed their hacking. Only way to do it is by telling them your account has been compromised to change your password to a strong one.

Tonight is difficult. I am in pain emotionally and physically. I got the stupid menses tonight. I thought I was bleeding but didn’t know for sure. Now I know and I hate it. I can’t stand being in this predicament. I hate having to wear women’s clothes again because boxer short just can’t hold feminine products. I am beside myself with anger that this has happened, again. I got to call the damn endo doc tomorrow and be like WTF!!! Just when I thought everything was going back to normal again and I could progress to my transgender issues this sets me back! I am so pissed…

melancholy

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide

Today I didn’t do too much but I did a lot. As I was walking home my ankle decided it had enough and I was limping on the way home. The last block and a half was really long!

I still am in a melancholy of spirits. I just can’t believe my city was under attack and then a Federal courthouse today had to be evacuated because of a bomb threat. And the President of the US is coming to tomorrow. I think that is a BIG mistake as we still have not capture the individual(s) responsible for the Marathon explosions. That is what they are calling it, explosions, not bombs. I guess explosions are less scary to think about but not really. It still is terrifying.

Ankle is still killing me and I am going to bed early, not going to watch the Sox game tonight. I don’t think it is on NESN anyways because the Bruins are playing. I don’t think I have NESN+. Shame too because last I heard, the Sox were winning 3-0. But then they don’t have a good match-up. The Indians stink. There were hardly any fans in the stadium last night. Pretty sad. I hope Fenway never gets that way.

I printed off my story that I am writing about my past suicide attempts and also my write up for my next blog post in the AAS. I am confident it will be a good paper. I just need to go over it somewhat to make sure I have the facts straight. It gives me something to do tomorrow that hopefully doesn’t have me going out. I am pretty tired today from my excursions yesterday and today. I only went out because my stupid printer wouldn’t recognize the color cartridge as being full. I have not used my printer for a couple of months now. Even though I just wanted to print black, it would not let me override the stupid color sensor thingy. I was so frustrated. I think paying for printing my stuff at UPS is cheaper than buying ink for this ridiculous printer that uses ink while not in use! Either that, or the ink got dried up because of the heat in the room. It is a small office I have and my mother keeps the door closed most of the time. I have to bring the printer to my room but I am too lazy. Maybe tomorrow I will do that, if my ankle isn’t hurting like it is now.

So I have printed off my writing to edit it. I have my red pen ready. But one thing I know while I edit my paper, I always want to add to it or take something away. I hate editing. I’m good with other people’s paper’s but not my own!

I woke up this morning and wondered what it would be like not to be anymore. I haven’t woken up like that in a long time. I guess the melancholy I am feeling is having suicidal effect on me, not to say that I wasn’t suicidal before. I just had a decrease in thoughts the past couple of weeks and thought I was getting better. Now I think I am heading back towards being a suicidal maniac who thinks of suicide all the time. I don’t know why I do other than I don’t want to feel pain, physical or mental anymore. I am tired of always being in a state of despair, of feeling nothing is going right for me. I just calculated my financial picture for the month and found that if I pay everything, I will have 7 dollars (USD) to my name to last me until my next check. I hate feeling like I am in destitution again. I really do. It’s like why bother getting paid when I don’t see my money. It just goes out the window to pay my bills and to help my mother keep up with the household bills, like gas and electricity, not to mention the mortgage. I just hate not being able to work. It is so frustrating. And yet, if I was working, I’d lose my LTD and have to work out something to pay back the $10K that I supposedly owe them. All these bills that I have make me want to kill myself. I can’t stand the thought of owing people money. I still owe like $5k to my therapist, who without her services I would definitely be dead by now. I seriously doubt that anyone can keep me alive that much longer. I just want to die. Why is that so hard to understand? I am a nobody. No one will miss me. They will just miss my money…