Category: suicide

bad pain flare up

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Bad pain flare up

I saw my psychiatrist. The appointment went well. She agreed to an increase in the Zoloft. Then we talked about therapy and the water works started. I couldn’t hold back my tears of frustration with the waiting and the ending. I miss having someone to talk to about things. She was supportive of me but these things take time and frankly, I have grown impatient. She wanted to see me in a week and I agreed. I did tell her my suicidal urges were around early that morning. She tried piecing together what set me off and we didn’t really get anywhere.

I came home and was tired. I took a pain pill and my trilafon. I wanted a nap but didn’t want to mess up my sleep. An hour later, I said fuck it and lied down. My foot had become cold so I put on my thermal socks and lied down once again. Then all hell broke loose. My foot became a seizing machine and the pain was intolerable. I started crying because I hurt so damn bad. I lost it. Tears were coming and I couldn’t stop them. I was a sobbing idiot. Then I thought of ending my life from the thoughts of the morning and I cried harder. I couldn’t reach the pills because I couldn’t even turn over to take meds to stop the cramping and the pain. Any movement at all caused me great pain. I eventually sat up and took my meds. In between tears, I sent a letter to my psychiatrist, one telling her to send tissues and the other saying my suicidality was up and I would be in touch before passing out.

My mother called me while I was having my crying fit but she didn’t hear me when I told her I was crying. She wanted some socks in her drawer. I told her my ankle went out on me and that it wasn’t happening. In the midst of all this, I got a migraine and a headache after the migraine went away. Just wonderful. I know it’s from crying so damn much and not eating.

Things calmed down so of course my bladder said it had to go. I went and figured while I was downstairs, I’d make myself something to eat. I thought that might help the headache as I didn’t have anything to eat since this morning while at Starbucks. The pain came back when I went back to my room, but it wasn’t as bad. My feet were hot so I took the socks off. My left one became cold again within 15 minutes so I just put a regular sock on that is loose.

I am exhausted and was going to pass out but I called my psych before I did. She didn’t read the emails so I explained what was going on. She was glad I called her. She wants me to keep her posted.

I’ve had flare ups of severe pain before but nothing like today. I think the spasms made the pain worse and I just couldn’t handle it. The tears were flowing because I just felt so helpless. I couldn’t move a muscle without pain, even if it was a different body part. It was awful. I really wanted to die and if I could reach any bottle of pills, I would have tried. But thankfully, all the “good” stuff is three feet away from me. I just have a handful of pills, total, by my bedside which probably wouldn’t do much but knock me out for a couple of hours.

crying because of despair

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Crying because of despair

My ankle flared up earlier. Then my foot got cold. I was in a rotten mood because I couldn’t get food and because I am in pain. So I was sulking. But I had to take care of my frozen feet before they became more troublesome. I grabbed the thermal socks with grabber thingy and put my sock on my right foot first. Then I just casually hit my ankle with my knee to put the sock on the damaged fucking foot and holy fucking pain. I couldn’t believe I did something so damn stupid. I want to kill myself right then and there because there was no surviving this pain, not tonight, not any night. I just sat there stunned and it was the final blow to my moral.

I started crying. I just couldn’t help myself. I thought about calling my psychiatrist but I had already seen her and I didn’t want to bother her between sobs. I wasn’t in the mood for talking anyways. I was in the mood for death to strangle me and take me out of my damn misery. That didn’t happen. I am proof of this because I am writing this blog. I posted to Facebook I was crying and one of my friends was like so cry you’ll smile later. FUCK YOU. Smile? Really? That is a joke when you are suicidal right? Just snap out of it and you will. PLEASE. If it only worked that way, psychiatry would be out of business.

After a small while, my sister called me. She needed feminine products for her daughter. She didn’t catch the emotion in my voice and I was grateful for that. So I bundle wrapped a few and threw them down the stairs. My right ankle protested more than my left. WHAT THE FUCK. Now both ankles are hurting me. Score for me. Glad I told my psychiatrist I was safe to be home because oh yeah, I was going to kill myself today. Meanwhile I am thinking of ways of killing myself. I am overwhelmed with emotion, despair, fucking out of my mind. I take an Ativan because what else was I going to do. There isn’t a tree I can hang from. Besides, there would be a shit storm of snow to get by to reach the damn tree. And more snow is coming this weekend. Lovely.

I emailed my psychiatrist that I wasn’t going into the hospital Monday because it was going to snow Sunday and I wasn’t walking in the mess that I walked through today. It’s a miracle I didn’t twist an ankle. So Tuesday I will be admitted before my next meltdown really has me doing something I might regret. My only sadness is that I won’t have pain control like I have at home. I won’t have my strong pain pill to take while inpatient. I will have to make sure they give me my fucking regular pain pills on a schedule as a standing fucking dose because I will scream bloody murder if I miss a dose. And it better be two fucking pills, not one, two. Otherwise, I will fucking manage my way out of the hospital and kill myself by running in front of a bus or train or something. A semi might do too but they are infrequent around here.

My psych sent a response that it was okay with her for me to go in. She is also sorry she didn’t try my cake as she left it in the office. She said she will get it tomorrow so I hope to hear her review then. If my damn ankles weren’t hurting me, I would have a slice myself. It might help my mood. But unless my bladder is ready to explode or the house is on fire, I am not leaving my bed.

freezing out but my room is a sauna

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Freezing out but my room is a sauna

It’s 10 degrees out or there abouts. I had to turn down the heat because my room is so damn hot. I can’t stand the heat. I am grateful for it but I rather be cold. It is what I grew up with as my room didn’t have a radiator. I had to have multiple blankets on me to keep warm during the winter. I didn’t mind. I liked it.

I can’t sleep mostly because of pain. I had a study interview today about chronic pain. It went well, though we went over the time by a half hour. I didn’t mind. It was good talking to someone about my pain. They wanted to know more about my use of social media and how I talk about my pain and so I told her. It was a good interview. I hope they learn what ever it is they are trying to learn.

I am really tired but I just can’t sleep because of the heat and pain. My foot is killing me. I had to have something to eat so I went downstairs. That aggravated my foot. Then I went back up the stairs which didn’t help matters. I took another pain pill hoping to speed up the other two that I took. Lately, the regular pain meds are having no effect on me as they don’t make me sleepy anymore. It still works for my pain but it seems that it takes longer to do so. I am worried now that I am tolerant to the meds and need to find something else.

I went to bed around midnight and it’s still hot in my room, despite lowering the heat. I didn’t lower it too much, just one degree. I fell asleep and just woke up now, 6 hours later. That must be the latest I have slept in a while. I am not going to go back to sleep because I need to leave the house around 0850. I might take a shower, though I am really not wanting to. It’s going to be freezing in the bathroom as there is no heat so I will take it tomorrow when the temps are below 20 degrees. It’s 12 degrees right now. I still haven’t decided if I am going to wear my long johns or not with my jeans or sweat pants. I haven’t decided what I am going to wear. These decisions are always hard for me.

I might make a cup of tea just so that I have a little caffeine on board. Think Earl Grey would be nice. I haven’t had that in a while. I still have to pack my bag for the hospital. I have decided to use my suitcase so I need to transfer every thing from my backpack to it. Then I need to stuff my blanket in. I think I will put the blanket in first and then put the clothes on top of that. I might be snowing on Monday so I think a suitcase would be better for my travels than my backpack and bag. I still will take a backpack for my journal and coloring books. That might kill some time while I am there and don’t want to go to group or something.

Today would have been the day I would try to kill myself. I feel defeated that my plan didn’t work out and that it would just make me sick rather than kill me. I hated when I have botched plans. It really sucks. I just feel like a loser. Now I got to figure out another way to die and hope I succeed.

I have thought about getting a haircut but I am getting low on funds and it’s going to be two weeks before I get paid again. I still need to pay for my prescription that I will be picking up today. And I need a refill on my Neurontin as I am running low. I need to email my neurologist to get that script because my PCP’s office won’t prescribe it to me. Ridiculous. I hope she will allow me to take 1200 mg at night as I have been taking that to help with the burning pain. It seems to work at least 24 hours so I have good coverage. Some nights I don’t need to take it because it’s not every night that I have the pain.

As I prepare for my hospital admission, I got to take my meds with me because I don’t want to take a million pills. I also need to fill out my medication list and how I take my meds because I don’t want there to be a hassle with my pain meds. I really wish the doc wrote that I take 2 tabs every 6 hours rather than 1 tab every 4. 1 tab doesn’t do shit for me. We’ll see how the docs at the hospital decide to write the order. They all have the same computer system now so it’s going to be difficult to get my meds the way I take them. It’s so frustrating. I’ll also have to prepare for taking my psych meds differently than what I take them at home. Man this is going to be so annoying. I am going to be a zombie in the morning and a night owl at night. Not looking forward to this at all. I am going to ask my psych today when I see her if I really need to go in or not. I know I am still feeling suicidal and the hospital will be a respite from my urges, but I just hate the medication piece of the puzzle. It always gets fucked up. And it’s frustrating to fix because I usually have to wait 24 hours for the changes to occur. Annoying!!

PTSD anxiety is so much fun, NOT

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

PTSD anxiety is so much fun, NOT

I had a PTSD flare because of pain. It brought out anxiety. I tried to get a hold of a friend to talk to but she was not available. I paged my psychiatrist and we chatted for a bit. She said I am going through a lot and I am managing but she thinks the hospital would be better for me. Why, I don’t know. I really don’t want to go back to the hospital. It’s nothing more than a babysitting service.

I cried while I was on the phone with my psych. I couldn’t help it. I was so revved up with anxiety and I am not an anxious person. The pain was driving me mad and today being an anniversary day was just too much. I kept going through the red flags of CES, telling myself I didn’t have it but my brain just wouldn’t get it off it’s mind. No matter that I could walk, wiggle my toes, have control of my bowels and bladder, etc. it just wouldn’t calm the fuck down. The pain was really the trigger and I couldn’t go anything to bring the pain levels down. I had taken my meds but it would be a while for it to kick in. I told my psych this and she tried waiting with me about what to do to calm me down. She said to watch TV but I don’t watch TV. I read. So I read Huck Finn for a bit. I told her I was going to read 1984 but she said that might be too much. So Huck Finn it was.

I read four chapters of Huck Finn and then the anxiety went down a notch or three. I am feeling tired now. I have to call my psychiatrist tomorrow after my therapist appointment to let her know how it goes. I was going to email her but I think I will page her. Then we can talk about if I need to go to the hospital or not. I really want to see my psychiatrist on Friday so I really don’t want to go into the hospital on Thursday.

I have my bag packed but I think I might bring my suitcase with me instead of my backpack. It might be easier and then I will bring my backpack with me so I can bring my books and journal. It will also be less stress on my back. I will bring my Sox blanket with me. It comforts me when I am in the hospital.

I didn’t tell my psych that I had suicidal urges earlier this afternoon. She knows I don’t page her unless I am really in need to talk to someone and not having a therapist the last few months has really been a struggle. She says that I am managing well as I can be. It felt good to hear her say that. I know I should probably be in the hospital for supportive care but I really don’t want to go. I hate being in the hospital. I don’t sleep well. And I always have to ask for my meds when I am in pain. I have to be on their schedule, not mine. It sucks. And I won’t be able to get my strong pain pill should I need it. I am really sad about this. But this is a psych unit not a medical one.

My psych wants me at the hospital that I usually go to. I hope they have a bed. I am going to try and talk her into going in on Monday. That is when they have discharges and beds are more available. We’ll see. I hope it’s Monday but if she wants me in on Thursday, that will be okay too. I just need to pack a little faster than I need to.