Category: suicide

rough day 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Rough day

I had another night of bad sleep. This wasn’t because of pain meds, it was mostly due to pain. I caught the earlier bus as I woke up just in time for it. I figure it would give me time to relax and have some writing time. I then left for my appointment, which turned out to be a disappointment.

I met with an intake coordinator for this chronic pain group my psychiatrist thinks will be good for me. I think it will be good for me, too. Unfortunately, the intake coordinator doesn’t, only because of my suicidality. So once again my thoughts of suicide are hindering my mental health. She needs to talk to my psychiatrist and the group leaders. She said that it is a “slow” process and she will get back to me when all is said and done. Fucking great. I have a feeling this group is out because there is only “light” conversations. You can’t sit there and tell me that other people with chronic pain have never thought of ending their lives. Fuck. I am so aggravated. If I processed things quickly, I would have told her thanks but no thanks. Maybe I will call and leave her a message so she doesn’t have to call anyone or speak to anyone.

So this has put me into a funk. I am sure I will get over it. She is not the first mental health professional to tell me my suicidality is high risk and a “dangerous” topic. I have been turned down by multitudes of therapists because of my high risk. Why should a group be any different. She also said it would be good if I had a therapist. No fucking shit. I am working on that but it’s not so fucking easy.

After the appointment, I went to the square and got a burrito for dinner. I wanted to order Thai food but I didn’t feel like waiting. I wanted to get home because my ankle was starting to bother me. It’s worse now. Which is depressing the fuck out of me. I emailed my psychiatrist and gave her the run down of this blog. I told her I wasn’t hopeful of being admitted to the group. I jokingly said that I must be the only chronic pain person to think of killing themselves. I know this is not true because I have been on chronic pain groups on Facebook and they are really sad the amount of people that want to end their life because of their pain.

My psych was going to talk to my PCP today about my pain. She said she will get back to me if something fruitful arises from the conversation. I am not hopeful about that either. My PCP is stuck on it being a “mental” issue at this point, meaning that I just need to learn to live with the pain. I would be able to, if the pain wasn’t so excruciating at times! It’s not every day I face unbearable pain. I would have attempted suicide by now if that were the case. But when I tell him I am in a bad mood because the pain is out of fucking control, I think that needs to be taken seriously and adjustments need to be made. No amount of mindfulness is going to bring down excruciating physical pain.

difficult night

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Difficult night

Last night my pain skyrocketed. I had already taken my meds and couldn’t take any more to ease my horrible pain. My ankle and foot were competing as to who was going to hurt more and both were winning. I sunk into a suicidal phase. I reached out to a friend, but was left hanging, literally. I got really mad and I am still mad and disappointed. I should have known better but now I know not to reach out to this person next time I am having a hard time. I then emailed my psychiatrist with exactly what I was going to do today and when the next time I felt like I did last night, I was going to act on it. She called me right away and we talked. She wanted me to email her today to let her know how I was doing. I basically lied and said I was okay. Well, not really, because at that moment I was okay. Now I am not.

I am again thinking of my plan as my pain has returned. It’s not as severe as it was last night. Soon as I am done with writing this blog, I am going to do my preparing. I have to. There is no other way out from under this pain. I am not going to act on it today. I made my sauce and I want to eat it and savor it. It came out really good. I put a lot of meatballs in it. But they are small so they are like appetizers. I put in 40 meatballs and just ate three to see how they were. I have two different kinds. I didn’t realize it until I put them in the pot. Oh well. I love meatballs in sauce. I am going to make spaghetti for dinner. I cannot wait.

The reason I am hurting is because I had to go to Walgreens to pick up my prescriptions. I thought they would have the meatballs I needed to complete my gravy. They were all out. Not even their brand was on the shelf. So that meant I had to go to Stop and Shop, something I wasn’t planning on doing. When I had finished buying my things, I saw my mother waiting on a bench. I asked her what she was doing and she said she was waiting for my aunt and cousin. So I had a ride home. I didn’t have to wait for the damn bus. Saved me from walking. I am glad I was going out the door I came in and not the other door where I cashed out. Otherwise I would have missed my mother.

I didn’t sleep good because I had to take another strong pain pill to get my pain under control. Whenever I take two pills, my sleep is disrupted. I woke up every 2-3 hours. I finally gave up around 0830 and made breakfast. I was kind of worried because the house was silent and usually my mother has the TV going. I quickly checked her bedroom to make sure she wasn’t on the floor because her bed was empty. I went downstairs and she was doing some kind of paperwork. I asked if she was okay and she said she was. She asked why and I said because the house was quiet and I got worried. I then made my bacon sandwich. It was good. I kind of burnt the bacon because the cheese wouldn’t separate from each slice and it annoyed me, temporarily letting me forget about the bacon cooking. I like it burnt so it was no big deal.

Sundays are made for sleeping

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Sundays are made for sleeping

Sundays are made for sleeping, when you are in pain and wake up in the early morning hours. I’m lucky my mother made dinner tonight as it hurt my ankle just to make some coffee. I got a Neurontin hangover because I took some more of it at like 5 am. It’s been close to 12 hours since my last dose of pain meds so I am feeling dizzy. I took a pill before dinner but it hasn’t kicked in yet. I am tempted to take the stronger pain pill. I was making sure there was nothing on my foot and accidently touch the sore part of my ankle. Now my pain is through the fucking roof. I just want to go back to sleep, and I might do just that.

I have been having suicidal urges since getting up at 1400. I still have to think seriously about this. Part of me wants to call my psych and part of me wants to say the hell with it. Only problem is that I don’t have the energy to go through with it. I have no motivation to put the plan in place. So I do nothing.

I have several things I need to do in my room. I need to empty the recycle bin and my trash bin by the bed. I also need to fill my pill box for the week. This tiredness that I feel is compromising me. I just want to sleep but I also don’t want to take out each pill individually when it’s time to take my night meds. I rather have them all in the box and then dump them out to take them. Just for the day, not the week.

It reached 55 degrees out. In February. In Boston. WTF. And I can’t enjoy it because I feel like a zombie and my ankle is hurting. Least the snow we got last weekend is melting. This week, I got to get new glasses. My eyesight has been giving me problems and I think it’s because the glasses are not as good as they should be. My prescription has changed but I haven’t been able to finagle getting them because of other expenses. I also need to replace my foam topper on my bed because it’s falling a part and not supporting me the way it used to. I found a gel topper for under $100 for my bed size so I will get that. I also found some flannel sheets that I like. I just hope they fit.

I needed to go to Walgreens to pick up my script of Zoloft. I will have to pick it up tomorrow if the pharmacy is open. Tomorrow is a holiday so I am not sure if they will have different hours or will be closed. I’ll go anyway to buy more dark chocolate. It’s been helping my mood. I have one or two pieces a day so I don’t think it will affect my weight much. I am not eating the whole package at once. But the chocolate is on sale so I would like to get more at that price if I can.

Saturday Blog 75

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Saturday Blog 75

I just had a frustrating conversation with my mother. She wants me to go to a specific hospital because they are “bone specialists”. I told her I went there before and they didn’t help me. She thought I was bullshitting her. I am so fucking mad. She doesn’t understand this is a pain syndrome and nothing can be done for it. Then my sister says I should walk more. Really?? I can barely make it to Walgreens and back without problems during a flare up and that is a SHORT fucking walk. So glad I have such a supportive family.

I finally took a shower at like 5 this morning. I was up and pain was minimal so I took a quick one. I went back to sleep for a few hours after taking some Neurontin. I tried to sleep it off but it wasn’t going to happen. I made coffee and had some muffins my mother made for breakfast. I felt like I was drunk and I have been up since. Then my ankle flared up again so I had to take the strong pain pills. I didn’t want to because it was early in the day but I was in severe pain. Then my leg started cramping which set off my PTSD anxiety. Just fucking lovely. I had to take an Ativan to calm down. I still haven’t taken a damn nap though I want to so bad. I got a migraine that is killing me and I won’t be taking the Zoloft again tonight. I can’t take it because there could be an interaction with my migraine meds.

I am so damn frustrated and just want to die. I was writing in my journal last night till around 3 in the morning. I wrote my frustration of not being able to make an attempt last week because I wasn’t sure if the pills were going to kill me or just make me sick. I was suicidal again last night as I was writing and then I wrote an angry rant to my psychiatrist that I wrote in my journal. It had a little more to it as I wrote more as I was writing it out. Then I tweeted what I wrote but didn’t allow it to be posted to Facebook. I didn’t want my family to read what I posted. Not that they would as it was so early in the morning but I didn’t want someone calling my sister telling them I was suicidal again. I still don’t know what “friend” called my sister that time I was posting Pearl Jam lyrics. Pisses me off that they would go through her rather than talk to ME directly.

I wanted to contact my psych today but I don’t want to bother her. She has a three day weekend so I don’t want to disturb her. It would just be a check in but I am not feeling like talking after the frustration of my family. I still so want to attempt to kill myself but I don’t have the means and that frustrates me. Maybe I will go to a state that sells firearms without a background check or is willing to sell firearms to mentally ill people as they are revoking that background check, thank you, Congress! Not that I know how to operate a firearm, but I am sure I can get instructions. If a toddler can fire one, I am sure I can.

I’m ordering pizza and fries for dinner tonight. I have been craving pizza all day. I’m getting hungry just thinking about it. I blame all the Neurontin that I have been taking for these cravings. My vision is starting to be affected because of the migraine so I will stop here.