Category: transgender

Hurting and done with docs

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, transgender

I am hurting. I talked to my psych who wanted me to talk to my pcp on the phone after all that happened. I’ll send him a card. My endo is setting me up with a pcp that might be better. Ok I have high standards but being in chronic pain you really don’t want to be jerked around after you’ve seen 20+ doctors, 3 who have said I have CRPS yet my former pcp not believing nor the doctor that he sends me to. I’ve had enough of seeing every friggen doctor in Boston and surrounding areas in every possible specialty. Took 8 years and now I may be permanently disabled because of the delay in care. I love my psych and we work well together. I really wish there were more doctors like her. But they are too far and in between and I am tired of trying one last time just to get nowhere. So when I tell my pcp I have increase in bone pain that wasn’t there before and he blows me off, sorry. You’re fired. I don’t care how nice he is. And he is nice but he doesn’t want to deal with complex medical issues that a primary doctor should deal with. I hope the PCP my endo doc is sending me to can deal. She said he is nice. I said the doc I am seeing is nice too, but doesn’t want to deal with my complex medical stuff. In some ways, I am glad because after one the NPs asked inappropriately about my gender reassignment surgery when I was seeing her for a sore foot, I kind of lost faith in the office. I am hoping being in a transgender practice will be different. My endo said there are support groups and stuff there so will look into it when I have my first visit.

I am in pain and canceled my appointment with my therapist for Monday. I have PT in the morning and I am not going to somehow fly 5.6 miles (9 km) to his office. Taking the T is just too rough. I don’t have time to go home and rest because by then I will have to go as he has a 24 hour cancellation policy. I am kind of pissed at him still for telling me to Google relaxation tips when I am having anxiety about sleeping due to pain. I mean, WTF am I seeing him for if I can just use Google??

I came home from my appointments and I was hurting. Both calves were sore like I had been walking all day. I have no idea why they were hurting. I put the heating pad on my right one soon as I got changed into my PJs. Then my foot felt like it was being crushed. My mother then said dinner was ready. Well, I will be down when I can figure out a way to go downstairs. My right heel is killing me every time I stand. I already took a pain med. I hope this isn’t one of the I can’t sleep if my life depended on it night. I really would like to do some baking tomorrow. I am out of cookies and the monster is getting angry, lol. I also want to make a key lime pie. I have no idea if I will like it as it is made with jello and yogurt mixed with cool whip. Sounds good anyways. Whether it will, who knows. I almost ate the yogurt today as I came home hungry and needed food. I had a pop tart instead.

Tonight, after I had dinner. I was washing my hands after the bathroom and was looking at my chin. There was nothing wrong with it except it looked more angular. I don’t know if I am noticing things or what. No one said anything when I posted my transition pics so I don’t know. I am tired. I took my night meds and HOPE they fucking make me sleepy. I want to read a chapter or two of Harry. Last night I read a chapter of John Grisham’s Sycamore Row and then finished the chapter of Harry Potter I was on. I swear I am addicted to these books. And seeing as it is now Feb, I guess reading two books in January isn’t going to happen. I have a few books lined up once I finish the Harry Potter books. I just got to make a commitment to actually spending time reading rather than just being on social media. I wish I brought a book today as I had 40 minutes to kill as I was early for my psych appointment.

I will be going up on my mood stabilizer this weekend. I really haven’t had any side effects so that is good. I was hoping to jump to 100 mg but she wants me to go to 75 mg for two weeks. Oh well. I still need to figure out how to pay for one of my meds as I am short. I miscalculated my med budget. I thought I would be able to get the T later this month, which I still might, but depends on how much I go up. I have no idea why my doc ordered an estradiol level. I can never figure out how to interpret the result. It is low whatever phase I am in, which it should be as I am on testosterone, duh. But I am still producing it which means, I hope, increasing the dose of T. I see her in four months for another check. She is nice and I do like her. I just wish she fricken told me she was in the TG program! Damn. It would have been easier for me to bring it up, but no matter. I am started on my transition and now I just got to adjust my T to get manlier.

transition day 140

by Midnight Demon, posted in transgender

So today is day 140 of my transition. I posted yesterday my update but thought I would do here as it has been a while. I might make this a short post for those that are following so be ready for a duplicate, lol. Things are still the same. The only thing I have to report is that the hair on my chin is growing in more finely than before. Also, I shave my head. It used to be that I would have to keep up with it daily or up to three days. Now it is daily or every other. My hair is growing really fast and pretty soon I am going to need to seriously budget barber expenses to put my barber’s kids through college, lol. I keep a military cut and even though I got it cut last week, it is the length I had it before seeing him. So I will have to work out something with my barber to get haircuts on months I can’t afford to see him. I tried cutting my own hair and it was a disaster so not doing that again! I need to shave before I lose the lines where I am supposed to shave. It is tricky in the back because I can’t see but I can feel where I need to and if I goof up, a few days time is all I need for it to regrow.

There have been no other changes. My voice is still in and out at times. My family hasn’t noticed a change but that might be because I am around them all the time. Hoping with increase in dose, that won’t be the case. I really look forward to the day I come downstairs with stubble on my face and my voice like a man’s. HAHA shock my mother day!

New slippers and more pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, transgender

New slippers and more pain

I had to buy new slippers because the ones I have been wearing for almost three years now are worn out. They were my father’s. I put them in the box the slippers came in. These have more support than the old ones and are much softer, which is why my CRPS foot hated them. I am not sure it will get used to them. Some times the allodynia isn’t this bad. I am still in a sort of flare so hoping when the weather is back to above freezing, I won’t hurt so much with the top of my foot. It has been doing the sweating but staying dry and cold thing all day. It is driving me nuts. I would put a sock on but because it feels like it is sweating and is sensitive to materials right now, I don’t think it is a good idea. If it becomes a block of ice, I will have no choice.

I put through a couple prescriptions today and one of them was more than it was last month. I had to call my insurance to find out why and they said because the cost of the drug was low so it had to be charged a dispensary fee. Crooks. It is only a dollar more but if any of my other meds are more than that, I am screwed as I made sure to have enough money for meds this month. I have five meds I need a month that I cannot get through mail order. I am all set with my mail order meds at least through maybe April, I think because I had refilled them all the end of December. Last year they didn’t cost me much for a 90 day supply and I hoping for the same this year. But the 5 I get at the pharmacy all have different fill dates so I have to remember to have the cash for them. I am hoping my T dose will increase when I see the doc on Friday, which means getting a new script for it. I budgeted for it but if she say gives me two vials, I am screwed because I just budgeted for one. All tricky trying to remember this shit only because I am an impulsive buyer and will spend when I think I have enough when in reality I really don’t. Thanks Bipolar Disorder! I wish one of my checks took into account the cost of living like SSD but it doesn’t so I just have a fixed amount every month. I buy little things when I know I can afford them. I really need to stop it but I can’t help it. I see something, I want it.

I bought an OTG (on the go) thing and didn’t realize my phone wasn’t compatible with it. And because my brother in law took down the recycle, I no longer have the packaging it came with so can’t return it. I am not going dumpster diving for it either. Too fucking cold out. I thought it was a neat thing. Maybe when I eventually upgrade my phone it will have this feature. I might end up selling it for whatever. I don’t know. I am too tired to think about that right now. It was like 8 bucks so not a huge loss.

I hope I can sleep tonight as I slept late today. My med alarm went off and then I went back to sleep, which hasn’t happened in a long while. I took Benadryl before I went to sleep last night so I was kind of still hung over. I need to read Harry today. I haven’t been able to read since Sunday I think. I hate when pain ruins my reading rhythm. Harry is the only book I can read on a daily basis or close to it. But once I stop, seems I just forget about the book and it will be a while till I pick it up again. If I can get another book in this month, that would be good. I am doing another reading challenge. I know I shouldn’t but otherwise, I don’t think I will read the books I buy.

A couple of months ago, I had a problem with my music where, after Amazon told me to uninstall/reinstall their app, I thought I lost music. Turns out, I didn’t. And in downloading all the songs that Amazon app had lost, I created duplicates of the songs. It turned out that the app I was using just wasn’t showing the music on my phone! So I junked it, which I hated doing because I had paid for the no ads thing. I went through different apps and found one that was kind of good. Only thing that sucks is that I needed to remake my playlists. One playlist, rock, had a lot of songs on it as I just downloaded whole albums or artist in. I couldn’t remember who it was and then there are songs I didn’t want. The nice thing about this new app that I have been using is that once you delete a song from the playlist, it is gone unlike the app I paid for. So I just created my Mary Chapin Carpenter playlist. I got distracted and put one of her albums in the wrong list. UGH. I had to redo it. There are two albums of hers that I do not want in my playlist because they are the same songs as her previous albums so I didn’t want duplicates. In her latest album, Sometimes just the Sky, it has some of her previous songs but recorded differently. The album is okay and I do like it but there is one song that I do not like, even though she does, LOL.

So today is day 140 of my transition. I posted yesterday my update but thought I would do here as it has been a while. I might make this a short post for those that are following so be ready for a duplicate, lol. Things are still the same. The only thing I have to report is that the hair on my chin is growing in more finely than before. Also, I shave my head. It used to be that I would have to keep up with it daily or up to three days. Now it is daily or every other. My hair is growing really fast and pretty soon I am going to need to seriously budget barber expenses to put my barber’s kids through college, lol. I keep a military cut and even though I got it cut last week, it is the length I had it before seeing him. So I will have to work out something with my barber to get haircuts on months I can’t afford to see him. I tried cutting my own hair and it was a disaster so not doing that again! I need to shave before I lose the lines where I am supposed to shave. It is tricky in the back because I can’t see but I can feel where I need to and if I goof up, a few days time is all I need for it to regrow.

There have been no other changes. My voice is still in and out at times. My family hasn’t noticed a change but that might be because I am around them all the time. Hoping with increase in dose, that won’t be the case. I really look forward to the day I come downstairs with stubble on my face and my voice like a man’s. HAHA shock my mother day!

Mumble Jumble

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, transgender

Mumble jumble

I shouldn’t have had coffee at 430 PM last night but I did and I ended up staying up till at least 4 am or so. I was also in a bad mood as I was thinking more about what my mother had said to my brother in law’s mother. I couldn’t stop thinking of how she doesn’t accept me. It sent me into despair/suicidality mode. I just couldn’t stop thinking of being dead. Like snap my fingers and I no longer existed. I got some responses. Then a friend in my support group was not so supportive as she doesn’t understand how I could be male. Not what I fucking needed at that moment! She is questioning that if I am biologically female, then I am female. UGH. I need like a print out or something for these people. Maybe I can show my mother, too.

I finally paid a bill that I wasn’t able to on my phone for some reason. I think paying it has sent my checking account in the red but I won’t know until everything clears. My mother didn’t go to the bank today, which means, ha ha, I will have to do it tomorrow. I need to go out anyways so probably not a big deal. But the bus schedule has changed this week so getting to the Square is a pain in the ass. I will have to look at the schedule to see when the bus is coming every time I want to head out because it is at all different times. So fucking stupid. I have my groceries coming in the morning. If I am not too wiped out, I will do my errands. Wish there was a McDonald’s around. I really would love a filet of fish sandwich. I miss having one close by. Now the nearest one is nearly 2 miles away and I would have to take two buses to get there. So dumb. Maybe I will treat myself to some Thai food tomorrow if I go into Boston.